Can I let him know I like him?

Spiritual Lessons

Can I Let Him Know I Like Him?

How to Interact with Guys

I recently was posed with the question:  

Could we possibly let guys know we are interested in them?

If we look solely at biblical, positive examples of women interacting with men, we see Rebecca who was kind, respectful, and thoughtful.  Ruth was confident but humble, and thankful.  Abigail who was intelligent, gracious, humble and courageous.

And then there's the three negative extremes.


1. We are Fearful Fawns.  Shy and shrinking.  We think this is demure and modest, when really it's just foolish and harmful.  Deliberate shunning of all eligible young men isn't godly.  :)

2. Flaunting flirts.  Silly, stalking, clinging, gushing, flattery and leech -like behavior is also unbecoming.  :)

3. Or Forward Feminists.  This is how it is Buster.


Would it be a sin to ask a guy out?  Probably not.

Would it have been a sin for Abigail to tell David to repent?  Probably not.

But Abigail boldly, virtuously, and intelligently moved David to repentance.  She allowed the Spirit to use her.  She obviously wanted an outcome:  David to have grace for her husband/family.  But she didn't march down to David and tell him how it was.  

We can never show too much of the Holy Spirit.  (Fruits of the Spirit).  But there's something to be said about being wooed.  I don't know about you ladies, but I personally desire to be pursued.  That principle is seen in the Bible.  Christ died for us ladies!  I think the man who is too terrified to say anything might not be the guy I'd like to marry.

Disclaimers!  It's perfectly natural for a guy to be afraid of pursuing.  Our fear as women is:  I'm not beautiful enough.  A man's fear:  I don't have what it takes.  Rejection is fearful for any man.  (Not to mention some of us have fathers that carry shotguns...)  It's healthy to have a little terror.  :)  But if this keeps him from ever pursuing you, perhaps there's good reason not to pursue him.

Anyone could take this idea too far:  "I'm not even going to smile at him or talk to him!  I mean -- if he wants to marry me, he's gonna have to work at this."  That would simply be dumb.

Men are pursuers and initiators, principally, naturally and even spiritually.
 
Allowing a man to be a pursuer is healthy and godly.  Many women are tired of keeping their emotions "in the dark" and feel like it would be healthy to let the guy know they're interested.  I'm not an advocate of having secret crushes or playing romantic mind-games. But approaching a man and "just letting him know" seems a little brash and inappropriate.

Pursuing a man unveils our viewpoint of men.
Men aren't a class of potentials.  When we feel it's necessary to "tell them how it is" it is a little red flag that maybe we're wanting our way (right now please) and we're feeling maybe we should be involved, even though we'd deny ill-trust on God or desperateness. If you can't trust this guy to know when to ask to pursue, why would you trust him to be your head and family leader?  By letting a guy know we are interested we show our assumption that they don't know.  Maybe they do but are waiting on God or His timing?  Maybe they do and they simply aren't interested.  Just because we're over the stereotypical "age of eligibility" doesn't mean we need to give way to panic and unrest and wear "I'm single" t-shirts.

Worldly women often have a more sedate and secure sense of their singleness than we do!  Sisters -- we don't have to jump in on the Terror of Singlhood epidemic that's spreading in Christian circles.  God is still in control.  Even if things aren't going the way we imagined.  We don't have to propose in order to ensure marriage.

  I am an advocate for being friends with godly men.  Instead of wondering if "he's the one" we might be better off if we just try to be this man's friend.  How can we be an encouragement?  How can we be a sister in Christ?  What can we learn from him?  We can be friends -- even with someone else's "one".

We shouldn't be afraid of saying hello first.  Most men don't think you want to marry them because you said hi.  I've fallen for some of these weird "nice-Christian-girl" faux pas.  And then, when I threw those out the window, I found myself being too familiar and forward.  There is a balance!  An adventure we might live with the rest of our lives.  (Married women struggle with how to treat guy-friends too!).

