Why You're Unmarried

Spiritual Lessons

Why You're Unmarried

Recently on a roadtrip to Portland, my siblings and I chanced upon a Christian program where the speaker and his wife were addressing the epidemic of unmarried youth. They blamed the selfishness of the modern generation. And while I agree that my generation is certainly selfish, I think the root stems from something much more complex and deeper.

Every unmarried Christian young woman I know desires marriage. In fact, most Christian young woman I know desired marriage and motherhood since they were five years old. For most of us it was one of our biggest aspirations. Something we played at as children, and something we dreamed of as adults.


So why so many unmarried today?


While there are many factors, my brother and I came to a startling realization that I thought worthy of sharing. We believe that the lack of marriage in Christian circles comes from the widespread attack on manhood.

Today, “Christianity” advocates the taming of men. Spirituality for men is chalked up to a list of “don'ts”. Don't drink, don't cuss, don't smoke...etc. Society backs that up. Give us passive, hairless, manicured robots. Individuality is spurned; and the church goes a-long with it. Conformity is labeled “unity”. Anger, hatred, aggression are taboo. Sit in your pew and be nice men – that's spiritual.


And what has the religious circles made of romance? It too has become a list of “don'ts”. Don't touch, don't look, don't be friends. Women are not something to be won, wooed, pursued or conquered. They aren't a mystery or an adventure. You want to get to know her? You'd better be ready for a commitment for the rest of your life.


Am I advocating no boundaries? Absolutely not. Men without boundaries are men without respect or decorum. Boundaries are absolutely necessary, but outside of not touching a woman, God has given men very little instruction on how they are to treat womankind.


We know the world has it wrong, simply by looking at the hurt and grief and degradation they produce. Women aren't objects and we are meant to be used. So what is the appropriate response of men?

Just as the spiritual life is not suburbia, friendship with the opposite sex is a wild frontier. Unfortunately we've taken the soul out of every experience because we're afraid of “the flesh”. We can't be trusted, so we exterminate all we call wild and unpredictable. “Better safe than sorry” is the motto of conventional Christianity. But is that true? Are we better off safe than sorry? When it comes to living – that motto will bring a secure, cramped, narrow, predictable life. When it comes to relationships – that motto will either create a predictable, souless, cramped friendships, or it might just lead to an epidemic of unmarried people.

Now is marriage our ultimate goal? Should we strive for it? Is it our fulfillment? Our purpose? No. But marriage is good. Man was not meant to be alone. Women were created to be helpmeets. And as far as striving for it – there's a balance. I don't know think we need to go on a head hunt. BUT – I do think we need to realize that “waiting on the Lord” for our spouse does not mean we should wait for an audible voice from heaven and a blinking neon sign. But that's another topic for another time.

Every man is meant to take a quest. To fulfill a purpose. To dominate. Now, it's damaging to make woman the quest, because we cannot possibly fulfill that deep need. But we can be part of the adventure. We're meant to be.

Life is meant to be so much more than “getting your ducks in a row”. Men want to know who they are, what they're made of, and what they're meant to achieve. And the answer can't be found in living the stereotype. And it certainly won't be found in conforming to the box that religion tries to stuff men into. Men aren't meant to be “good boys”. Think about it! What boy grew up wanting to be “nice”? What girl grew up wanting to marry a passive Prince Charming? No – give us dragon slayers.

But look in the sanctuaries and you won't find many dragon slayers. You'll find tamed, bored, dutiful, nice guys. Domesticated, sanitized and suited. Apathetic. There's no battle to fight, let alone a damsel to rescue. You sit in your pew and “amen” your shepherd... sit; stay; good boy. Where are the warriors? Where are the fierce men? Where's the stonewall Jacksons? The solders from Iwo Jima? The King Arthur's? The heroes?

Men are embarrassed to act like men. But deep down they crave it. Look at the movies men watch. Braveheart. Saving Private Ryan. Gladiator. The church though has produced sluggards and the world has produced wolves. Why do you think porn is rampant? In every man there is a desire to appreciate beauty and to win it. But men are no longer required or expected to battle for the heart of woman. Porn is the safe and easy way.

In almost every story ever told there's a hero and his lady. A Juliet for every Romeo. Men desire to be a hero TO someone. FOR someone. And conveniently, we women yearn to be fought for. We want to be needed. We crave to be rescued. Cherished, pursued, won. It's a built-in nature for a reason. (Though the church may tell us we've fulfilled our lives by spending every ounce of energy in ministry, I guarantee you – there's more to womanhood than running Sunday school, volunteering for nursery and cleaning toilets.) We are meant to be part of man's adventure! We want to be beautiful. We want to reveal ourselves. We want to be lovely. Some of us were the stereotypical princess in lacy dress who paraded about the living room. Others shyly shared ourselves through writing.


