Peacefully Drowning

Spiritual Lessons

Peacefully Drowning

 

6:15 Am. I reach over and dismiss the alarm. Jumping out of bed I grab my Bible and rush through devotions. Personal, throbbing hurts to tend to – but there isn't time to think or write.

7:45 Am. I multi-task by cooking breakfast, getting dressed, taking out my seventeen different supplements for the day, and start the car so the windshield ice might melt. That's when I remember my heater and defroster won't work in the cold. I scrape away at the ice with my gloves while standing with snow in my boots, picking away at the unyielding ice. The sun is just coming over the mountain. I'm caught away in a tempest of thoughts. I have 100 things to do today...or was it 101? I know there was something else to remember... Oh yeah! Breakfast inside is burning!

8:00 Am. I'm supposed to be driving out the Hutto Highland gates right now. Instead, I'm scraping the bottom of a burnt pot. The second pot I've burned – in the last two days. Mom's threatened to buy me my own pots and pans. Abbie comes down stairs and demands that we play dolly. Plus she needs me to pour her milk. Beth has a math question and Jeremy is frustrated with penmanship. I go to rinse the pot and remember we ran out of water last night....and we don't have gasoline for the generator.

8:10 Am. I'm in the car driving out the gate. That's when I remember I left my lunch at the house.

8:45 AM I'm off the snowy mountain, wrapped in blankets and beanie and gloves, and on my way to work. Ponderay Lake is dark and choppy, fringed in powdery snow. I sometimes play music or listen to preaching or a book on CD, but my own mind is an overwhelming companion. It never pauses long enough for me to listen to anything else. Family difficulties weigh down. I ponder how to make more time. I feel like I'm drowning. But sometime God will stay the waves from crashing in on me....right?

5:00 PM. I'm locking up. There's still so much to do. My boss is on family leave and needs me here more than ever. Talked on the phone today with mom. She's doing worse. I still have groceries to get.

6:30 PM I'm home. I still have to make my own dinner even though the family is sitting down to theirs. I kick off my boots, set my things down in a chair and rush into the kitchen to prepare food.

8:00 PM I'm dead tired but there's dishes to do.

9:30 PM I sit in bed with jammies on and my diary on my lap. I want to recount the events of my day but I'm so tired. I wonder why life seems so bleak and purposeless and chaotic. I wonder why I feel sick and why I look sick. My health is deteriorating along with my sanity. Mid-sentence I remember I have forgotten to remove my nail polish... I stare down at my toes. I'm just too tired.

10:00 PM I run downstairs, heat my water bottle for my nightly castor oil pack. My parents are talking about life's hardships. Car broke down. Money can't be stretched any farther. Health issues. Complex relationships. I go to bed thinking of the full day of work I will have tomorrow. Dad needs help at work. How to put my life on hold? I have started going to bed later and later ... I fall asleep with the thought that I have no other choice than to get up early the next morning.

Somewhere along life I stopped.

Was God judging me? Had I done something wrong? Or maybe He was teaching me....something? That's when I decided I didn't need to know. And I was just going to trust Him. Even if He never made the continual crashing waves stop. Even if He didn't come to my rescue and call “Peace be Still”. I was drowning, but from now on, I decided I was going to peacefully drown. And it happened.

6:15 Am. I reach over and dismiss the alarm. Jumping out of bed I grab my Bible. I only have a little time for devotions. I simply tell God what hurts. I don't have time to write it out. I simply tell Him.

7:45 Am I multi-task by cooking breakfast, getting dressed, taking out my seventeen different supplements for the day, and start the car. I remember my heater and defrost doesn't work in the cold. I scrape away at the ice. The sun is just coming over the mountain. My storm of thoughts comes to take over, but I take the time to breathe in the cold air and look at the sunrise. God is good. He gave me today. And somewhere He mentions that His mercies are new every morning. Thank God for mornings. Oh yeah! Breakfast inside is burning!

8:00 Am. I'm supposed to be driving out the Hutto Highland gates right now. Instead, I'm scraping the bottom of a burnt pot. The third pot I've burned this week. Maybe Mom will buy me my own pots and pans. Abbie comes down stairs and demands that we play dolly. As I pour her milk for her cereal I tell her how much I would love to play with her. Maybe after work we will play dollies in bed. Beth has a math question. I show her her mistake. Jeremy is frustrated with penmanship. I let him know he has beautiful penmanship, and sometime this evening I will help him. I go to rinse the pot and I am thankful we have water.

8:10 Am. I'm in the car driving out the gate. That's when I remember I left my lunch at the house.

8:45 AM I'm off the snowy mountain, wrapped in blankets and beanie and gloves, and on my way to work. Ponderay Lake is dark and choppy ...and beautiful. The sun casts pink highlights and the border of trees stand like ancient white towers. I live in a picture-perfect place. My mind is an overwhelming companion, reminding me of my “to do list”. I decide to sing. I sing to God, quietly and sincerely and without talent. It really doesn't matter: it's just us. I sing about my family difficulties. And my lack of time. And how I feel like I'm drowning. I tell Him I'm going to drown peacefully, even if it doesn't feel peaceful. I realize it's not just me and my mind today...I have a better companion.

5:00 PM. I'm locking up. There's still so much to do. Talked on the phone today with mom. She's doing worse. I still have groceries to get.

6:30 PM I'm home. I still have to make my own dinner even though the family is sitting down to theirs. I kick off my boots, set my things down in a chair and rush into the kitchen to prepare food.

8:00 PM I'm dead tired but there's dishes to do. I find time to play a ten minute round of dollies and to talk to Beth and Jeremy.

9:30 PM I sit in bed with jammies on and my diary on my lap. I'm so tired. I know why I feel sick and why I look sick. My health is deteriorating because I was so desperately fighting the waves. Mid-sentence I stare down at my toes. I'm still just too tired. But it's okay.

10:00 PM I run downstairs, heat my water bottle for my nightly castor oil pack. My parents are talking about life's hardships. Car can't be fixed. Money can't be stretched any father. Health issues. Complex relationships. I go to bed thinking of the full day of work I will have tomorrow. Dad needs help at work. Life can't be put on hold. This IS life. I crawl into bed and turn off my lamp. So this is what it feels like to drown peacefully. My circumstances haven't changed, but instead of fighting I'm at peace with it all. Morning will come, all too quickly, but now I didn't dread it so much.