Why You're Unmarried

Spiritual Lessons

Why You're Unmarried

Recently on a roadtrip to Portland, my siblings and I chanced upon a Christian program where the speaker and his wife were addressing the epidemic of unmarried youth. They blamed the selfishness of the modern generation. And while I agree that my generation is certainly selfish, I think the root stems from something much more complex and deeper.

Every unmarried Christian young woman I know desires marriage. In fact, most Christian young woman I know desired marriage and motherhood since they were five years old. For most of us it was one of our biggest aspirations. Something we played at as children, and something we dreamed of as adults.


So why so many unmarried today?


While there are many factors, my brother and I came to a startling realization that I thought worthy of sharing. We believe that the lack of marriage in Christian circles comes from the widespread attack on manhood.

Today, “Christianity” advocates the taming of men. Spirituality for men is chalked up to a list of “don'ts”. Don't drink, don't cuss, don't smoke...etc. Society backs that up. Give us passive, hairless, manicured robots. Individuality is spurned; and the church goes a-long with it. Conformity is labeled “unity”. Anger, hatred, aggression are taboo. Sit in your pew and be nice men – that's spiritual.


And what has the religious circles made of romance? It too has become a list of “don'ts”. Don't touch, don't look, don't be friends. Women are not something to be won, wooed, pursued or conquered. They aren't a mystery or an adventure. You want to get to know her? You'd better be ready for a commitment for the rest of your life.


Am I advocating no boundaries? Absolutely not. Men without boundaries are men without respect or decorum. Boundaries are absolutely necessary, but outside of not touching a woman, God has given men very little instruction on how they are to treat womankind.


We know the world has it wrong, simply by looking at the hurt and grief and degradation they produce. Women aren't objects and we are meant to be used. So what is the appropriate response of men?

Just as the spiritual life is not suburbia, friendship with the opposite sex is a wild frontier. Unfortunately we've taken the soul out of every experience because we're afraid of “the flesh”. We can't be trusted, so we exterminate all we call wild and unpredictable. “Better safe than sorry” is the motto of conventional Christianity. But is that true? Are we better off safe than sorry? When it comes to living – that motto will bring a secure, cramped, narrow, predictable life. When it comes to relationships – that motto will either create a predictable, souless, cramped friendships, or it might just lead to an epidemic of unmarried people.

Now is marriage our ultimate goal? Should we strive for it? Is it our fulfillment? Our purpose? No. But marriage is good. Man was not meant to be alone. Women were created to be helpmeets. And as far as striving for it – there's a balance. I don't know think we need to go on a head hunt. BUT – I do think we need to realize that “waiting on the Lord” for our spouse does not mean we should wait for an audible voice from heaven and a blinking neon sign. But that's another topic for another time.

Every man is meant to take a quest. To fulfill a purpose. To dominate. Now, it's damaging to make woman the quest, because we cannot possibly fulfill that deep need. But we can be part of the adventure. We're meant to be.

Life is meant to be so much more than “getting your ducks in a row”. Men want to know who they are, what they're made of, and what they're meant to achieve. And the answer can't be found in living the stereotype. And it certainly won't be found in conforming to the box that religion tries to stuff men into. Men aren't meant to be “good boys”. Think about it! What boy grew up wanting to be “nice”? What girl grew up wanting to marry a passive Prince Charming? No – give us dragon slayers.

But look in the sanctuaries and you won't find many dragon slayers. You'll find tamed, bored, dutiful, nice guys. Domesticated, sanitized and suited. Apathetic. There's no battle to fight, let alone a damsel to rescue. You sit in your pew and “amen” your shepherd... sit; stay; good boy. Where are the warriors? Where are the fierce men? Where's the stonewall Jacksons? The solders from Iwo Jima? The King Arthur's? The heroes?

Men are embarrassed to act like men. But deep down they crave it. Look at the movies men watch. Braveheart. Saving Private Ryan. Gladiator. The church though has produced sluggards and the world has produced wolves. Why do you think porn is rampant? In every man there is a desire to appreciate beauty and to win it. But men are no longer required or expected to battle for the heart of woman. Porn is the safe and easy way.

