Don't Play the Victim
I really didn't feel like sharing this. Because it's rather humbling. But I also know that it might help others.
I recently became aware how I have allowed myself to play the victim. I have allowed myself to feel scared and hurt. I allowed it to push me into a place of insecurity. Lies have felt legitimate, and I have done so little to refuse them.
There is nothing humble about removing myself from confidence to fear. I have been my own worst abuser. It is sinful to remain in any sort of abusive relationship, but here I sat. Being a willing victim is a sin. It's collaboration with the abuser and a condoning of the abuse. Distress does not make me a damsel. It has made me a victim.
Claiming the place of “unworthy”, is choosing to be in league with the enemy. It's a lie, and Satan is the father of lies. And this is his method of taking me out of the battle. How dare I allow him to succeed?
I have struggled with manipulators, all my life. I've learned that, “giving in”, not standing up for myself, saying “yes”, when I really should say “no” – all of that behavior is weak and wrong. The behavior of a victim. Recently, I have been learning how to be a lion. To stand boldly to authorities who have manipulated and abused in my life. But I have refused to fight for my own mind and soul.
Of course the struggle is very real. I do hurt. I do battle with my worth. But the reality of the battle is no excuse for giving in. I've determined it's time to stop mourning over my hurts and start accepting the Truth. I must recognize that when I start to shift in my mind and feel hurt and uncertain – that I'm about to flee over to the enemy camp. To exchange Jesus' banner of love for Satan's dark banner of lies. The Devil doesn't own me. I'm a child of God. And I belong to Jonah.
It is a sin to rename Satan's banner and covering as anything else (ie: humility, righteousness, truth...). It is traitorous of me to accept Satan's banner.
Ultimately, it is selfish to play the victim. And I am the only one to blame for shackling my mind. Satan has no power of me. I'm going to stand up to my own flesh, and to Satan. He cannot devour me this time. I know this is going to be hard. I know there will still be times where I feel cornered. I know I will be attacked. I know I will still cry. I will still hurt. But I'm going to be a lion.
And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been a victim. I'm sorry for sinning. And I'm sorry it has affected people I love. I repent. I am determined to believe truth.