Biblical Womanhood Part II

spiritual lessons

Biblical Womanhood

Part II

I promised a second post on Biblical Womanhood. In it I wanted to address the last two subjects: What guy and girl relationships should look like, and physical touch.  

(Click here to read Biblical Womanhood Part I)

A Standard of Purity

While recently talking to a young woman I was asked why I wouldn't hug young men and why I wouldn't become a close friend with a guy. She mentioned that physical touch is actually a health benefit.  She also wondered at how I could consider myself friends with guys and yet not be willing to spend one on one with them or treat them like any of my girl friends.  

This is my answer. And as Christian young woman you too need to have an answer. 

 Every person has a boundary. A line in the sand. For many Christians they draw it at marital relations. Most Christian woman, that I know, wouldn't have sex outside of marriage. Why? This is their standard of purity. You too have a standard of purity...but do you know why you stand there? Do you know why you draw the line there? If you don't know why, you most likely will not be able to remain standing when you are challenged or tempted.

I desire that my standard of purity be based off of God's standard of purity. Ephesians 5:22-27 describes this for us. Marriage between a man and woman represent the church's marriage with Christ. We are His bride. And His standard for his bride is that we be holy and blameless, having no spot or wrinkle.

Christ said to men that “Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:28) God demands purity of heart and mind. Our hearts, just like our bodies are to be saved for one person.

Physical relationships with a man before marriage obviously does not fit God's standard of purity. But why not hugs? Why not close one on one friendships?

With a little research you can find plenty of scientific reasons on health benefits for physical touch. Giving hugs supposedly lowers blood pressure, relieves stress, boosts oxytocin which benefits the heart and more.(http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2014/02/06/hugging.aspx)

I believe it, and don't condemn hugging. I hug my mom and dad and sisters and brothers and girlfriends often. I also realize that we young women are hard-wired with a need to be held and cherished and protected and wanted and touched. It's God-given and it's natural and it's good. We just need to be careful where we find fulfillment in this. My family definitely helps with this need. They love me and cherish me and protect me. But I usually find I need more. And I turn to Jesus who loves to hold and cherish and protect. But I do not hug young men because of God's standard on purity.

Read my post on Compromise.

God tells us to keep our hearts. That would infer that our hearts can be given away. Proverbs 4:23 It also states we are to do this with diligence. This infers that it is imperative, and in need of active vigilance.

This is a difficult task but with Jesus who is our strength and with our God-given authorities He has made it possible. Read my post on Temptation.

The Bible makes it clear that He knew us while we were yet being formed. That He holds an expected end in mind for us. That He knows our future and has a will for it. (See Psalm 139; Jeremiah 29:11 and Ephesians 2:10 for a few examples).

Knowing this, I don't think it's too far of a stretch to say that He knows and has planned a best for us. That He knows our man and is molding him into the perfect spouse for us. I believe He has a plan for our future children. I don't have it all figured out, it's still a mystery as to exactly how God brings husbands and wives together, but I firmly believe that we are created to be one man's helpmeet and should use serious guarded caution about the men we get close to.  Read my post on Heart Strings.

Not only in physical contact but in actions! We should behave as if our husbands were in the room watching us. We are sisters in Christ to every young man that is a believer and that is the extent to which we should act. As sisters with all purity. (1 Timothy 5:2).

“But test-driving someone romantically, whether for kicks, for science, or for strategy, is not how we keep romance in the context of marriage, where it belongs. We can invent a thousand excuses, but at the end of the day, we don’t do it because it’s wise. We don’t do it because it’s loving. We don’t do it because we’re pursuing purity. We do it because it’s just so much fun.”

 (Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin in It's Not that Complcated)

Saving our first kiss, our first hug...our first holding a guy's hand, for our future spouse is a beautiful thing. I have talked to many couples who followed this standard and they have no regrets. In fact, they encourage every single person they know to do the same.

Physical touch with a man is intimate and stirs the emotions. Intimacy and emotions that will easily lead you to compromising your purity. Physical contact (cuddling, caressing, hugging, holding hands...) actually awakens emotions and thoughts that aren't evil in and of themselves, but are inappropriate outside of marriage. I'm not the only one that thinks this! I have spoken to young women and young men on this topic. And believe me, it's not only “perverts” who think this way. This is a natural response.