In almost every story ever told there's a hero and his lady. A Juliet for every Romeo. Men desire to be a hero TO someone. FOR someone. And conveniently, we women yearn to be fought for. We want to be needed. We crave to be rescued. Cherished, pursued, won. It's a built-in nature for a reason. (Though the church may tell us we've fulfilled our lives by spending every ounce of energy in ministry, I guarantee you – there's more to womanhood than running Sunday school, volunteering for nursery and cleaning toilets.) We are meant to be part of man's adventure! We want to be beautiful. We want to reveal ourselves. We want to be lovely. Some of us were the stereotypical princess in lacy dress who paraded about the living room. Others shyly shared ourselves through writing.


My mom remembers as a little girl, being overwhelmed one holiday when many family members came and she sneaked away to some other room. And waited. She remembers thinking how it would be nice if someone missed her, and came looking for her. I think every girl has had one of these (if not many) moments where we realized we were waiting to be wanted. It's natural. We aren't meant to simply be “good girls” either. To be “good servants”. There IS a grand adventure. We are beautiful. We do have something to offer. We are worth fighting for. It's just that men have forgotten how to fight. They've been duped and told that the extent of their spirituality is Sunday pew sitting and nodding. That to be a man, they'd better get that number in the bank account, buy the car, get the steady job. Get life under control – that's the plan. A model Christian man is safe, sensitive, and certain. But to attain such perfection means forfeiting the soul. For God has made man in HIS own image. And God is dangerous, unpredictable, a King. God isn't safe. Certainly Christ is romantic and caring – but He is the Son of God. Men of old used to present themselves with their name followed by their fathers name. They were the son of “so-and-so”. There's power in knowing who you are. And there was power in being the son of a noble man. Christ is the Son of the highest authority. The King of kings. And so is every man of God. You are the Son of the Lion of Judah.

Christ is the heavenly Braveheart. He has led captivity captive and won freedom for mankind. And men are meant to be just like Him.

I've always laughed to myself when the men I know express the spontaneous desire to simply leave. They threaten to drop everything and explore the states for a year or two. Or maybe take off for the middle east. Join the military. They'll spend all day exploring a ridge of some mountain. Stake their lives on one business venture. They'll talk of absurd impossibilities. A “good time” involves risk, danger and absolute craziness. A challenge to the law of physics. I finally get it. It's a result of being a man. And it's good.

God risked everything when he gave us free-will. And love is one of our greatest opportunities to practice being Christ-like. Loving someone involves high risk. When a man pursues a woman he is offering his strength. He is saying – this is who I am, will you be part of my adventure? And when a woman loves – she is vulnerably exposing her tender heart and willingly sharing who she is. She is saying – this is who I am, here is all of me. This is partly why marriage is such a perfect image of God. God has risked all to offer Himself. God also wants to be loved. He wants to be chosen. He waits to be wanted. But He also pursues. He's also woos.

God gave man deserts, jungles, icelands and oceans to explore and conquer. And God also gave man, woman. Women are meant to be explored. Albeit, there must be boundaries. But morality and decorum does not look like ignoring woman. Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you can't be a friend to the opposite gender. Now what this looks like practically is left to personal convictions. And I'm not about to say being a friend to the opposite sex is easy or simple. But if men weren't scared of being men, their relationship with women might become more balanced.

The gospel needs men like you. We women need men like you. Life's a battle and an adventure – and we are willing to follow you into it, as sisters, as friends, and even, if God wills, as wives.

And it is not coincidence that the desires of man match the yearnings of woman. And yes, Adam and Eve failed – and we have too, as a whole and even individually – but we don't have to. Ladies, we do not have to give up our dream of a Knight in shining armor. They aren't fairy tales, their just rare. Simply because godly men are rare. We are meant to be cherished and fought for. Don't compromise.


And men – you're meant for greatness. You are meant to win and conquer. The world will sneer at you and the church may find your scandalous – but for your sakes, for our sakes – please be wild. Please be dangerous. Please unchain your minds. Please risk being men.

Guys and Girls

Spiritual Lessons

Girls and Guys 

 "Is it alright to text guys?"

"What do you think about holding hands during courtship?"

"Can I be a guy's friend?"

"What does submission really look like in this circumstance?"


Thankfully I'm not doing a post to answer these questions.  In fact I think these questions have to be answered on an individual basis.  The older I get the more gray areas I realize there truly are.

But what I do intend to share in this post is what I've been learning on what men and women are meant to be to each other...and what they are not.