Being comfortable with who I am has been a huge step in being guy's friends.  When we are comfortable with who we are, we invite others to be at ease with themselves.  There's no reason for us to intimidate men.  And it's really a pride issue if we think we have to go to unreasonable efforts to hide ourselves or "protect a man's purity".  We can get over ourselves a little.  :)

There are times I have laughed with my guy friends because we both found ourselves in an awkward situation-- or we weren't sure what would be appropriate.  (So, we are all in a circle and our host wants everyone to hold hands to pray....ah!  I'm standing next to "John"!  Hahaha).  It's okay to acknowledge we don't have this all figured out!

There's nothing wrong with being approachable.  Even initiating some conversation.  Smiling.  Being ourselves helps men to be men.  We sometimes need to just relax!  Life is not all about romance!  But letting a guy know we are available is going beyond being approachable.
 
There aren't rules and regulations on this.  Wisdom from others, biblical principles and guidelines and a little common sense goes a loooooooong way.  Who cares what Mrs. Matchmaker thinks?  But let's be above reproach.  Who cares what Miss Feminist thinks?  But let's not be socially awkward.

We ladies are given a gift.  We were given the power of influence.  This gives us a responsibility to encourage the men in our lives to be the godly men they should be.  Our wit, beauty and charm have very little to do with it.  But our conduct does!  (1 Pet. 3:2)

I am blessed with the men God has placed in my life.  How I treat them matters.  I can attest that my words, my actions have effected them.  Abigail wasn't silent!  But she was prudent with how and what she said.  Are we good examples?  Are we edifying?  Are we sisterly and charitable?

Loved this quote:

"Our presence in society is not mute.  What we say has an effect, what we don't say has an effect; what we laugh at has an effect. what we walk away from has an effect; the words we use have an effect; who we talk to and how we talk to them has an effect.  Young men notice.  Young women notice.  And when our behavior "set[s] the believers an example in speech, in conductm in love, in faith, in purity"  (1 Tim 4:12), it has the power to transform the social sene around us -- even to turn mice into men."  ~ Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin in "It's (Not That) Complicated" p. 189 

I'm an Old Maid -- Now What?!

I'm an Old Maid -- Now what?!

So, I'm 24 years old and unmarried.  In fact I'm not dating.  Not courting, not in a relationship - notta.

I actually had some people in my life come to me on my 24th birthday and try to "console" me.  Apparently I've reached hopeless "old maid" status.  And I didn't even know it!  Here's the thing --

I think a lot of Christian girls of my generation grew up with the thought that they would prepare to be a wife, graduate, and meet Prince Charming.  And then what?  Life!  We'd follow our husbands, have children, reign as housewife and serve God.

But for many of us, we turned 19 and Prince Charming browned on us.  So we decided we mustn't be ready yet.  There must be more to learn in Virtuous Womanhood 101.

Twenty...um, still no Prince.

Twenty one... no sign of him.

Twenty two... okay, you'd think we'd have a hint...maybe a guy on a white charger on the horizon...

Twenty three -- believe me!  I've learned everything there is to know about cooking, cleaning, serving, parenting and housekeeping.  I'm ready, God!

Twenty four -- Signing my name under Martyr of Old Maid Status

(For some of us the years continue...)

I actually understand why "older" single women turn to their singleness as a form of identity and therefore find it their consolation and security.  We women can yearn so long for male companionship and fulfillment that when "he" won't come, we go overboard in embracing "what we are" instead of "what we don't have".  It can be tempting.  And it sounds "good".  Obviously there is nothing wrong with embracing our single-hood,  In fact it really ought to be embraced.  But our identity is who we are in Christ, not our marital status.  (Or lack thereof!).  We don't have to flaunt our single-hood in order to accept and embrace it.

My dear maidens, I want to encourage you that marriage is not the hallmark of life.  It is not when life begins.  And though we were created to be a man's helpmeet, and live with this natural yearning to fulfill that -- there is more to womanhood than marriage.

I've seen girls treat the cultivation of their character/skills as preparation to be " a good wife".  Or in shallower more accurate words -- they were working on being a good catch.
Our pursuit of godly womanhood has nothing to do with becoming "eligible".  Culinary skills and character building have more purpose than ensuring we're noticed.

So what is our purpose?  

I know that God gives individuals specific purposes.  But what is our purpose as women in general?
We were created to be helpers, to meet needs, to compliment men.  We can still fulfill this purpose without being married.

