Spiritual Lessons
Love
Part IV
And
I thought I was done learning what love is!
Recently,
the Lord showed me that I still rely on myself to give love to
others. And to show me my independence, I believe He allowed my
“love tank” to completely run dry.
It
is difficult to describe my feelings and struggles without including
others and their behavior. But I also wonder if some of the feelings
I experienced are something you can relate to... please forgive any
vagueness, I am trying to spare other people. This is my recent
account from my diary.
February
1, 2013.
“My
hurting, this hole, it comes from all these “little” things.
They drag me down. I end up resolving to do more...to compensate for
the lack on the other side. I am exhausted.
I
took a walk yesterday and I wept so hard..I haven't cried like that
for a long long time... not since my broken collar bone. When the
sobs shake your whole frame and you are surprised because suddenly
you hear wailing and you realize...it's you. Sorrow is physically
draining and painful. And it is doubly wounding when no one cares or
notices. I begged God for an answer. I begged Him for a hope to
cling to. For a reason to live cheerfully. For peace. And He gave
the simplest answer and the hardest challenge. At least I think He
did. I couldn't hear Him but I had this answer come to me somehow.
He
was the answer. He was my hope.
It
seemed too simple. I was completely empty. I didn't have anymore to
give. No more service. No more hoping, no more trying, no more
encouraging, no more pretending, no more loving, ignoring, praying,
thinking, talking, planning, doing. I was on empty. I sobbed and
told Him this. I told Him this wasn't a place, a trial, that He
temporarily gave me, it was my life. Ever since I was young I have
lived with this burden, this gaping hole in some shape or form. I
was tired of broken relationships, the owning to obvious problems
without change. Nothing I did was enough to fill the hole. I was so
desperate...I thought only the unsaved ever come this close to
depression and despair. What was it that Christ expected me to do at
this point?
The
answer came to my mind. Not audibly, but just as sure.
Love,
not through my strength, but His.
It
actually sickened me. Hadn't I already done this? Love? How can I
love someone who thinks they've won my heart and haven't diligently
sought it? Loving them would be proving their misconception.
But
Christ said, “Not your love...my love.”
“But
I've tried that and it's so hard.”
I
realized that if it was that hard it must have been me. My love.
But as I stood there in the snow, I knew I had lost all desire to
love. How could I love someone who takes advantage of my love? How
can I love someone who seemingly only appreciates my service and
nothing else? How can I love someone who never tries to spend time
with me? Who doesn't care how I'm doing? Never asks to do anything
with me?
I
can't. I cannot love them. At that moment, and even at this moment
as I write, I had/have no desire
to
love them. But He wants me to. Where do I start? By loving Him.
By loving Him, I can obey Him. He is capable of loving someone who
only loves Him for His service and nothing else. His love for me
proves this. I can't seem to get over the hurdle that if I love then
it proves everything is okay. I feel like I'm condoning them. But
that isn't my concern is it? None of this is. All I do is obey and
He is automatically responsible for the outcome and circumstances.
He will not forget me through this. He is my only hope. God made a
promise to Abraham, and after Abraham patiently (and not so
patiently) endured, he obtained the promise. It is impossible for
God to lie. And I have a strong consolation because I have fled to
Him for refuge and have laid hold on Him for my hope. This hope
will be my anchor both sure and steadfast. (Heb 6).
He
told me to love. I will obey through Christ. And I will give Him
the problems. If He chooses that I suffer because I have chosen to
obey Him, then so be it. Through Him I will continue, I will praise
Him and I will absorb all the grace He chooses to offer me. I am
trusting Him. He must supply the love and the desire, for I am
empty.”