My mom remembers as a little girl, being overwhelmed one holiday when many family members came and she sneaked away to some other room. And waited. She remembers thinking how it would be nice if someone missed her, and came looking for her. I think every girl has had one of these (if not many) moments where we realized we were waiting to be wanted. It's natural. We aren't meant to simply be “good girls” either. To be “good servants”. There IS a grand adventure. We are beautiful. We do have something to offer. We are worth fighting for. It's just that men have forgotten how to fight. They've been duped and told that the extent of their spirituality is Sunday pew sitting and nodding. That to be a man, they'd better get that number in the bank account, buy the car, get the steady job. Get life under control – that's the plan. A model Christian man is safe, sensitive, and certain. But to attain such perfection means forfeiting the soul. For God has made man in HIS own image. And God is dangerous, unpredictable, a King. God isn't safe. Certainly Christ is romantic and caring – but He is the Son of God. Men of old used to present themselves with their name followed by their fathers name. They were the son of “so-and-so”. There's power in knowing who you are. And there was power in being the son of a noble man. Christ is the Son of the highest authority. The King of kings. And so is every man of God. You are the Son of the Lion of Judah.

Christ is the heavenly Braveheart. He has led captivity captive and won freedom for mankind. And men are meant to be just like Him.

I've always laughed to myself when the men I know express the spontaneous desire to simply leave. They threaten to drop everything and explore the states for a year or two. Or maybe take off for the middle east. Join the military. They'll spend all day exploring a ridge of some mountain. Stake their lives on one business venture. They'll talk of absurd impossibilities. A “good time” involves risk, danger and absolute craziness. A challenge to the law of physics. I finally get it. It's a result of being a man. And it's good.

God risked everything when he gave us free-will. And love is one of our greatest opportunities to practice being Christ-like. Loving someone involves high risk. When a man pursues a woman he is offering his strength. He is saying – this is who I am, will you be part of my adventure? And when a woman loves – she is vulnerably exposing her tender heart and willingly sharing who she is. She is saying – this is who I am, here is all of me. This is partly why marriage is such a perfect image of God. God has risked all to offer Himself. God also wants to be loved. He wants to be chosen. He waits to be wanted. But He also pursues. He's also woos.

God gave man deserts, jungles, icelands and oceans to explore and conquer. And God also gave man, woman. Women are meant to be explored. Albeit, there must be boundaries. But morality and decorum does not look like ignoring woman. Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you can't be a friend to the opposite gender. Now what this looks like practically is left to personal convictions. And I'm not about to say being a friend to the opposite sex is easy or simple. But if men weren't scared of being men, their relationship with women might become more balanced.

The gospel needs men like you. We women need men like you. Life's a battle and an adventure – and we are willing to follow you into it, as sisters, as friends, and even, if God wills, as wives.

And it is not coincidence that the desires of man match the yearnings of woman. And yes, Adam and Eve failed – and we have too, as a whole and even individually – but we don't have to. Ladies, we do not have to give up our dream of a Knight in shining armor. They aren't fairy tales, their just rare. Simply because godly men are rare. We are meant to be cherished and fought for. Don't compromise.


And men – you're meant for greatness. You are meant to win and conquer. The world will sneer at you and the church may find your scandalous – but for your sakes, for our sakes – please be wild. Please be dangerous. Please unchain your minds. Please risk being men.

Yet Another Love Story

 Guest writer, Jana Lee Pattons shares her incredible love story with us.

Yet Another Love Story 

For many years I have been very content to be single. God has helped me in many ways through the times of my life and I trust perhaps He has used it to help others as well. At least that has always been my hope and prayer. I've had my struggles the same as anybody else, but for the most part God has given complete victory in the area of accepting singleness for my life and even rejoicing in it. Back when I was about 25 or so I remember a time where it was as if I woke up one morning and realised that I had little to no desire for marriage and I was excited about being single and serving God in whatever way He wanted to use me as a single woman. It was a revelation at the time and extremely liberating! While I've not always succeeded, I have tried to do just that and not let my singleness discourage me or others. My Heavenly Husband has been more than faithful to me through those years.

Well, around the beginning of September of last year it was as if all that reversed. I woke up one morning and realised that where before I was happy to be single, I suddenly had this urgent desire to be married. Weird. It was unsettling to say the least. I thought I had backslidden overnight! I grappled with it for a few days and then went and talked to Pastor about it. I was bemoaning the fact that I was in the middle of writing a book on the single life and here I was suddenly longing to be married and what if I DID get married?!?? It would ruin the book!!! (or so I thought :) Pastor encouraged me that I would still have credibility to write about singleness even if I did get married. I am, after all, 33 years old and have lived quite a long time in singleness and have learned some things by God's grace that I could still write about.

Up to this point I had been almost adamantly against being married. It was fine for other people, but I just wasn't interested and not really open to anyone approaching me that way. I felt that getting married might be more of a sacrifice than staying single. After I "woke up" however, I made up my mind that if someone did approach me that I would be open to building a relationship and seeing where it might lead.

Now I have to rewind the story to the beginning of this year. In January there was an evening where Pastor and all the young people got together and we talked about the subject of courtship and relationships between guys and girls. Pastor had often wondered why so few of us were getting married and from appearances it looked like we had pretty good relationships with each other because we all got along. Little did he know that since most of us were children there was a deep seated fear of getting too close to the opposite sex because we had been warned many times of the dangers of "giving away your heart" to the wrong person, or being perceived as a "flirt" because you talked to the opposite sex, therefore most of us avoided all that. It was safer and nobody would gossip about us. Those who did have friendships with boys/girls were talked about, looked down on, and many of them ended up leaving church. There were many reasons for them leaving, mostly because their hearts were not right with God, but part of it too was that they felt they could never be "good enough" to have a proper relationship with someone that would lead to marriage. Some of this might sound a little extreme or crazy, but it's really how we thought and felt--I was definitely one of the main ones who operated under this fearful mentality. It was several years ago that I recognized it in myself and set about trying to have healthy relationships with my Christian brothers, but it was very difficult to do so in my own church because of the fear that if I talked to a young man around my age people would start speculating that we were interested in marrying each other, when really, maybe we were just friends. All of my male relationships thus far have been either outside of my church, or with guys way younger than me and therefore "safe" to talk to because I could treat them like little brothers.