Men can be our best friend, our protectors, providers, leaders, supporters. But they are not meant to be our source of strength, confidence, self-worth – or even our source of love.

Likewise, we aren't meant to be men's affirmation. We cannot “make” a man. We are not his source of masculinity – we were never created to be. We aren't supposed to be the “center of his universe”. We can be their best friend, an inspiration, supporters, co-laborers, followers – but we cannot be their mission any more than then can be our emotional security.

We ask men to be God when we rely on them as the validation of our worth. And we present a stumbling block to manhood when we offer ourselves as the answer to a man's quest. Men need a vision, a purpose, an answer to who they are. And only God can supply them with that.

This isn't to say that our beauty isn't to be appreciated and we have nothing to offer. And I'm not saying we have to shy away from what men have to offer us. We just have to be diligent not to depend on these things as our validation. And why not? Because people fail. Because we could hurt them. And because our true source is God. We set ourselves to fall hard when we rely on men to be our everything.

Jesus is meant to be our knight in shining armor. He is our pursuer. He gives us our worth. He no longer sees a deceitfully wicked heart – as a child of God He sees you how you're meant to be. He sees who He created. He is captivated by you. Don't believe me? Go and ask Him yourself. Ask Him to show you – you'll be blown away. He is the source of your confidence. His love inspires femininity in our hearts.

Men can make the mistake of turning to us. We emanate God's mercy and comfort as women. Men have wounds just as deep as ours, and they too need to be shown forgiveness and assurance. But we'd be liars if we said we were meant to be this for men. We know better. This isn't to say we should cut off being merciful and comforting. I'm simply saying we shouldn't advocate ourselves as being our men's sources of these things. Whether they be our husbands, fathers, brothers, or our friends. Men search for beauty, for ecstasy, a goal – and if we play damsel in distress we can be a tempting trade-off for what God actually intended. God is the only one that can truly fulfill these needs.

Here comes yet another disclaimer: We are worth winning. God gave us the nature to meet needs, to encourage and inspire with our beauty. We are meant to be captivating. And we are meant to be wooed and pursued. It's good that men strive to be warriors. They are meant to be protectors and pursuers. And men and women can meet each others' needs on a certain level. We're meant to! Women were created to be helpmeets. Men were created to be leaders.

What I've seen though, is a tendency to twist this duty into something beyond that. We kind-of take God out of the equation. Especially when it comes to falling in love with someone. And this is where we will certainly fail, disappoint and grieve one another.


But when God is the wellspring that we turn to for all our needs, suddenly we can have a healthy relationship with the opposite gender.

Men can be confident in their manhood, pursue us and invite us to share their journey – instead of expecting us to be it. (We won't have to worry about being a short-lived disappointing journey! We'll get to be part of something much bigger than ourselves.).

And we women can be confident in our womanhood. Secure in Someone who never changes. And suddenly we legitimately have something to offer that stems from an everlasting Vine. We are neither the needy woman who sucks life out of men with our high expectations, or the cold unfeeling woman who has determined never to hurt again.



Like always – God is the answer. 

Captivating

Spiritual Lessons

Captivating

I was recently asked what my greatest fear is.

I had to think for a moment; and there it was, burning ashamedly in my heart. I fear being inept.

Is that a strange fear? I'm not sure. But it's mine. At work, at the ski resort, in my relationships, in school, or even when I walk into a room – that is my fear. I'm not smart enough, I can't master that skill, I'm not faithful enough, I can't figure it out, I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough: I can't. I'm inept. Incapable. Incompetent.

It occurred to me recently that my fear isn't necessarily grounded on past experience; I've always had it. And this led me to wonder if this fear isn't embedded into the heart of every human being in some shape or form.

I could be totally off. But I watch my own siblings, or other children and it seems confirmed. Little boys want to be men, and more importantly they want to prove that they are men. They want to be enough – to have what it takes.

And little girls. Whether we wanted to be Cinderella or Joan of Arc, we yearned to be beautiful and brave. At four we waltzed into the room in our pretty dress and mom's high heels. As young women we dream of someday being captivating to one young man. As middle-aged women we hope to be good wives and mothers. And someday Grandmas. Beautiful, strong, needed, appreciated. And most importantly, we want to be beautiful and strong enough FOR someone. Needed and appreciated BY someone.