But this aside, it goes beyond what is beautiful, or preference or what others have said. This is an issue on what God thinks, what He asks of us, what He expects. The Bible gives us many clear commands. We are to guard our hearts, love selflessly, thinking on that which is pure and true. Not to covet or lust. To be temperate. To take every thought captive.

Can we obey Him in this while being intimate with a guy outside of marraige? I don't think so.

So is it Wrong to Date?

In a recent conversation, a young woman told me she was curious how I could believe that without dating, and living in the middle of nowhere, in a small social sphere, I was ever going to get married. She really doubted a guy was going to fall out of heaven on my doorstep.

Well, she's right. A guy, most likely, isn't going to fall out of heaven on my doorstep and marry me. But I know I will marry someday, and that I don't need to date in order to do so. What she was really asking is “How are you going to get to know someone?”.  Read my post on "The One".

That's actually a really good question.

Firstly, I know plenty of people. Hundreds. Though I do live in a tiny town and my social spheres are limited to church, our friends from a like minded church in Canada, and work; I'm really not concerned. God doesn't really need my help. I don't need to go looking for eligible men. In fact, I know that I am to be faithful with what He has already given me and called me to do. He will do the rest.    Read my post What to do as a Single?

I am acquainted with dozens of guys, nice and not so nice ones, whom I'm sure I won't ever marry. And you know what? I didn't have to date them to find out. It is quite easy getting to know someone without dating them.  Read my post "Holding out for a Fairy Tale"

Joshua Harris wrote an excellent book called “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”. In it his gives 7 reasons on the negativity of the Dating system.

#1 Dating leads to intimacy, not necessarily to commitment.

#2 Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of relationship.

#3 Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.

#4 Dating often isolates us from other vital relationships.

#5 Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of of preparing for their future.

#6 Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness.

#7 Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character.

Through what I have read and what I have seen in other's lives, and what many people have shared with me from their own personal experience, I have come to the conclusion that dating is not only less than the ideal, but actually detrimental. And thankfully, God's word describes something better than dating. We do have a practical healthy alternative. My family has labeled this “courtship”. For more detail on this please read my post on Courtship Defended.

What then does godly guy-girl relationships look like?

I want all my readers to know that I think it's okay to be friends with a guy. I actually have a few guy friends. In fact, my brothers and I are always going on adventures with our friends (guy and girl). One particular young man we seem to do everything with.  I consider myself to be his friend. We sincerely enjoy each other's company, share ideas, have some similar interests, will joke and do things together. But always in a group setting.

I respect him and love him as a brother.  And I know he respects me and loves me as his sister.  I know this because of how he treats me.  We can have fun and participate together in many of the same activities and pray for one another and encourage each other and laugh together but we have never spent one on one with each other.  And this is because we respect each other's purity.  We never would want to cause the other to stumble or be tempted.  We would never think of hugging each other for this very reason.  And yet we are good friends.  There  is nothing formal or stiff about our friendship.  It is simple, healthy, pure, comfortable and clean.  It is possible to have guys as friends without any physical touch involved.  In fact, staying clear of all emotional or physical intimacy gives us the ability to be friends without any awkwardness.  (I also want to add that it's true that men need hugs too, but not from us single women!  We are not gypping men of the physical benefit from hugging by keeping ourselves pure.  As in my example with my friend, he hugs his sisters, he does not need his girl friends to do that for him!).

I can safely have one on one time with girlfriends because there is no risk of temptation. To share your heart one on one is personal, intimate and bonding. We have no reason to bond to a young man unless they are our young men. And unless they are our brothers, father, grandfather (immediate family) or our man with our ring on his finger they aren't ours. Period.

Believe me, I know the battle to keep a pure heart. Especially in this day and age of impurity and with reaching the “old maid status” (past 18 years old!). I also know what it's like to find men fascinating, attractive and loveable. We are hard-wired that way. It's okay. This is a black and white issue, but I am not trying to come across without compassion or “preachy”. I know your struggles. I'm human....and a female on top of that. I get it. Ever since I was a little girl I have loved boys. I loved playing with them and found it easy to communicate and spend time with them. But we must remember God's standard of purity. We must remember to love our brothers.

We can love our brothers in Christ. Love doesn't lust and pine away and flaunt itself. It doesn't envy. It does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own...thinks no evil. (1 Corinthians 13). The young men God has put into our lives aren't to be seen as opportunities or potentials or sources of fulfillment. Nor do they have to be sources of heartache. Setting boundaries on our feelings and obeying His standard for purity will save us these problems. The kingdom of God is lacking godly zealous leaders. Christ-like men are rare. What men has God placed in your life? It's not an accident. We can encourage them to greatness and manliness by being godly pure women.                       