Who are the men God has placed in your life?  If you have a father, a brother(s), Pastor, or even brothers in Christ -- God has placed you in a position to be a helper.  Of course we are not under submission or subject to these men in the way we are to our husbands.  (Eph. 5:22, Titus 2:5, 1 Pet. 3:1-5).

But we can look to heroines of faith and history to realize that many unmarried women fulfilled their purpose as helper without first being married.

Through Miriam, Moses' sister, a nation was saved.  She ministered to her brother and her steadfastness, her obedience, her quick intellect saved Israel.

Mary, an unmarried women was chosen to be the mother of Jesus Christ, our Messiah.

Sophie Scholl, a German Nazi resister, was not only an inspiration to her country -- but she was a faithful companion and confidant to her brother Hans.

Katharine Wright, Orville and Wilbur's little sister is also a good example.  "Kate" used every opportunity to encourage her brothers to greatness.  Eventually she became their executive secretary and social manager.  She watched over their bicycle shop, paid bills, answered queries for scientific information, corresponded with newspapers and magazines and eventually became secretary of the Wright company.

These are a handful of the many unmarried women God has used.  We as women have the opportunity to be an encourager and helper to the men God has placed in our lives.  Just as we can also be selfish and ignore our opportunities.

Whether we marry or not, we can learn willingness and availability like Mary, we can learn courage and can stretch our intellect like Miriam.  We can learn to be trustworthy and faithful like Sophie, and serve and encourage like Katharine.  If we never marry these things will not be a waste.

There are Godly men in our generation.  I personally am surrounded by them.  Two examples:

My father is raising his children in the admonition of the Lord.  This godly pursuit is not easy in our age.  He and his helpmeet (mom) can use all the encouragement and service I have to offer.

My brother Chris is on the forefront battle against abortion.  He is part of a grassroots movement to abolish our nation's child sacrifice, (AHA).  He is attacked not only by the world but by many Christians.

The men who desire to be godly in this generation need women who have backbone, convictions, intellect, compassion and femininity.  The world hates masculinity and godly leaders.  The world will constantly chip away at their integrity.

Though it is prudent to know how to keep a house, godly womanhood involves more than that.  It behooves us to have a grasp on current affairs, to have a worldview, to be interested in more than beauty tips and fashion buzz.

As daughters, sisters and wives we are ambassadors of those who care for us. How we dress, act and serve does matter.  We represent our heavenly and earthly father.  Men who can count on their counterparts are able to go father, reach more and stand stronger.

We are persuading voices.  We are guardians of purity.  We are feminine strength.  We are a safe friend.  We are prayer warriors.  We are faithful counselors.  We are listeners.  We are encouragers.

And this does not come about naturally.  We have to invest ourselves.  This involves sweat equity, time, prayer.  It means embracing our status as non-conformists.  We are a peculiar people -- even among the peculiar.

Virtuous womanhood is more than becoming marriage materiel.  With Christ we are to walk worthy of the Lord, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God.  (Col 1:10).
Are you ready to engage the world through the spheres and people God has placed in your life?  I am.  Marriage or not, here I come.

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Femininity 

Missing: Biblical 101 on Guy Friends

Spiritual Lessons

Dear 21st Century Maiden,

Why weren't we ever given a manual on how to treat guys?  Why isn't there a "Guy Relationship 101" in Scripture?  Is it really supposed to be this complex?

These are questions I've asked myself recently.  And I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.  I think we'd all agree that boundaries with guys makes sense.  There's the appearance of evil factor, the fact that Love seeketh not her own and vaunteth not herself, and the desire to set up our brothers to succeed.  If we know that certain things cause inevitable downfalls, we will steer clear away from those things out of love for our guy friends.

But what about the not-so-clear issues?  The "gray areas"?  The constant mysteries --  How often?  How long?  In what settings?

Jesus must have known that each situation would be different.  That each individual would be different.  Because of this, He purposefully didn't give us regulations on our relationships with the opposite gender.

Here are some things I've decided to consider:

1. Am I setting up my brother in Christ to fail?  This could apply to how we dress, how we talk to him, how often we write, how we say something -- the list goes on.  If it's questionable, we should give it some thought and prayer.

2. Would I recommend this behavior to someone else?  If we know this would be wrong for someone else, it might be worth checking into for ourselves.  Of course, just because it is wrong for one person doesn't mean it is for us -- but it's a good reality check.