One of the hardest pills of reality to swallow for a girl is that she really isn't that beautiful. Who wants to admit that they are mediocre in their looks? Those who are model-worthy are kept straining away to maintain perfection. To prove our worth by how we look.

Those of us not given incredible beauty (and that's a lot of us) strain at what we do feel we have a shot at. Our intelligence. We will give our all in studies and academically accomplish all we felt we failed to do in cosmetics. Or in our strength. We will have a sport that we give 100% to so we might prove we're enough in the area we know we can win. We become the best at something so we can ignore the fact we're inept in another area. Yet outside our safe arena those fears haunt us.


I wanted to encourage you.


Ladies – I get it. I understand the fear and wounds in your heart. Here's the encouragement:

Your worth has nothing to do with how you look or what you can achieve. So go ahead and do yourself a favor and stop comparing yourself. We don't have to work our way into being captivating. We don't have to wait for a beau in order to find worth or to be special to someone, or to be charming.

I am 100% certain being a spouse will be wonderful. I know it will be lovely to have a man singularly delight in me. We want to walk into the room and be noticed and appreciated. We want someone to appreciate spending quality time with us. Someone who enjoys our presence. Someone who remembers our idiosyncrasies; laughs when we laugh, cries when we hurt. Someone who enjoys giving instead of only taking. Someone to rescue us when we are in need. Someone who thinks about us. Someone who needs us. Someone to share an adventure with.

It's really no wonder why we dream of someday “falling in love”. Because it's the perfect scenario for all our deepest desires to be potentially fulfilled.

Recently I wondered how a single girl, such as myself, could find fulfillment without being in a relationship with a guy. I mean, are we supposed to be left desiring and yearning until that magical day? What if we never marry? Or what if “he” doesn't ask me until I'm 35? Am I to be kept incomplete? Am I supposed to have this gaping hole? Are my desires really just my “flesh” – something I should deny and ignore?

I don't think God left us desperate until our wedding day. I have begun to see little ways in which He planned on meeting my desires. Not because I deserve them, but simply because he delights in me. Jesus delights in me. I come before Him and he is excited to share and fellowship. He notices when I am hurt. He cares. He enjoys my presence. He knows everything about me. He laughs when I laugh, cries when I hurt. He knows every step of grief I've ever taken. He creates sunrises just for me. He is patient when I am distracted. He knows how much I enjoy certain little things and he arranges them just for me. He rescues me when I'm lost. He needs my love. He loves that I am part of His adventure. He gives me friends who appreciate me and remind me of goodness and grace.

Stereotypical Christian answer to singlehood's woes, eh? God! He's your lover. Yeah, I understand. Sometimes we want flesh and blood to come and hug us. We want to feel him. God doesn't text us when we're down, or bring us flowers, or audibly say “I love you” or physically dry our tears. I get that. That may be what we want, but He has provided what we need. Perfectly.

He desires these things too. It's His image we're made in. He understands our yearnings better than anyone else. And he lovingly has provided a solution for our needs. He didn't make us imperfect – or he'd be imperfect. God is vulnerable. God needs. God desires. So do we. We aren't meant to be left desperate. We are meant to find fulfillment through Him. That way it doesn't matter if we are single for the rest of our lives – we have Him already! If we can recognize our need to simply be a display of God's own character, we might be less apt to condemn ourselves, and more readily apt to run to the One who eagerly waits to meet our need.

So why are we valuable? Because we are made in the image of God and He says so. No stipulations or conditions.

No-one is meant to completely fulfill that void in our hearts, ladies. Not our parents, not our siblings not our girlfriends. And later in life – not our boyfriend, not our husbands, not our children. God is so good as to give us people in our life who display affection, affirmation, security, love, support, etc. Those relationships are blessings! But they aren't meant to meet our needs entirely. Only Jesus can fulfill us 100%. It's dangerous of us to seek and expect fulfillment from the wrong sources.

This is a glorious fact, girls! God doesn't put worth on us because of our merit. And we don't need to wait until that perfect relationship – whether that's a Dad who will start loving us, that big brother we never had – a Prince charming – we don't have to wait. We have a father who unconditionally loves us and protects us. We have a friend closer than a brother. The Son of God pursues us already!