See
what I write the very next day:
“Nothing
is impossible with God. He can achieve the impossible. In fact, I
think He enjoys it. His lovingkindness is better than life! He is
my defense, I will not be greatly moved. In the shadow of His wing I
find comfort. He is my hope and comfort. He is Jehovah Rapha, my
healer. I know the wound is still there but I don’t feel like I am
standing with an open bleeding hurt. Christ is a balm. He is a
Guide. He expects much but rewards more. He is in control. And if
He can heal me, if He can guide and control my emotions every hour,
He certainly can change those He asks me to love. I am not
responsible for it happening. I can only do my part. Last night I
was able to witness myself start to heal. I can not allow
bitterness. The Lord is a patient and gracious Daddy. He asks me to
love when it feels impossible – but He is allowing me to get there
one step at a time. The first step yesterday was numbness. A
healing, a balm. I know it's still there and I could pick at it and
make it bleed and hurt all over – but I want to heal. And I want
to be able to love, despite my feelings. That's another miracle. He
has given me a desire to desire. Only Him! My pastures seem
desolate, but now they are in an odd way...green. My waters seemed
still, but stagnant and bitter. But I've drank the littlest bit and
it isn't that bad. Only Christ! He is amazing. I don't have to
have anything in life to look forward to. His loving kindness is
enough to satisfy this heart.”
The
next morning I read in Helen Roseveare's book Living
Faith.
She mentioned the miracle of the five loaves of bread and two fish.
I was totally astonished by the lesson.
I
had always pictured that once Christ prayed over the scanty meal,
that He multiplied it so the disciples could pass out the food.
Instead,
Miss Roseveare points out that He first took
their
insufficient
supply,
broke
it,
gave
it back, and
expected them to face the crowd and give
it. She
pointed out their faith. I was shocked to realize that their broken
insufficient supply multiplied...but only until after they obeyed and
gave! This was exactly what He did with me! He took my insufficient
love, broke it and gave it back with the expectation that I should
give and use it. It seemed so silly. But once I obeyed, it proved
sufficient. What a God! I haven't experienced a “filling” of my
basket. Nothing happened, but by my choice to obey I have had such
peace. And it hasn't been hard....perhaps slow...but it has been
easy. And my circumstances haven't changed! If anything they have
become harder as the Lord has added change into my life and a new
trial. It has been exactly 13 days since that weary trudge through
the snow. I truly believe that some of my “attacks” have come
because I am almost done with this book and any time I work on it, as
I have been lately, I seem to be attacked. But the Lord has really
been using it. I knew after I wrote this is my diary that the Lord
would have me add it to my never-ending “Love Chapter”. But I
have waited until now because I knew I couldn't go over what I wrote
without crying and having it hurt all over again. The fact that I
was able to type this all out is another miracle of His healing.”
Then
several months later I wrote:
“What
measureless great love! A love that obeys despite the consequence of
suffering for it. A love that wraps around the very sword that drips
with love's own blood. A love that continues to love the unworthy
one who believes himself deserving. A giving, emptying, love for
someone who never dared to win it and yet believes he has
automatically earned it. What wondrous mysterious love! And I am
capable of carrying such love, and privileged to have Him use such
love through me. I am thankful that is the love He uses to love me
with. How could I be selfish enough to withhold it?
He
leads me where the waters rage
The
waters crash and swell
And
yet upon a rock I'm stayed
I'm
in my Father's will
He
leads me where the water stays
It's
bitter and it's still
I'll
have to choose to run or “lay”
I
drink: it's sweet, I'm filled
He
leads me where the water's dry
A
desert and a plain
When
all else fails, in Him I find
A
well, my peace, the rain.
No
matter what wounds I have, or will have, I will learn to love and I
will continue to obey through Christ. There truly is no other way.
I hope through these many lessons in love you will find the same
peace I have found. He is more than sufficient.
Really good job Toni! It is amazing how we never really think about the details of love and how it works, your series on love has been a huge encouragement and blessing to me. Thank you for taking the time to write this series of posts and for sharing your heart. Love you. :)
ReplyDeleteTasha
Thanks Tasha. I am thrilled every time someone thanks me for encouraging them. Oh my. What a blessing to know that God can use me to be a blessing to someone else. Thank you for letting me know. It means so much to me.
DeleteI appreciate so much Toni, how you shared here your struggles to be willing to love. That is very much a real thing and close to home for me. It is so important. Being willing to be hurt and to keep being hurt. But still it is worth it. He is worthy. Thanks again Toni.
ReplyDelete