Spiritual Lessons
Courtship Defended
I
recently read a post from Facebook that made a case that courtship is
flawed and even detrimental. I enjoy discussions on such topics and
it interested me that this man was a homeschool graduate, a
Christian, a lover of writing and had read “I Kissed Dating
Goodbye”. This was someone I could relate to! And yet, as I read,
I realized we had little in common on this subject. By the end of
the post I was actually appalled with the advice he was giving young
people and equally dismayed that many Christians (even some friends
of mine) were being swayed by his argument. I decided to write a
“reply” to this well liked post. I realize that everyone is
entitled to an opinion, but just as he wrote to influence, I also
write to take a stand on this vital issue.
(Because
of his lengthy post I will be making “installments” of my equally as long defense)
The
Flaws of Courtship
This
writer (who I will be referring to as “the Writer” throughout
this post) begins with the flaws in courtship. Firstly, he points
out the fact that courtship is ill defined, while also pointing out
that we should stick to the old custom of dating like Grandma and
Grandpa.
I
would like to begin by saying that courtship really is not a new
movement, but a rediscovery of age old family-oriented marriage customs. Of
course the name “courtship” may be more modern, (depending on your definition of modern) but the practice
in and of itself is quite old.
Also,
courtship really isn't a formula. No one has come up with a formal
definition. This may be because of the fact that each couple is
bound to have unique circumstances with unique convictions.
The
fact that courtship has flaws is quite undeniable. That is because
it involves human beings. Of course there will be flaws! And yet
this method has worked beautifully for many families and couples I
know.
So
what is courtship anyway?
The
writer of this post seemed greatly disturbed by the fact that
courtship seems to have no exact definition, as if this was a
negative trait. He is right, there is no “exact” process. That
really is the simplicity of courtship. Every family determines their
own standards and rules of conduct. Courtship is a process based on
biblical principles.
The
Writer's definition of courtship is as follows:
The man must ask the woman's father's permission before pursuing the woman romantically.
High accountability (chaperons, monitored correspondence, etc.)
Rules about physical contact and purity. (The specific rules vary...)
The purpose of the courtship is marriage
High relational intentionality and intensity.
High parental involvement. Fathers typically hold a "permission and control" role, rather than the traditional "advice and blessing" role held by the father.
I
would agree with most of what he says here. Other than the
“intensity”, and his odd remark on the traditional “advise and
blessing” role.
Courtship
is all about pursuing a mate in security, with pure standards and
honorable intentions in God's way and in God's timing.
Young
people, like myself, who are committed to courtship are people who
have decided they want more than what the World offers. We realize
that romantic relationships must be approached objectively and with
counsel because of it's seriousness.
This
writer also has one huge misconception about courtship. Over and
over he points out the foolishness of the “intensity” of
courtship and how ridiculous it is to go from being acquaintances and
then suddenly to the betrothal-like method of courtship. His
misconception is this: he has entirely ignored the friendship stage.
In
the courtships I have seen, the first stage seems to be friendship.
Before any inklings of matrimony there is an informal friendship on
the part of the young man and woman. The young man and young woman
will get to know each other as a brother and sister in Christ. Many
basic, yet crucial things can be observed from this safe perspective.
Salvation
Christian
maturity
Vision
How
they treat authority
How
the opposite gender is respected
Treatment
of children
Character
traits
Worldview
Friends
(company)
Education
Family
relationships
Financial
habits
In
the ideal situation, the families have already known each other, are
like minded, and have spent time with each other before the young man pursues a relationship with the young woman. But obviously, that is not the case for everyone. Thankfully, courtship is not a
regulated formula and so fits the needs of varying situations. If
the father does not know the young man well, he will need to find out
enough about him to know if marriage is a possibility. Biblically,
the father is the daughter's protector, and in such a critical time
in her life must be involved. Of course there are situations where
there is no father. Yet even then, courtship has worked in such
situations. So first comes the friendship stage.
The
Writer was concerned by the caution and seriousness of courtship. Courtship is taken with caution and seriousness because courtship is stage 2, not the beginning. We must
remember that hearts are vulnerable and sensitive and who we marry
will affect us the rest of our lives. When hearts and relationships
are valued it is obvious to use caution and a healthy dose of
seriousness.
The
Case for Traditional Dating
This
writer often refers to his grandmother's success in dating. There
are dating success stories. This doesn't mean it's the ideal
method. He mentions his grandmother's advice called “The One Dating
Rule”. Basically: Don't go out with the same guy twice in a row.
He
explains:
“So
if she went out for soda with Bob on Tuesday, she had to go to a
movie with Bill on Thursday before she could go to the school dance
with Bob on Saturday.
...
The lack of exclusivity helped them guard their hearts and kept
things from getting too serious too quickly. The lack of exclusivity
kept the interactions fun and casual.”
He
also points out that by dating over 20 men, his grandmother knew
which “Bob” she wanted to marry when she was ready. How else
would she have known?
The
first red flag is the words “fun and casual”. Friendships
are “fun and casual”.
What
makes dating “casual”? If young people wanted to have a fun
casual relationship then they would be okay doing things in groups, as friends.
But this wouldn't be dating.