Not to belittle earthly relationships – but so often we seek and yearn and cry when He is already there, longing to be our everything. We don't have to get fit before we're lovely. We don't have to catch someone's eye before we're captivating. We don't have to prove anything.

I hope this somehow reminds you to run hard to Him. I forget too. I allow my fears to run away with me. But we don't have to. Relish the fact He loves you. Tell Him so – and watch those fears melt away. You ARE captivating.

Yes, We're Different

Spiritual Lessons

Yes, We're Different

 

Putting on make-up and wearing a dress does not make me a woman; scientifically, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Men putting on women's clothing and make-up doesn't make them a woman anymore than it does us, either. It is an insult to womanhood to pretend it does. We were created with a different genetic code, different emotions, different body. These different attributes is in no way a slam to either gender. It's fact, and it is beautiful, and it's right.


Acknowledging the difference between the sun and moon is not ignorant, insensitive or offensive. The moon's light IS less than the sun's. Does saying so indicate the moon is less valuable? Of course not! Women ARE weaker. Don't be offended. Women are valuable. And why? Because our worth has nothing to do with our strength, our looks, our efforts. Thank goodness! Because most of us women cannot achieve men's physical strength. (The exception proves the rule – too all feminists who want to jump up and shout out their heroine). Beauty fades. Our abilities often dim. It's not what we do, but who we are. Human beings made in the image of God.


Men are the image of God in fierceness and passion. He is conquer, a lion, a champion, a victor.


Women are God's image of beauty, vulnerability, the desire to loved. We embody Christ's nurturing and gentleness. We desire to be delighted in – a characteristic of God. A.W. Tozer once said, “God waits to be wanted”. Isn't this the dream of every little girl? To be wanted, appreciated, part of someone's adventure? God also wants to be wanted, appreciated and part of our lives. He desires to unveil His majesty.


The world muddys the distinction between woman and man. Society demands men to be soft, and woman to be fierce. The Church requires men to be “good” and women to be servants.


But God already instilled in each of us the desire and ability to be who He created us to be. Men are meant to be masculine. They are meant to battle and conquer. They are meant to live an adventure. To rescue. To lead.


We women are meant to nurture. To inspire. To support. To add beauty. To be guardians.


Does that mean we aren't supposed to be strong as women? Or that it's wrong for men to be gentle? No, of course not. But a woman who is only fierce and not feminine, and a man who only can be gentle but has no back-bone – there is something wrong.


As women, we should be unashamed in our calling. We should embrace our femininity – it is our unique, God-given identity. And we should encourage our men to be men. Appreciate the wildness in our men! Be a cheerful partner in their adventure. Love their passion. Love the man who spends himself in a worthy cause. Cheer him on, and fight next to him. Admire the failure who dared to try – because he is a man, not a puppet, not a conformist, not a coward.


The next time we sigh because our brothers are being “boys” or when we are tempted to critique something in our Dad we can't relate to, when our man wants to venture on some crazy notion – maybe then would be a good time to be acknowledge our differences and be thankful for them. What would the world look like with just women? Or if all mankind was emasculated? Certainly not the world God desires.


We haven't been gypped. We too have an adventure to live, a life to conquer, a gauntlet to run. We too have passions. We also are asked to be lion-hearted. We don't have to give in to the idea that our life is to be ruled by romance novels, make-up, shopping and materialism. Being a woman of God means we are allowed to be who we were created to be, women warriors, faithful daughters, inspirations – guardians of our homes – warrior raisers. Hollywood depicts woman as the subplot where she is conquered and the adventure is over. Instead, we are to be won, but then that is only part of the story. Because then we get to start another adventure but with our dearest friend as our companion.


Embrace the difference. It's supposed to be this way. And God called it good.

Love Enough To Let Go

Spiritual Lessons 

Love Enough To Let Go

Dear sisters,

I wanted to encourage you. How many of you feel “in love” with someone, right now? How many of you have that someone love you back? And yet you both remain silent. You can't move forward for some reason or another?


Do you miss him sometimes? Do little things remind you of him....constantly? Do you sometimes sit still enough to hear the quiet...and he comes to mind?

It's okay. It's natural.