3. What about my heart?  This is a tricky one.  Just because we're sharing our heart doesn't mean we are committing the unpardonable sin.  We will share our heart with our friend.  Everyone shouldn't be our friend, but those who are, will know and share our heart.  If we have a friend who is a guy, we will share some of our heart -- and that's okay.  That's what friends do.  A biblical mandate against friendship with a guy does not exist.

As women though, we have to be diligent in guarding our heart.  We are responders.  If someone initiates we naturally respond.  We were created to abandon our heart to one man and to be his helpmeet until "death do us part".  It's ingrained into us.  There is nothing more natural in the world than to pledge our heart to someone.  It's beautiful and godly -- if done in His time and in His way.  If we are sharing our heart with someone who has not committed himself to us, we better be alert.  We are in a situation that calls for diligence and care.

He is a friend.  And if he hasn't promised anything else, than that is all he is: a friend.  We have no right, no obligation, no loyalty, no privileges and no prerogative towards him.  He is still our friend and there is nothing to differentiate us between any other girl friend of his.  Even if we feel differently.  We still must act like a friend until something more than friendship has been declared.

I'm not negating that we won't feel more than a friend towards one of our guy friends.  And that's okay. Those feelings are real and need to be addressed, not ignored.  Denying them won't make them go away.  It's an inevitable part of life for any girl.  But to act on that feeling would be treading on dangerous grounds.  And why?  Firstly, because which one of us wants to encourage a relationship into forming that God didn't intend?   Personally I desire for my man to fall in love with me for me -- not because I coaxed him into it.  Not because I rashly acted on a fleeting passion.  Feelings can be deceitful and temporary and incredibly powerful.  To act on any feeling should first be given thought.  And secondly, when a girl acts on her feelings she is in essence pledging herself.  We are forming attachments.  Some attachment might be perfectly innocent.  But we must take into consideration -- are we setting up ourselves to fail in purity?

4. What about my brothers?  Would I be okay with girls treating them how I treat my brother in Christ?  Obviously I wouldn't want every girl I know to be my brothers friend.  But that aside, would I be okay with godly girl friends giving my brothers the same attention that I do to my guy friends?
 If not, we should stop and examine ourselves.  This isn't a perfect rule, but again, a good reality check.  For example, if we'd be upset that a girl was texting our brother, maybe we should consider whether it's alright for us to text our guy-friends.  Just because we'd be okay with something doesn't logically make it alright -- but if we are uncomfortable for our brothers to be treated one way, it might be good to question whether it's alright for us to treat anyone that way.

5. My conclusion:  If we can make it down such a list and still find our position in good conscience then I think we can proceed with prayer and humility.  Sometimes I double-guess myself and wonder and analyze and worry.  I think -- well, I don't think I am setting up my brother to fail, but what if I'm wrong?  I would only recommend this to some people not all -- so is it therefore wrong?  I'm not acting on my feelings, but I do find myself enjoying this person and growing fond of them and desiring their company.  And, I would only be okay with some girls treating my brothers this way, not all of them -- am I wrong?

In such a case I've learned that this is when I must come to my Father and seek His counsel.  He happens to know exactly what I am to do and what I can handle.  And in loving care He will reveal His desire for me if I am truly seeking an answer.
To act in fear is unhealthy.  To continue in something because we are selfish is wrong.  Either way is unbalanced.

Before signing off I want to say this -- to fall in love with someone isn't evil.  Our responsibility is to act like a loving friend.  God will do the rest.  We have more options than either --
a. throwing caution to the wind, or
b. throwing our relationship out the window.

 It is easier to be an extremist.  It would be easier just to either "go with" our emotions and just be and do everything our heart tells us, OR, to call everything off and shun mankind because it's safer.
But like everything else in life God's way is always balanced.  We can co-exist with the men in our lives in charity and purity.  If God tells you to stop a behavior or to call off a relationship -- by all means, obey!  But there should be no guilt in being an appropriate friend with godly men.  And no shame in "falling in love" either.  It's  a perfectly natural beautiful thing.  We are given the opportunity to do so in balanced purity, in the love of God and in His guidance.

Blessings on your journey,

Toni


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