How do we treat young men we admire?

It isn't wrong to admire and respect a young man, and even realize we would like to marry a man like him someday. Where we need to be careful is in these areas:

Our will. If God has designed our future and has a plan for us we must embrace His will for us. No young man should be more important that this.

Our claims. We cannot claim any young man as ours unless we are married to him. Being possessive or jealous of a man is selfish and unhealthy. If we start to feel this way we know we need to get our heart right and ask God for a godly attitude for this guy. We have no guarantee that this man is ours and cannot put any stake in emotions.

What we can do towards men we admire:

We can pray for him and his future wife. We can treat him as a sister in Christ. We can trust that God knows what He is doing and wait for Him to guide our future and the young man's future. Focus on what God has given us to faithfully prepare for and ask God to make us worthy, “above rubies” for the man we pray God will give us. Not treating our admiration as a secret or as God-given inspiration/intuition. For one, telling our parents, or a mature trusted friend, will hold our thoughts accountable and take away the “butterflies” and immature “crush” symptoms. Two, our emotions really can't be trusted. They are strong, they are real, they aren't all evil...but they aren't always correct. They can lead us astray.

What about guys that we don't really like and bother us and try to get our phone number or corner us at functions or try to flirt with us? 

Something I want to point out is that most young men initiate these kinds of things, but they then wait to see how the woman responds. YOU set the tone of interaction. This isn't necessarily true for all situations but it's something that is often ignored. If you pretend to enjoy his attentions, if you are too bashful and remain neutral, if you won't establish boundaries, these kind of men will test you and push you out of your comfort zone (intentionally or not).

Parents are great helpers for advice and Dads are our protectors. But often you don't even need to get your Dad involved if you would do the guy the favor of not being an enabler.

You don't have to endure creepy questions, or inappropriate behavior or crude jokes or give your number or accept dates or be be friendly to these guys. This kind of thing will happen to you so you might as well realize that you can politely let them know you aren't interested.  Please read my post on Defending Yourself.

As a Christian we act like Christ, and Christ was bold though without sin. We can do the same thing. We don't have to be haughty or self-righteous. But we also don't have to allow anyone to push us into anything uncomfortable. In love you can simply state, "I'm sorry I don't give out my information". Or, "I'm sorry I'm not interested".

I know a man that follows young woman around and tries to talk to them at church functions. He is a wife hunter. This kind of man can make any girl feel like prey. (If there is a predator, make sure to tell your authorities and brothers. They can take care of this for you). But if he is simply over board in his wife hunting methods you must be bold. If he is talking to you there is nothing wrong with having a short polite discussion and then excusing yourself. He isn't going to eat you. Don't treat him like a monster. Don't make fun of him by snickering to your girlfriends about him either. Some of these men are just lonely. But if he is pushing boundaries you may have to say something. It's okay to let a person know when you are uncomfortable. Most bold people who push can take it. Plus if there are other young men that hear you state your boundaries they can then easily defend you. My brothers have told me this several times. When a young woman says “Please don't, this makes me feel uncomfortable” they then have something to go off of and can easily intercede if the man continues. My brothers then tell the man, “Excuse me, but this young lady just asked you not to do this...”

Remember, your Dad has no problem protecting you. He's that secret weapon you can pull out if you can't handle it. :) Yet, most men get the hint if you do not respond to their flirtatious actions and simply treat them like every other young man. It's not our responsibility to make them feel good or welcomed or anything. We are to guard our hearts.

But what if I have already compromised my purity?

All of us have compromised our purity to some level. In this filthy world we all have been attacked mentally, emotionally if not physically in an impure way.

No matter how far you have fallen, or how how compromised your purity has become there is a hope. And it doesn't matter if your purity has been stained by your own choice of against your will. We all have the same hope offered to us.

The Savior, Jesus Christ offers us forgiveness and cleansing and healing. He is our hope. The same offering he gave to the woman caught in adultery, is the same hope he extends to us.