Just wanted to encourage you to be thankful to be his friend right now. To tell God so. Jesus has trusted you with this emotional journey. Thank Him for it. It is a blessing to be a godly man's friend. Even if you yearn for it to go further, be okay with where you're at. It's a privilege. Be a good friend. It may be the only thing you will ever be to this man. You might as well be faithful in it. Don't take advantage of it.

If he is a good man, he probably protects you, even from himself. He is pure and discreet and a gentleman. Even despite his own feelings. Thank the Lord for him.


Be careful for his sake. Purposefully be mindful of his feelings.
Don't be afraid to keep quiet, or to revise how you say something. Wait, listen. Tell Jesus first. Go beyond “just” appropriate. Be a sister.


If you love him, ask Jesus to teach you how to love him like He desires you to. Lift Him up before God and embrace selflessness. Desire his best. Recognize he is God's son. Love him enough to let go. Maybe someday God will grant the desire of your heart. But for now, be willing to give up the dream. That is the beginning of truly loving him. You'll be so thankful that you did.



Related Posts:

Singleness -- Gift of Curse?

All His Biddings Are Joy 

Wait! Without Me?

Spiritual Lesson 

Wait!  Without me? 

All of us women enjoy quality time.  Especially quality time with the men God has placed in our lives.  Whether that be our brothers, our fathers, our boyfriends or our husbands.

It's natural, healthy, and perfectly innocent to desire this.

But I also thought it was worth noting that some women actually become upset when their men want to do something without them.

For example:

Hang out with friends.
Pursue a lone hobby.
Social media by himself
Immerse himself in a ministry
Pursue a "to-do" list

We can take it personally when they go "do their thing" and are completely content to do it without us.  Or find it top priority before asking how we are, or how our day went, or whether they want to go to coffee with us.  I'm not advocating men to be selfish jerks.  But I do want to challenge you.

Firstly, to look at your own heart.
Honestly we can be pretty selfish.  Especially with relationships we think we have a right to be selfish with.  They are our men.  My brother.  My Dad.  My husband.  My guy.  And sometimes our expectations can be unrealistic.  Every moment will be spent together.  Our boyfriend is going to enjoy our hobbies and want to do them with us.  Our brother should his activities to maintain our relationship.  Dad should take us out on dates.

Yes, it would be nice to spend every moment with our guy.  Yes it'd be ideal to have the exact same hobbies.  Yes it is beneficial to have our brothers drop some of their "to-do" list in order to be a friend.  And yeah, dates with Dad are healthy and really special.

But we don't have to freak out when this doesn't happen.  There are few things less disturbing than a clingy woman.  Ladies, as singles we heard over and over who is able to fulfill our needs and desires.  When we find we're fretting over an unmet expectation, Jesus is still the answer.  Even when we are in a relationship.  Or even when we miss our brother, or desire our Dad's attention.

There is immense freedom in allowing our men to be men.  And honestly, when we find peace in letting them go, it is an instant invitation for men to be who God created them to be.  They feel assured and encouraged and inspired when we stop demanding.  Think of the clingons in your life.  Then think of the friends who both take and give.  The ones who are are there, who encourage, who listen.  Who are we in our men's lives?

Secondly, look to find ways to encourage our men.

What ways can we reconstruct our conversation to encourage them and show we are supportive of them?

When they go, we can make sure to tell them to have fun and smile and wave when they leave.  Who wants to be their man's burden and make him feel guilty for being gone?

Letting him know you're interested in hearing how it all went.

Finding ways to be interested or help in a hobby.

Standing next to him in his ministry.

Talking well of him in public.

Not taking it personally when he chooses to be by himself.  Giving him that space and cheerfully accepting it.

Our Men Need Us

Spiritual Lessons 

Our Men Need Us!

The word “helpmeet” does not imply weakness. It implies that men have a need and women have a unique ability.

God created women to be a mans' helper; not because we are inferior but because we were designed to perfectly meet man's need. This is exciting, not demeaning! We are not opposites. We can co-exist in godly charity. We were created to! Viewing men as another species is ungodly and founded on a wicked mindset.

Yet, we are different. Which is godly and necessary. To blur these lines is also sinful.

The world hates masculinity and men who dominate, conquer, lead and protect. And yet, this partly why they were created. (Genesis 1:28). When we cringe at the word “dominate” we wince at their very purpose. We encourage the attitude that men should be ashamed of what their Creator mandated. Are we offended at the thought of men being conquerors? If we could follow that thought down to the root, we would find this ideology comes from an evil source. (feminism post).