All of this changed in January. Pastor was grieved to learn that this is how we thought and had felt all these years. He had no idea. He asked, "What about spark?" And we said that we had turned the spark "off" because we thought it was bad and would lead to sin. What we realised is that although the motives behind modern courtship (instead of modern dating) were right it got a little carried away and produced the opposite effect of what was intended. A lot of fearful young adults afraid to talk to each other for fear of messing up their lives.

Anyway, that is just a little background.

Once we had this conversation and Pastor began speaking about some of it from the pulpit, all of a sudden there was liberty for the young ladies and men in the church to be "friends". To really get to know each other without fear that people were whispering about us or judging us for talking to each other. I enjoyed the liberty to get to know my brothers in Christ better and on a more personal level and it was very strengthening to the young people in our church who are the next generation of potential mothers and fathers of future generations if the Lord tarries. During this time my brother began spending more and more time with L.K. and they fell in love and are getting married in January. Others began spending more time together and only God knows what the future may hold for some of them.

Now for my story. There is a young man, "A", who is the same age as me and has been in my church since we were nine years old. We have never been friends and barely spoke to each other in all those years for the reasons I mentioned above. He is somewhat shy and introverted like I am and we just never got to know each other because neither of us would talk to the other. When he was around 20 or 21 he left our church and went and did his own thing in the world. Several others had left around the same time, mostly young men and it was a rather disheartening time for some of us who stayed to watch our own generation and, specifically, potential future spouses leaving God and the church behind. Some of them have still never come back. For seven years he was in the world and as I was prayer partner to his mother I would often pray for God to draw him back as she requested almost every week when we would meet to pray together. He had been saved as a child and while in the world God kept him from many things and much that he could have been doing but didn't. I fully believe that God will not give up on one of His own children and that they cannot truly enjoy sin the way that a lost person can. There were a couple of times while he was out of church where God used my family in his life. He had been invited over to a Christmas gathering along with his parents during the time that my dad was very sick and almost died. He saw him in that extreme condition. A few years later he came over again for Christmas Eve and Papa was well and he heard the story of what God did for my parents and our family and how Mom did so much research and stuck with it until Papa was well again. It was a testimony to "A" and the Lord spoke to him and basically told him that he would never find a wife like that in the world. Another comment was made by me that again, spoke to his heart. The Lord was drawing him and working in his heart to the point where, like the Prodigal Son, he "came to himself" and on January 7th (his birthday) he called Pastor and wanted to come back to church that very Sunday, January 9th, 2011. I'll never forget the night his mother called me and told me he was coming back. She was so happy and excited and I admit that I was completely stunned. Some people when they return to church after being away many years do so in stages, kind of here and there slowly, and it's hard to see if they're really back or not. It was different with "A". When he came back he got up in front of the whole church and repented. He wanted people to know that he was truly back for the right reasons. He also avoided being around the young ladies too much because he didn't want people to think that was why he came back because he didn't. It was for God that he came back. That was almost five years ago. Meanwhile, he has been growing in the Lord and "catching up" on the years that he missed.

At the beginning of this year, "A" and I started having conversations with each other. There was one long conversation at a party at my brother's house back in February that sort got it all started. We were talking about some books I'd read and that same week he listened to them on audio and then we had more to talk about in the weeks after. It was very comfortable and easy and the pressure of thinking "am I going to marry you?" was gone. Nobody (including ourselves) assumed that we were "courting", we could just be friends and it was wonderful! I was never interested in "A" and growing up he was probably the last person I would have thought of in that way, but the more I got to know him the more I started to like him. On September 12th we went out for coffee together and had a really good time. We were able to be really open with each other about a lot of important things. The following week we went on another date, this time we went walking together for two and a half hours and again talked about anything and everything.

It was around this time that I began to experience horrible fear. I had already decided that I would be open to a relationship if God brought it, but I had been through a painful breakup with someone I thought I loved about six years ago and the fear of that kind of pain happening if I opened my heart again was overwhelming. I knew the fear was irrational and God brought to my mind II Timothy 1:7, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I began praying for God to give me a sound mind and the power and love I needed in order to move forward by faith. I was able to be open with "A" about these fears and the way he responded to me instantly put those fears to rest. We began spending a lot more time together. The day before the October meeting he officially asked me if I would be his girlfriend and I said yes. We began entering a more serious "courtship" phase. During the October meetings and the following couple of weeks we saw each other every day except one. I had Thanksgiving dinner with him and his family on the Saturday and he spent Thanksgiving Monday with me and my family. So many things were falling into place and as we grew closer we both realised how much we have in common and looking back we could see the hand of God in our lives bringing us to this point. Another encouragement was how excited and encouraging our families and friends were and it gave us a lot of confidence to move forward in our relationship.

