Silly Scribbles
#2
~ Or Life as Toni ~
Just recently I started a little series of writings that I titled “Silly Scribbles” or “Life as Toni”. I began posting them on a private writing club that I joined. I received such positive feedback I decided to be be brave and share with my Maid Arise readers.
So often the writer in me throbs and insists, but my current work in progress is strictly grammatical at this point and my creative juices feel cramped and unjustly squelched. So I have decided to allow these juices passage and wait to see what comes of it. I decided to share my experiences with you. Sometimes my life can be quite humorous to the point of disbelief which I have come to accept as normal.... or sometimes I learn new things about myself or little lessons God teaches through the inevitable we've fondly labeled “life”. I hope that these shared stories and bearings of the soul are somehow a blessing, or in the least, a few minutes of entertainment.
The Chain of Difference
“Good Morning ladies, what
kind of beverage can I start you out with?”
Normally I would have asked
for coffee, but I hadn't had even a sip of coffee in over four
months.
I smiled up at the waitress
confidently. “Tea please”
I was almost sure the
waitress looked a little surprised but she quickly turned to my new
friend across from me – “And you?”
“The same, please.”
I had only recently met
Bethany, a sweet Christian young woman who I had decided to try to
get to know better. The Lord has specifically put her on my heart
that week which had prompted me to ask the day before if she would
like to spend her lunch hour together. Bethany was delighted, but
decided that breakfast would be even better and invited me out for
the next day.
What she didn't know was
that I went home slightly anxious after accepting her invitation. I
had planned to just bring my own lunch and spend her lunch hour with
her, but “going out” led me to quite the conundrum. I can only
eat five foods. What was I going to eat at a Diner? Bringing my own
breakfast was out of the question. But when I thought of what
“normal” people eat for breakfast I felt defeated. Bacon or
sausage...nope. Can't have pork. Eggs, french toast, pancakes,
waffles, fruit....nope, nope and nope. I couldn't even “get away”
with eating a little bit. Any of those foods would nearly kill me.
And so, there I was, sitting in a Diner, with a lovely young woman
who had graciously invited me to breakfast, without the ability to
eat any breakfast kind of food. This is Toni... the girl who eats
chicken legs and carrot juice for breakfast.
After receiving our tea we
chit chatted about our families and our recent activities. I
sweetened my tea with stevia from my purse and Bethany didn't seem to
think anything of it. I relaxed a little. What made me so nervous?
Bethany wasn't going to “un-friend” me just because I am
different. But that was it – I hated sticking out. I hated being
different. Even as a child I remember going through great pains to
meld. I always feared that the things I didn't understand were
obvious to everyone but me, and would go along, totally in the dark,
too afraid to ask any questions. Or how the kids in private school
bought their lunches, but mine were made at home, and this bothered
me. My brother was always different than everyone else, but seemed
to revel in it. Chris didn't care that he thought differently or
didn't like what everyone else did, or that his only friend in first
grade was the little fat girl everyone disliked. But I cared. I
wanted people to like me. I have always desired for approval. I
dread the idea of someone, anyone, being upset with me.
“Alright, so what can I
get for you girls this morning?”
I had already scanned the
menu. Nothing. They even served oatmeal, but I couldn't eat that
either.
I looked up at Bethany and
found her expectantly waiting for me to go first.
I looked back down at the
menu and decided.
“I would like a hamburger,
please”.
I couldn't really blame the
waitress for looking at me the way she did – it was eight 'o
clock in the morning.
“Okay....would you like
anything on the side....like hashbrowns or the fruit dish?”
“No thank you....just a
hamburger....without the bun please.”
She was writing on her
little note pad when she did a double-take. “No bun?”
“Yes, please....” I
looked down at the menu to see what came on the burger and took in a
deep breath before adding – “and no ketchup or mustard, or onion
or cheese...” I took one more look at the Hog's Flat Angus
Burger description.
“...or pickle.”