He already knows our need. We don't have to try to become clean before coming to Him because He knows (better than we do) how vain our own cleansing is. Some of us struggle to forgive ourselves. That's okay, because our forgiveness isn't what will heal us. It's His forgiveness. If we can accept His forgiveness we later will be able to forgive ourselves and others.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but [this] one thing [I do], forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,

 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:13-14

It's never too late to repent of our impure actions and do what is right. Let Him take your thoughts captive. Think on pure things (Phil. 4:8). Don't put yourself in tempting situations (ie: one one one with a guy!).

Jesus knows how to keep your heart and also purify it. Sometimes this isn't easy. Sometimes it requires a lonely stand. Sometimes He allows fire to “try” us and burn off our dross. But it's worth it!

No man owns your heart. As a Christian you know that Jesus does. No matter how many shreds of your heart you have given out, Jesus can make you whole. Of course there are always consequences to our actions. Of course we most likely will have scars. But when Jesus forgives He does it all the way.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” (Ps. 51:10)

If you don't have a dad that protects you. If you naturally are emotionally impulsive and give your heart away to every eligible guy; if you are vulnerable to romantic thoughts, if you have regrets, if an impure past haunts you – God still mercifully offers His forgiveness and love and healing and atonement.

He knows your hurt. He knows your anxieties. He hears your cries and prayers. He will forgive you. He will keep you. He makes purity possible.

Philippians 4:6-7

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Related Posts:

I Love Him...I Love Him Not
 


Complete and Content
 


Biblical Womanhood Part I

Courtship Defended Part III

Spiritual Lessons 

Courtship Defended 

Part III

I recently read a post from Facebook that made a case that Courtship is flawed and even detrimental. I enjoy discussions on such topics and it interested me that this man was a homeschool graduate, a Christian, a lover of writing and had read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”.  This was someone I could relate to! And yet, as I read, I realized we had little in common on this subject. By the end of the post I was actually appalled with the advice he was giving young people and equally dismayed that many Christians (even some friends of mine) were being swayed by his argument. I decided to write a “reply” to this well liked post. I realize that everyone is entitled to an opinion, but just as he wrote to influence, I also write to take a stand on this vital issue. 

(Because of his lengthy post I will have to make “installments” of my post.  Click here to read Part I or here for Part II )

Responding to Common Questions & Objections to Traditional Dating

Why Not Just Spend Time in Groups?

The Writer:   “The problem with group settings is that not all personality types open up in group settings. Many married couples include one spouse who is more comfortable in group settings than the other. These couples may have never found each other if they were limited to “group dating.”

In group activities, it can be hard for the wallflowers to be discovered for the flowers that they really are. They need a less intense 1-on-1 setting in which to bloom. Group settings are particularly rough on women who grew up in communities where they were trained to value submissiveness, meekness and quietness.”

Response: Group settings do make it more complicated to completely open up. That is kind of the point. A young person will not be given to the same temptations if being held accountable by others. During “Stage 1” or otherwise the Friendship stage, there is nothing needed beyond group settings. As far as “Stage 2” or the Courtship stage, the group setting is still safe and greatly encouraged. Of course, depending on the individual families standards, once courtship is initiated, there may be allowed times where the couple is only chaperoned by one or two people. The idea is to remain chaste and given little opportunity to do otherwise. Most situations that have led to compromised purity started when the couple became secretive or alone. A mature couple will see the blessing of this protection.

And just for the record, I have grown up in a home where I was trained to “value submissiveness, meekness and quietness” and have never considered myself socially awkward because of it. The Bible calls the meek blessed, and claims that a meek and quiet spirit are, in the sight of God, an ornament of great price,(1 Peter 3:4). It commands for the woman to submit herself unto her husband, (Ephesians 5:22), and speaks of a soft answer turning away wrath and commends studying quietness (1 Thes. 4:11). These attributes grace young woman, not strip them of their confidence.

The Writer: “Where is a stay-at-home daughter who attends a small family integrated church supposed to find groups of young people to hang out with? The result of limiting interaction to group settings is many lonely nights interacting with no one.”

Response: I have known loneliness. I believe most singles at one time or another have experienced it. But loneliness can haunt you no matter who you have to “hang out” with.

I will attest to the fact that there aren't many groups of young people worth hanging out with. But that isn't because I'm a stay-at-home daughter, or because I attend a small church. It is because of the general lack of sincere God seeking Christian young people. Most young people are merely interested in the here and now, present gratification, shallow selfish desires. Dating kind of fits with those interests. Sometimes being set apart from those kind of people can be a lonely stand. But I am not a lonely person. Christ is my best friend. After Him I have a couple really close girl friends, many siblings that are my dear friends, grandparents and church family. I could hardly say I'm lonely. Group settings do not equate to loneliness.