We had been writing letters back and forth during the October Meeting and after and it was a really wonderful way to be able to express some of the deep things of our hearts. We shared things from our past and our knowledge of each other and affection increased. A week after the October Meeting we spent a wonderful evening together and at the end of it "A" asked me to read a letter he had just finished writing. At the end of it he told me that he loves me and gave me his heart. I had known a little while before this time that I too love him and was able to tell him so that evening.

There are too many details to share it all, we both can look back over our lives and see the hand of God leading us up to this point. The ways in which He kept us or brought us to where we needed to be. He also kept me very blind to "A" all these years and only recently have I woken up and realised the kind of man he has become and that he is exactly the kind of man that I can trust with my heart and my life. 

~

Jana will be married at the end of this month.  She is a dear friend of mine and has been an encouragement to me.  I hope this sweet story also blessed you.

Related Posts:

A Love Story


A True Love Story 

Courtship -- when does he pursue?

Spiritual Lessons

Does a young man have to have a sign from God before pursuing a woman for marriage?

Recently I was asked this question. I was surprised that I had to give it some thought before answering. Is it imperative to have this answered? As women, not necessarily. But I am honestly intolerant with not having a conviction or an opinion on any given issue. :) If this isn't important to you, you can just skip this and wait for the next post by Nay. :)

I believe there are three stages involved in courtship. One: friendship. Two: courtship. Three: engagement.

But if God would tell a man “This is it! Marry her!” then why even have a courtship stage? Why not engagement? The real hang-up is the idea that God would tell a young man to pursue a specific young woman. Marriage is a serious issue and if God has a will concerning who we marry, wouldn't He let the guy know? If God told a young man to marry a certain girl, than why go through a stage “to get to know” someone if you already know you're meant for one another? It really wouldn't matter if you thought you were compatible or not because it's God's will.

But here's the thing – in most cases, for most people, God doesn't tell a young man to go and marry a certain girl. Not like that anyway. As in many real-life scenarios, God doesn't come down from heaven and audibly reveal anything – not what flavor of ice-cream we should get, not what job opportunity we should pursue, and not which “one” we should marry. Obviously there are exceptions. There are times He makes His will clear in the tiniest of details. There have been times where He has pointed in a very specific direction for me to take. At other times He didn't tell me to move forward or to wait. To take Path A or Path B. It seemed totally optional to do either one. Sometimes He parts the Red sea, and sometimes He wants us to actually step out into the Jordan before He makes things clear. In something as life changing as marriage I know He has a will. And I know He WILL make it clear eventually. In some relationship situations He made it super clear to both families and both young people right away. In other situations it took an 8 month courtship. God moves differently for different people. That's the novelty of courtship. There's no fixed formula. It adapts to each circumstance.

What we do know about courtship is this:

Friendship comes first. More than likely, you really cannot entirely know whether or not you'd marry someone just by being friends. Depending on the person and how long you've known them, friendship might reveal more or less of a person. I know I couple who didn't know each other well until they had courted a while. One couple grew up together and felt they knew each other through and through even before courtship. Another couple felt like entire strangers even up until engagement. Becoming friends is a really good way to know who you wouldn't marry, without any attachments or hurt feelings or broken relationships.

Courtship is second. No-one in their right mind would start courting unless they planned on marrying the person. It is like dating in the fact that you are in a relationship bigger than mere friendship, and you are getting to know the other person better. Some people choose to think of courtship as a “safe way to date”. It is a relationship where you're more than friends. And you are a “couple”.

But here's the two main differences in my definition of courtship –

1. It's a family-oriented relationship. The father's permission is normally required. Chaperons are involved. Rules are initiated by the families...etc.

2. There's a purpose beyond thrill, fun and excitement. The intention is honorable and looks beyond the present moment. Marriage is the ideal outcome. There's also commitment. You court one person, not one on Monday and someone else on Saturday. Courtship Defended Part 1

I used to assume a young man wouldn't pursue a young woman unless God told him to. Obviously I would hope a young man wouldn't nonchalantly just start a courtship without giving it much thought and prayer. I would personally want my man to actually like me for who I am, and believe that I would make a good spouse, and desire that I be his specific helpmeet, before ever pursuing to court me!

So courtship is simply a safe-gaurd to (depending on the couple) more or less investigate compatibility, but also to take precautionary measures to make sure the parents approve and that this is indeed God's will.

I think it is safe to conclude that in most circumstances God is not going to one day stop men in their tracks and say “Here she is.” God might not actually drop the decision in their lap. They actually might have to pursue His will.

Related Post:

I Love Him, I Love Him Not

Stuck Between Friendship and Matrimony

Spiritual Lessons

Stuck Between Friendship and Matrimony 

So he is a friend. At least, he started out as a friend. But now it's deeper than that. Or at least it feels that way. You really think he is the most amazing guy in the world, and you're ready to say “I do”.

But there's a slight problem: He hasn't asked. You're sure he enjoys you and you're not like other girl friends of his. There's something different about him and you, but nothing has been said. No pursuing has been initiated. Now what?

I know several young women in this situation. In one circumstance the couple have nothing standing in there way other than the guy simply hasn't asked. In another situation the young man has made an attempt to “get to know” the young woman, but they are just “friends” because marriage isn't really an option for her yet. How awkward is it to be stuck between friendship and marriage? Really awkward.