I looked back up to see the
waitress with pen held above her pad, her eyes with a blank
expression, just staring. I didn't dare look at Bethany.
“You mean....” she
finally said, “you want a hamburger for breakfast...?”
I nodded.
“...with no ketchup, no
onion, no cheese and no pickle?”
“Yes please.”
She looked at me
incredulously. She was a bigger woman, with her hair pulled up too
tight, and a brusque voice that seemed to carry across the diner.
“Ooookaay. And what about
you?” She turned to Bethany.
I looked up at Bethany to
meet her amused face. She was smiling at me, but not only with
amusement but almost admiration. “The same please.”
I was surprised. “Beth,
you don't have to get the same as me....”
She cut me short and laughed
and then looked up at the waitress with a confidence that I realized
I had used with the waitress, even if I hadn't felt it. “A
hamburger please”.
And so our breakfast was a
success and I learned not only how to order breakfast in a Diner on
an elimination diet, but also that real friends can enjoy eating
hamburgers at eight o' clock A.M. :)
***
It amuses me really that in
general, people seem to strive for difference. As if they seek
individuality in it. While all my life I've yearned to be normal.
I've always been a slow learner. Also being a Christian woman in
this day and age makes me stand out. And now I'm the girl with only
squash, meat and carrots on her “Can eat” list.
Who would have guessed that
seeing everyone's hands take a sandwich off a platter would make me
feel lonely? Or when everyone says “Hey, let's go get an
icecream!” Or to sit at the table and see that every plate
matches, everything on the dishes looks and smells the same until you
come to my seat. Not only am I alone in my difference, but alone in
a crowd. Like a jagged puzzle piece that is pronounced by the fact
everyone else matches, but me. Not only bereaved but different.
And yet, being different has
two sides. It is definitely hard to be different and pointed out.
But it has become my new norm, and I have found most people,
waitresses discluded, are quite accepting of my difference. The
other side is to be forgotten.
Sometimes others presume I
don't join in because it's my preference. They have no concept of
the invisible chains that hold me back. Difference is no longer a
mark that defines me, but a barrier that separates. Difference has
become a norm in my life, but others can forget. My difference isn't
their constant companion, but mine; it's easy for them to overlook,
but it's become my life.
And yet the chain of
difference has been entrusted to me. For a reason. Why do I care if
no-one knows what sacrifices I must make in order to live my life?
They too may have secret sacrifices that hold them back from
something I take for granted in my own life. I do not need people to
relate in order for me to live life to the fullest. It would be nice
to be understood, but their ignorance is not a hindrance, and it
certainly is not a show of disinterest in me as a person.
How lovely to be given a
life that Jesus has charted exclusively for me. What if it includes
difference? With this difference comes Himself as my companion. And
not for some of the journey, but all of it. I don't need any one
else. He knows the weight of difference. He knows the loneliness.
He sees the invisible chains, for He allowed them to be hung about my
neck. For my good. They teach me dependence, need, love, empathy.
These chains are also a link to others souls who bear similar ones.
And I would never have been able to understand had I not had this
freedom of normality taken from me.
What liberates me from my
chain is not escaping it's weight but the attitude in which I wear
it. My chain can become wings of sympathy, and my captivity a prayer
for others. The mark of difference is nothing to be despised. I
have never had anything else prepare my soul for crucifixion as well
as my chain of difference.
Different? Yes, but I have
come to accept Difference as a blessing instead of a barrier. A
direct link to the very One I need. I have found my chain of
difference a gold one.
For more on "chains"click here.
For more on "chains"click here.
Toni, I really enjoy reading these little 'exerts' from you life... I also found it very touching that Bethany was willing to eat a hamburger at 8 in the morning in order to put you at ease... so sweet.
ReplyDeleteThank you Toni for sharing these little bits of your life, they are fun but also encouraging. Love you.
ReplyDeleteTasha
Thanks girls, glad you enjoyed this. :)
ReplyDelete