The world teaches men to shirk manhood and encourages us to be repulsed by it. The world propagates the idea we women don't need men and are better off without them. Women are roused into a feminist mob of men-haters. While men are being shamed or lulled into passivity.

We women, whether married of not, mustn't be fooled. Ladies, our men are being ambushed by the enemy in their masculinity. We aren't standing on neutral ground on this one. We are either fighting against the enemy or we are on the enemy's side.

How can we practically encourage our men? I want to hear from you, but here are some of my ideas I hope to faithfully implement.

1. Embracing femininity. By being a modest, feminine, godly woman of God, I know it automatically inspires men to be pure, chivalrous men.
2. Embracing our purpose. We women were made of man for man. To co-rule, be fruitful, multiply, take dominion. We were meant to be united. It is not weak to think highly of men and desire to serve by their side. For goodness sake! We were created from their side, why not serve next to their side? Men need us and we need men. We were designed that way. Married women have an obvious ministry to their man. But we all are given fathers and brothers in Christ that we can serve and minister and encourage.

What does this look like practically? It might mean praying or fasting for them. Writing an encouraging note. Supporting their decisions. Allowing them to treat us like ladies. Treating them selflessly. Studying and contributing to our brother's interests. Offering to help in their projects. Packing their lunch. Speaking highly of them. Being hospitable. Staying up to date with current events. (We can be interesting, intellectual and well-rounded in conversational topics! There is only one thing more irritating than a bunch of girls who only know how to whisper, giggle, and talk of “girl topics”, ie: themselves: Grown women who only know how to gossip, cackle, and talk of birth experiences. Okay... I'm off my soap box...you get the point.) Accompanying them in evangelism. Cheering them on. Letting them know you respect or support them. Taking a rebuke in the right attitude. Seeking their counsel. For married couples that are friends, we can babysit children, or clean their homes. The list is almost endless.

Godly men do not expect women to rubber stamp their every decision just because they are men. Real men do not demand support. Submission is not coerced. We are responsible in our role as women to honor our men, submit to our husband, and to act charitably and femininely. But we are not meant to be manipulated or forced into subjection; verbally or physically. We are meant to be Pricillia's, Jaels' and Abigails', NOT Bethsehbas.

This being said, there is a lack of courageous feminine women of God who are willing to take off Satan's blinders and fight. Fight next to their men. Encourage their men. Support their men. And graciously submit and serve and co-labor. We can be these kind of women. We can stand by our men and love them in all charity. They need us.

Can I let him know I like him?

Spiritual Lessons

Can I Let Him Know I Like Him?

How to Interact with Guys

I recently was posed with the question:  

Could we possibly let guys know we are interested in them?

If we look solely at biblical, positive examples of women interacting with men, we see Rebecca who was kind, respectful, and thoughtful.  Ruth was confident but humble, and thankful.  Abigail who was intelligent, gracious, humble and courageous.

And then there's the three negative extremes.


1. We are Fearful Fawns.  Shy and shrinking.  We think this is demure and modest, when really it's just foolish and harmful.  Deliberate shunning of all eligible young men isn't godly.  :)

2. Flaunting flirts.  Silly, stalking, clinging, gushing, flattery and leech -like behavior is also unbecoming.  :)

3. Or Forward Feminists.  This is how it is Buster.


Would it be a sin to ask a guy out?  Probably not.

Would it have been a sin for Abigail to tell David to repent?  Probably not.

But Abigail boldly, virtuously, and intelligently moved David to repentance.  She allowed the Spirit to use her.  She obviously wanted an outcome:  David to have grace for her husband/family.  But she didn't march down to David and tell him how it was.  

We can never show too much of the Holy Spirit.  (Fruits of the Spirit).  But there's something to be said about being wooed.  I don't know about you ladies, but I personally desire to be pursued.  That principle is seen in the Bible.  Christ died for us ladies!  I think the man who is too terrified to say anything might not be the guy I'd like to marry.

Disclaimers!  It's perfectly natural for a guy to be afraid of pursuing.  Our fear as women is:  I'm not beautiful enough.  A man's fear:  I don't have what it takes.  Rejection is fearful for any man.  (Not to mention some of us have fathers that carry shotguns...)  It's healthy to have a little terror.  :)  But if this keeps him from ever pursuing you, perhaps there's good reason not to pursue him.