I just wanted to take the time to write a short post of encouragement to you if this speaks of your circumstance.

Firstly, you have no reason to feel ashamed of how you feel. Ignoring and denying your emotions won't help; neither does feeling guilty about them. They are genuine emotions – accept that.

But with no commitment established you have no ties, no obligations and no entitlements to this man. He isn't yours and you aren't his. He is God's child. You're job is to allow God to guard your heart and to simply treat him as a friend and sister in Christ, just like you have been. You have no idea where this young man is at. Perhaps God has asked him to wait? Maybe his parents have asked him to wait? Maybe he is securing the means to get married? Your impatience will help no-one. You are expected to remain faithful in what God has set before you. And as long as He hasn't asked you to pursue a mate, you can rest assured He is working in your behalf. If it's any consolation, God moves far more quickly with patient surrendered children, than rash self-willed ones.

I've met several young women who have based their self-worth on how many young men have asked to start a relationship with them. For some women they have a lot to boost their ego. For others this is disastrous blow to their perceived worth. I want to encourage you that God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11). He is a master at the art of orchestrating your life. You are worth the shedding of His only begotten son. That means you're priceless.

If the guy of your dreams isn't moving forward, that may be a good sign that you aren't meant to be married yet. It has no bearing on your worth and it has no indication of your capability to be a wife.

Diligently set your heart before your Creator. He knows. He understands. He is able to keep your heart and He will guide you. Moving beyond friendship with a young man is a serious thing. It can either be beautiful because it's in His time, or it can be the worse mistake you'll ever make in your life. Trust the godly authorities He has placed in your life. Run to the One who knows you best.

Marriage is a gift, not a goal. You haven't failed just because you're in your mid twenties (or older) and you haven't “achieved” marriage status. Has it ever occurred to you that your singleness is a gift? That He expects you to use your singleness to give Him glory and to serve Him and His kingdom with? Have you been faithful in your singleness?

Life is a shining adventure. There's no better way to squelch your joy and miss opportunities, than to wait for life to begin at marriage. Obviously if He has set before you marriage as an open door, take it courageously and confidently. But if you're stuck between friendship and matrimony, be encouraged that your part is to simply obey God and charitably treat this young man as a sister in Christ. If you really love him, you will not seek and pursue in impatience. You will not vaunt yourself and make yourself obviously available. You will not hold your breath with little longsuffering. You aren't waiting on him – you're waiting on Him. In fact, love would wish the best for who it loves, even if this means, in the end, your desires aren't granted.

You're not stuck. You're just in an amazing journey. Embrace it! He will guide you.

Purity of Heart

Spiritual Lessons

Please be advised, some of the information shared in this post may not be appropriate for all ages. 

Purity of Heart

Over the past months, I had the opportunity of attending two  weddings. Both were beautiful in their own way. Both of which were 'Christians'. Both of these brides wore beautiful white dresses. And neither of these couples had compromised their purity in a physical act of sexuality. But, one of these couples stood out far above the other in radiant purity. And I'd like to tell you why. I'd like to hopefully explain in words- what I was able to see. 

Purity is more than the physical act of sexual contact. It is more than giving away your first kiss. It is even more than holding a guys hand or staring into his eyes. Purity begins in our hearts. It sounds so simple, but it really is true. Purity is a heart issue, not necessarily just a physical issue. In one of the training classes I've been taking recently for a Crisis Pregnancy Center, which includes Christian counseling, I had to take a class on "healthy sexuality". And without going into much of the details, I was amazed and shocked by one of things I read. 

"The brain has been called the largest sex organ in the body because sexual excitement is centered in the brain and begins in the brain even before the body is physically aroused." 

I honestly did not know that the brain was quite so involved. This should tell us something about the importance of our thought life. Of how incredibly important it is where we keep our minds and our thoughts, and our imaginations. Of where we allow them to go and what we choose to dwell on. Just as right thoughts can be nourished in our minds towards holiness and purity and godliness, so can wrong thoughts be nourished to our own destruction, and impurity, and disobedience. 

Our thoughts are incredibly important and it certainly matters where our minds wander. The Lord cares about our thoughts. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:" Where we allow our thoughts to dwell, says something about us. I am not talking, however, about the thoughts that suddenly come into our minds that were completely out of our control. The enemy will often attack us in our minds. But it is the thoughts that we nourish and keep and do not give over to Christ, that we are responsible for.

The battle for purity begins in our minds long before the actual physical temptation arrives. If you'll freely give away your purity by feeding evil thoughts and imaginations, you will just as easily give that same purity away by your physical actions. Don't fool yourself by saying that a habit of giving into wicked imaginations will not effect your ability to shut the door when physical temptation actually comes knocking. The thoughts we nurture, are the same thoughts we will eventually act on. 

II Corinthians 10:5 says, "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;"

"That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness." (Ephesians 4:22-24)

We are told to "Cast down imaginations", and to be "renewed in the spirit of your mind". Sometimes this means, choosing not to think on something that seems enjoyable, or even, innocent. To cast down. To push away. To give up. To turn our imaginations over to Christ. To allow the thoughts in our minds to be so, that we are comfortable with Him joining us. And Christ gives us His standard. 

" Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." (Philippians 4:8)

So...back to those two weddings. One was the wedding of a dear friend of mine. She, the bride, looked beautiful in her modest white dress and her long hair pinned back so eloquently. Her smile was pretty much contagious and I've never seen someone "glow" quite like she did. But it was even more than that. She was a pure bride, in the very meaning of the word. Christ shined through her and He was evident, not only in her life, but even in her eyes. This coupled courted. They kept close accountability. And they waited until their wedding day to share their first kiss. It was precious and very sweet. And I respect them both for it. 

The other wedding, honestly, kind of made me sad. Christ was not so evidently seen. This couple did not have accountability in the same way. They also did not save their first kiss. And while they were still pure in an actual physical sense, it was obvious that they were quite familiar and comfortable with kissing and touching and caressing each other already. There just wasn't the same level of purity. And it felt like a cheap substitute for what a Christian wedding is supposed to be, what it is supposed to portray, which is Christ.

So... purity. It begins in our hearts. It is cultivated and protected through our minds. It is revealed by our desires. Are our desires pure? 

Proverbs 11:23 says, "The desire of the righteous is only good:" 

And Proverbs 18:1 says, "Through desire a man, having separated himself, seeketh and intermeddleth with all wisdom."

"Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." (Psalms 73:25-26)

Purity is Christ in us. Purity is allowing the desire of Christ's righteousness and holiness to penetrate every area of our lives and every area of our emotional, mental, and physical person. And purity is possible, in the highest, most God honoring, and beautiful meaning of the word.

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:7)

Biblical Womanhood Part II

spiritual lessons

Biblical Womanhood

Part II

I promised a second post on Biblical Womanhood. In it I wanted to address the last two subjects: What guy and girl relationships should look like, and physical touch.  

(Click here to read Biblical Womanhood Part I)

A Standard of Purity

While recently talking to a young woman I was asked why I wouldn't hug young men and why I wouldn't become a close friend with a guy. She mentioned that physical touch is actually a health benefit.  She also wondered at how I could consider myself friends with guys and yet not be willing to spend one on one with them or treat them like any of my girl friends.  

This is my answer. And as Christian young woman you too need to have an answer. 

 Every person has a boundary. A line in the sand. For many Christians they draw it at marital relations. Most Christian woman, that I know, wouldn't have sex outside of marriage. Why? This is their standard of purity. You too have a standard of purity...but do you know why you stand there? Do you know why you draw the line there? If you don't know why, you most likely will not be able to remain standing when you are challenged or tempted.

I desire that my standard of purity be based off of God's standard of purity. Ephesians 5:22-27 describes this for us. Marriage between a man and woman represent the church's marriage with Christ. We are His bride. And His standard for his bride is that we be holy and blameless, having no spot or wrinkle.

Christ said to men that “Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:28) God demands purity of heart and mind. Our hearts, just like our bodies are to be saved for one person.

Physical relationships with a man before marriage obviously does not fit God's standard of purity. But why not hugs? Why not close one on one friendships?

With a little research you can find plenty of scientific reasons on health benefits for physical touch. Giving hugs supposedly lowers blood pressure, relieves stress, boosts oxytocin which benefits the heart and more.(http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/02/06/hugging.aspx)

I believe it, and don't condemn hugging. I hug my mom and dad and sisters and brothers and girlfriends often. I also realize that we young women are hard-wired with a need to be held and cherished and protected and wanted and touched. It's God-given and it's natural and it's good. We just need to be careful where we find fulfillment in this. My family definitely helps with this need. They love me and cherish me and protect me. But I usually find I need more. And I turn to Jesus who loves to hold and cherish and protect. But I do not hug young men because of God's standard on purity.

Read my post on Compromise.

God tells us to keep our hearts. That would infer that our hearts can be given away. Proverbs 4:23 It also states we are to do this with diligence. This infers that it is imperative, and in need of active vigilance.

This is a difficult task but with Jesus who is our strength and with our God-given authorities He has made it possible. Read my post on Temptation.

The Bible makes it clear that He knew us while we were yet being formed. That He holds an expected end in mind for us. That He knows our future and has a will for it. (See Psalm 139; Jeremiah 29:11 and Ephesians 2:10 for a few examples).

Knowing this, I don't think it's too far of a stretch to say that He knows and has planned a best for us. That He knows our man and is molding him into the perfect spouse for us. I believe He has a plan for our future children. I don't have it all figured out, it's still a mystery as to exactly how God brings husbands and wives together, but I firmly believe that we are created to be one man's helpmeet and should use serious guarded caution about the men we get close to.  Read my post on Heart Strings.

Not only in physical contact but in actions! We should behave as if our husbands were in the room watching us. We are sisters in Christ to every young man that is a believer and that is the extent to which we should act. As sisters with all purity. (1 Timothy 5:2).

“But test-driving someone romantically, whether for kicks, for science, or for strategy, is not how we keep romance in the context of marriage, where it belongs. We can invent a thousand excuses, but at the end of the day, we don’t do it because it’s wise. We don’t do it because it’s loving. We don’t do it because we’re pursuing purity. We do it because it’s just so much fun.”