By
“casual”, the Writer in actuality is striving for the idea of
“non-committal”. He is encouraging a method of relationships
without commitment. A temporary thrill without any other motive. A
playing at true intimacy, yet not the real thing. A recreational
relationship. This is why courtship is offensive to the Writer.
Because courtship encourages a serious, faithful and real
relationship with motives beyond temporary pleasure.
A
couple going into a dating relationship, believing it to “just be
fun and casual” are deceived. When becoming “an item” or
“pairing off” the couple has begun an emotional driven
attachment. It's inevitable; especially without the accountability
of a group setting. Even with it being “fun and casual”, they
will become attached informally. The dating environment initiates
emotional intimacy, and encourages an emotional response. Even with
only “casual and fun” intended.
Is this wrong?
It
is wrong when emotional intimacy is stirred up for someone you have
no intention on marrying. The problem with
non-committal-relationships (Dating) is that you are playing with
vulnerable hearts. It might be “fun” for a while, but it is
temporary. You will not marry every Bob and Bill. And when you
“break up”, wounded hearts are the outcome. Suddenly it doesn't
seem so fun or casual. That's because we aren't meant to invest
ourselves romantically in someone temporarily. Especially multiple
people. Courtship protects that intimacy for the one you will one day
commit becoming “one flesh” with, for the rest of
your life.
The
Writer tries to make a case of a difference between dating and “going
steady”. It sounds nice, but really they are just different shades
of dating.
The
Writer mentions that by sticking to the One Dating Rule (Bob, Bill,
Bob), you are not in an exclusive relationship and therefore it must
be easier to guard your heart. And yet, on Tuesday you are
exclusively Bobs, on Thursday exclusively Bill's, and on Saturday
exclusively Bob's again. I think it could be proved by the simple
fact that if anyone had tried to go out for a soda with Bob and you,
you would be quite miffed. Why? Because today you're Bob's girl.
It's just another shade of dating.
Really,
this definition of dating seems to diminish the spectacular beauty of
a God-planned love story, and exchange it for a “fun and casual”
recreational one. The word courtship doesn't even have to be
used...it's the methodology of what people have titled “Courtship”.
It defines relationships, it maintains honor, it gives God
preeminence, in involves security and selflessness.
The
writers “specific challenges” that he identified with courtship
were:
Identification (Finding that other person)
Interaction (Spending time with the other person)
Initiation (Starting the relationship)
He
goes on to say that...
“Each
year I waited for courtship to start working and for my homeschool
friends to start getting married. It never happened. Most of them are
still single. Some have grown bitter and jaded.”
The
first thing I'd like to mention is that singleness is not a curse.
It is a gift that God has given to us for a season. If marriage is
our life's goal then of course it will become discouraging if years
pass and we don't “achieve” marriage. Marriage is also a gift.
There is so much more to life than just the gift of marriage. There
is so much to live for, and learn. God's timing is best. When we
give Him our love-life to orchestrate we can rest in the fact that He
knows best and take this time to not only prepare for marriage but to
fulfill His present plans for us.
Many
of my friends wanted to marry early, but when the Lord had them wait,
later on they were so grateful. They had personal spiritual battles
yet to go through, lessons to learn, families to support. The Lord
knows what He is doing! In reality, this is a trust issue, not a
question of courtship's method.
Identification:
God has no problem showing you the identity of your future mate. Of
course the Lord reveals “the one” to us in individual unique
ways, since each one of us have unique and individual circumstances.
But,
how does the Lord show us anything in our lives? He shows us through
prayer, our authorities and His word. And certainly with something
so imperative as our life's mate He won't leave us in the dark.
We
serve Jesus. The Almighty Creator of the universe. Why do we fear
that He can't possibly orchestrate our love life for us? We don't
have to sit on the side lines, passively yawning our single years
away. We are to be industrious, knowledgeable, prayer
warriors...that doesn't magically happen when we walk down the aisle.
That is why we pursue these things now in our singleness. If we let
Him choose, we will receive the best. By pursuing Bob on Tuesday,
Bill on Thursday and Bob on Saturday, we leave God out of the
equation.
Interaction:
I'm unsure exactly why the Writer sees this as a challenge. I have
seen over a handful of courtships. Yes, there are awkward moments.
Are there not in dating? Maybe not. But if awkwardness is a cost of
a pure relationship, then it is a small cost. Seeing a courting
couple interact has only been a sweet thing to behold. The young
people I know have only positive things to say when it comes to
having their parents involved in their courtship.
Initiation:
The Writer mentions that people committed to
courtship wait until they are ready to get married before initiating
a relationship.
“Readiness
can become a carrot on a stick, an ideal that can never be achieved.”
In
a sense he is right. Of course we will never be perfectly ready.
There will always be room to learn and grow. But the idea is to only
pursue a relationship in the Lord's timing. He knows when we are
ready. If we believe we should move forward then we simply pray for
that green light. He cares, He will let us know.
To be continued....
Next Post: The Writer discusses the" Advantages of Traditional Dating"
(ie: More League awareness, More Matchmaking, More Fun, More Marriage, More Interaction, Less Temptation and Less Heartbreak.)
For Part II click here.