Anyone could take this idea too far:  "I'm not even going to smile at him or talk to him!  I mean -- if he wants to marry me, he's gonna have to work at this."  That would simply be dumb.

Men are pursuers and initiators, principally, naturally and even spiritually.
 
Allowing a man to be a pursuer is healthy and godly.  Many women are tired of keeping their emotions "in the dark" and feel like it would be healthy to let the guy know they're interested.  I'm not an advocate of having secret crushes or playing romantic mind-games. But approaching a man and "just letting him know" seems a little brash and inappropriate.

Pursuing a man unveils our viewpoint of men.
Men aren't a class of potentials.  When we feel it's necessary to "tell them how it is" it is a little red flag that maybe we're wanting our way (right now please) and we're feeling maybe we should be involved, even though we'd deny ill-trust on God or desperateness. If you can't trust this guy to know when to ask to pursue, why would you trust him to be your head and family leader?  By letting a guy know we are interested we show our assumption that they don't know.  Maybe they do but are waiting on God or His timing?  Maybe they do and they simply aren't interested.  Just because we're over the stereotypical "age of eligibility" doesn't mean we need to give way to panic and unrest and wear "I'm single" t-shirts.

Worldly women often have a more sedate and secure sense of their singleness than we do!  Sisters -- we don't have to jump in on the Terror of Singlhood epidemic that's spreading in Christian circles.  God is still in control.  Even if things aren't going the way we imagined.  We don't have to propose in order to ensure marriage.

  I am an advocate for being friends with godly men.  Instead of wondering if "he's the one" we might be better off if we just try to be this man's friend.  How can we be an encouragement?  How can we be a sister in Christ?  What can we learn from him?  We can be friends -- even with someone else's "one".

We shouldn't be afraid of saying hello first.  Most men don't think you want to marry them because you said hi.  I've fallen for some of these weird "nice-Christian-girl" faux pas.  And then, when I threw those out the window, I found myself being too familiar and forward.  There is a balance!  An adventure we might live with the rest of our lives.  (Married women struggle with how to treat guy-friends too!).

Being comfortable with who I am has been a huge step in being guy's friends.  When we are comfortable with who we are, we invite others to be at ease with themselves.  There's no reason for us to intimidate men.  And it's really a pride issue if we think we have to go to unreasonable efforts to hide ourselves or "protect a man's purity".  We can get over ourselves a little.  :)

There are times I have laughed with my guy friends because we both found ourselves in an awkward situation-- or we weren't sure what would be appropriate.  (So, we are all in a circle and our host wants everyone to hold hands to pray....ah!  I'm standing next to "John"!  Hahaha).  It's okay to acknowledge we don't have this all figured out!

There's nothing wrong with being approachable.  Even initiating some conversation.  Smiling.  Being ourselves helps men to be men.  We sometimes need to just relax!  Life is not all about romance!  But letting a guy know we are available is going beyond being approachable.
 
There aren't rules and regulations on this.  Wisdom from others, biblical principles and guidelines and a little common sense goes a loooooooong way.  Who cares what Mrs. Matchmaker thinks?  But let's be above reproach.  Who cares what Miss Feminist thinks?  But let's not be socially awkward.

We ladies are given a gift.  We were given the power of influence.  This gives us a responsibility to encourage the men in our lives to be the godly men they should be.  Our wit, beauty and charm have very little to do with it.  But our conduct does!  (1 Pet. 3:2)

I am blessed with the men God has placed in my life.  How I treat them matters.  I can attest that my words, my actions have effected them.  Abigail wasn't silent!  But she was prudent with how and what she said.  Are we good examples?  Are we edifying?  Are we sisterly and charitable?

Loved this quote:

"Our presence in society is not mute.  What we say has an effect, what we don't say has an effect; what we laugh at has an effect. what we walk away from has an effect; the words we use have an effect; who we talk to and how we talk to them has an effect.  Young men notice.  Young women notice.  And when our behavior "set[s] the believers an example in speech, in conductm in love, in faith, in purity"  (1 Tim 4:12), it has the power to transform the social sene around us -- even to turn mice into men."  ~ Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin in "It's (Not That) Complicated" p. 189