 (Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin in It's Not that Complcated)

Saving our first kiss, our first hug...our first holding a guy's hand, for our future spouse is a beautiful thing. I have talked to many couples who followed this standard and they have no regrets. In fact, they encourage every single person they know to do the same.

Physical touch with a man is intimate and stirs the emotions. Intimacy and emotions that will easily lead you to compromising your purity. Physical contact (cuddling, caressing, hugging, holding hands...) actually awakens emotions and thoughts that aren't evil in and of themselves, but are inappropriate outside of marriage. I'm not the only one that thinks this! I have spoken to young women and young men on this topic. And believe me, it's not only “perverts” who think this way. This is a natural response.

But this aside, it goes beyond what is beautiful, or preference or what others have said. This is an issue on what God thinks, what He asks of us, what He expects. The Bible gives us many clear commands. We are to guard our hearts, love selflessly, thinking on that which is pure and true. Not to covet or lust. To be temperate. To take every thought captive.

Can we obey Him in this while being intimate with a guy outside of marraige? I don't think so.

So is it Wrong to Date?

In a recent conversation, a young woman told me she was curious how I could believe that without dating, and living in the middle of nowhere, in a small social sphere, I was ever going to get married. She really doubted a guy was going to fall out of heaven on my doorstep.

Well, she's right. A guy, most likely, isn't going to fall out of heaven on my doorstep and marry me. But I know I will marry someday, and that I don't need to date in order to do so. What she was really asking is “How are you going to get to know someone?”.  Read my post on "The One".

That's actually a really good question.

Firstly, I know plenty of people. Hundreds. Though I do live in a tiny town and my social spheres are limited to church, our friends from a like minded church in Canada, and work; I'm really not concerned. God doesn't really need my help. I don't need to go looking for eligible men. In fact, I know that I am to be faithful with what He has already given me and called me to do. He will do the rest.    Read my post What to do as a Single?

I am acquainted with dozens of guys, nice and not so nice ones, whom I'm sure I won't ever marry. And you know what? I didn't have to date them to find out. It is quite easy getting to know someone without dating them.  Read my post "Holding out for a Fairy Tale"

Joshua Harris wrote an excellent book called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”. In it his gives 7 reasons on the negativity of the Dating system.

#1 Dating leads to intimacy, not necessarily to commitment.

#2 Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of relationship.

#3 Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.

#4 Dating often isolates us from other vital relationships.

#5 Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of of preparing for their future.

#6 Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness.

#7 Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character.

Through what I have read and what I have seen in other's lives, and what many people have shared with me from their own personal experience, I have come to the conclusion that dating is not only less than the ideal, but actually detrimental. And thankfully, God's word describes something better than dating. We do have a practical healthy alternative. My family has labeled this “courtship”. For more detail on this please read my post on Courtship Defended.

What then does godly guy-girl relationships look like?

I want all my readers to know that I think it's okay to be friends with a guy. I actually have a few guy friends. In fact, my brothers and I are always going on adventures with our friends (guy and girl). One particular young man we seem to do everything with.  I consider myself to be his friend. We sincerely enjoy each other's company, share ideas, have some similar interests, will joke and do things together. But always in a group setting.

I respect him and love him as a brother.  And I know he respects me and loves me as his sister.  I know this because of how he treats me.  We can have fun and participate together in many of the same activities and pray for one another and encourage each other and laugh together but we have never spent one on one with each other.  And this is because we respect each other's purity.  We never would want to cause the other to stumble or be tempted.  We would never think of hugging each other for this very reason.  And yet we are good friends.  There  is nothing formal or stiff about our friendship.  It is simple, healthy, pure, comfortable and clean.  It is possible to have guys as friends without any physical touch involved.  In fact, staying clear of all emotional or physical intimacy gives us the ability to be friends without any awkwardness.  (I also want to add that it's true that men need hugs too, but not from us single women!  We are not gypping men of the physical benefit from hugging by keeping ourselves pure.  As in my example with my friend, he hugs his sisters, he does not need his girl friends to do that for him!).

I can safely have one on one time with girlfriends because there is no risk of temptation. To share your heart one on one is personal, intimate and bonding. We have no reason to bond to a young man unless they are our young men. And unless they are our brothers, father, grandfather (immediate family) or our man with our ring on his finger they aren't ours. Period.

Believe me, I know the battle to keep a pure heart. Especially in this day and age of impurity and with reaching the “old maid status” (past 18 years old!). I also know what it's like to find men fascinating, attractive and loveable. We are hard-wired that way. It's okay. This is a black and white issue, but I am not trying to come across without compassion or “preachy”. I know your struggles. I'm human....and a female on top of that. I get it. Ever since I was a little girl I have loved boys. I loved playing with them and found it easy to communicate and spend time with them. But we must remember God's standard of purity. We must remember to love our brothers.

We can love our brothers in Christ. Love doesn't lust and pine away and flaunt itself. It doesn't envy. It does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own...thinks no evil. (1 Corinthians 13). The young men God has put into our lives aren't to be seen as opportunities or potentials or sources of fulfillment. Nor do they have to be sources of heartache. Setting boundaries on our feelings and obeying His standard for purity will save us these problems. The kingdom of God is lacking godly zealous leaders. Christ-like men are rare. What men has God placed in your life? It's not an accident. We can encourage them to greatness and manliness by being godly pure women.                       

How do we treat young men we admire?

It isn't wrong to admire and respect a young man, and even realize we would like to marry a man like him someday. Where we need to be careful is in these areas:

Our will. If God has designed our future and has a plan for us we must embrace His will for us. No young man should be more important that this.

Our claims. We cannot claim any young man as ours unless we are married to him. Being possessive or jealous of a man is selfish and unhealthy. If we start to feel this way we know we need to get our heart right and ask God for a godly attitude for this guy. We have no guarantee that this man is ours and cannot put any stake in emotions.

What we can do towards men we admire:

We can pray for him and his future wife. We can treat him as a sister in Christ. We can trust that God knows what He is doing and wait for Him to guide our future and the young man's future. Focus on what God has given us to faithfully prepare for and ask God to make us worthy, “above rubies” for the man we pray God will give us. Not treating our admiration as a secret or as God-given inspiration/intuition. For one, telling our parents, or a mature trusted friend, will hold our thoughts accountable and take away the “butterflies” and immature “crush” symptoms. Two, our emotions really can't be trusted. They are strong, they are real, they aren't all evil...but they aren't always correct. They can lead us astray.

What about guys that we don't really like and bother us and try to get our phone number or corner us at functions or try to flirt with us? 

Something I want to point out is that most young men initiate these kinds of things, but they then wait to see how the woman responds. YOU set the tone of interaction. This isn't necessarily true for all situations but it's something that is often ignored. If you pretend to enjoy his attentions, if you are too bashful and remain neutral, if you won't establish boundaries, these kind of men will test you and push you out of your comfort zone (intentionally or not).

Parents are great helpers for advice and Dads are our protectors. But often you don't even need to get your Dad involved if you would do the guy the favor of not being an enabler.

You don't have to endure creepy questions, or inappropriate behavior or crude jokes or give your number or accept dates or be be friendly to these guys. This kind of thing will happen to you so you might as well realize that you can politely let them know you aren't interested.  Please read my post on Defending Yourself.

As a Christian we act like Christ, and Christ was bold though without sin. We can do the same thing. We don't have to be haughty or self-righteous. But we also don't have to allow anyone to push us into anything uncomfortable. In love you can simply state, "I'm sorry I don't give out my information". Or, "I'm sorry I'm not interested".

I know a man that follows young woman around and tries to talk to them at church functions. He is a wife hunter. This kind of man can make any girl feel like prey. (If there is a predator, make sure to tell your authorities and brothers. They can take care of this for you). But if he is simply over board in his wife hunting methods you must be bold. If he is talking to you there is nothing wrong with having a short polite discussion and then excusing yourself. He isn't going to eat you. Don't treat him like a monster. Don't make fun of him by snickering to your girlfriends about him either. Some of these men are just lonely. But if he is pushing boundaries you may have to say something. It's okay to let a person know when you are uncomfortable. Most bold people who push can take it. Plus if there are other young men that hear you state your boundaries they can then easily defend you. My brothers have told me this several times. When a young woman says “Please don't, this makes me feel uncomfortable” they then have something to go off of and can easily intercede if the man continues. My brothers then tell the man, “Excuse me, but this young lady just asked you not to do this...”

Remember, your Dad has no problem protecting you. He's that secret weapon you can pull out if you can't handle it. :) Yet, most men get the hint if you do not respond to their flirtatious actions and simply treat them like every other young man. It's not our responsibility to make them feel good or welcomed or anything. We are to guard our hearts.

But what if I have already compromised my purity?

All of us have compromised our purity to some level. In this filthy world we all have been attacked mentally, emotionally if not physically in an impure way.

No matter how far you have fallen, or how how compromised your purity has become there is a hope. And it doesn't matter if your purity has been stained by your own choice of against your will. We all have the same hope offered to us.

The Savior, Jesus Christ offers us forgiveness and cleansing and healing. He is our hope. The same offering he gave to the woman caught in adultery, is the same hope he extends to us.

He already knows our need. We don't have to try to become clean before coming to Him because He knows (better than we do) how vain our own cleansing is. Some of us struggle to forgive ourselves. That's okay, because our forgiveness isn't what will heal us. It's His forgiveness. If we can accept His forgiveness we later will be able to forgive ourselves and others.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14

It's never too late to repent of our impure actions and do what is right. Let Him take your thoughts captive. Think on pure things (Phil. 4:8). Don't put yourself in tempting situations (ie: one one one with a guy!).

Jesus knows how to keep your heart and also purify it. Sometimes this isn't easy. Sometimes it requires a lonely stand. Sometimes He allows fire to “try” us and burn off our dross. But it's worth it!

No man owns your heart. As a Christian you know that Jesus does. No matter how many shreds of your heart you have given out, Jesus can make you whole. Of course there are always consequences to our actions. Of course we most likely will have scars. But when Jesus forgives He does it all the way.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” (Ps. 51:10)

If you don't have a dad that protects you. If you naturally are emotionally impulsive and give your heart away to every eligible guy; if you are vulnerable to romantic thoughts, if you have regrets, if an impure past haunts you – God still mercifully offers His forgiveness and love and healing and atonement.

He knows your hurt. He knows your anxieties. He hears your cries and prayers. He will forgive you. He will keep you. He makes purity possible.

Philippians 4:6-7

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

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Biblical Womanhood Part I