But Isn’t Courtship Biblical?

Courtship is based on biblical standards.

 Such as:

A man and woman make up a marriage, strict purity standards (1 Corinthians 7:1, 1 Timothy 5:2),that the man is the leader of his home and therefore the father is the leader of those under him, (1 Corinthians 11:3, 1 Timothy 5:8), true unselfish love, (1 Corinthians 13:5),

only marrying Christians (1 Corinthians 6:14 James 4:4), and honoring and obeying our parents in the Lord (Ephesians 6:1-3).

The Writer: "Most of the moral arguments for courtship are actually arguments for arranged marriage...

When I started my website, one of my goals was to never use the site to criticize arranged marriage. ...Arranged marriages have the lower divorce rate.  Arranged marriage has been used by many cultures for many years with good results.”

The problem is that arranged marriage is not a good fit for western culture. Many Americans value individual liberty more than life itself. Giving this most important decision to someone else is not something many of us are comfortable with. Also, parents are often hesitant to arrange marriages lest their child resent them if the marriage turns out to be an unhappy one.

I don’t see Arranged Marriage taking off in Western Culture."

Response: It interested me that the Writer wasn't against arranged marriage, but obviously quite against courtship. The arguments he gives against courtship (ie: identification, interaction, and initiation) would definitely be present in arranged marriages.

And yet arranged marriage is not similar to courtship. In arranged marriages the young people has little to no say in the choice of a spouse. The fathers or parents usually decide...and often while the couple (or at least the woman)  is still quite young. This is nothing like courtship, although it surprised me that the Writer has more tolerance for this approach than courtship itself. He is right – arranged marriage won't be taking off in the Western Culture anytime soon.

The Writer: “Traditional Dating fits our culture like a glove. Most of Americans already intuitively know how it works because it is part of who we are as a people. If you don’t know how it works, ask your grandparents and they will tell you of the glory days when men were free.  Watch the twinkle in their eye when they tell you of a time when men and women could fall in love and pick their own spouses.”

Response: Traditional dating fits our culture because our culture's mentality is interested in two things, gratifying self, and gratifying self right now. That is why divorce has become culturally accepted. The marriage stops being self gratifying so we end it.

The fact that traditional dating fits our self gratifying culture doesn't make it appealing. The Writer says that back in our grandparents day men and women could pick their own spouses, as if implying that nowadays, due to courtship, men and woman are reduced to having their marriages arranged. Not so. At least not by our parents, or any human being. Perhaps it is the fact that we believe God is the Arranger of our marriages that he upset with?

Hasn’t Our Sexualized Culture Ruined Dating?

The Writer: “There is no denying that the media is far more sexually charged than it was when my grandparents were dating in junior high. Now while some of that is the media following culture (The Beatles sang about hand holding while hippies swapped STDs in the 60s), I do believe that media affects the culture. The question is how do we best respond to that culture.

The commitment, exclusivity and intensity of dating is what lead to temptation and compromise in the first place. Courtship makes the problem worse by increasing the commitment which intensifies the temptation.”

Response: How would commitment intensify temptation? If I have decided to save my heart for one man, and committed to saving it until the day of marriage, then I would be hard pressed to give it up to just anyone, (or multiple men).

On the other hand, if there was no commitment to do so, what keeps me back from sharing my heart?
The question is not how do we best respond to that culture, but how to be a light in it. (Romans 12:2; 1 Thessalonians 5:5; Ephesians 5:8; 1 John 2:15-17)

The Writer:  “The other problem with courtship is that it often delays marriage. Courtship communities expect young people to live celibate lives in a sexually charged culture for a decade or more before they get married. The Bible instructs us to flee temptation and to marry lest you burn with lust. Courtship teaches instead to delay marriage until you are ready."

Response: Firstly, the Writer talks of “Courtship communities” like those that believe in courtship are part of a cult. We may be a minority, but certainly not a cult. Secondly, those who believe in courtship do not expect young people to "live celibate lives for a decade before they get married". It is expected to remain a virgin until marriage, but the amount of time has no bearing. I have friends that married a year after graduating, and friends that didn't marry until past twenty-four years old. Time have no relevance. There isn't a specific time of “delay”.  We just keep our heart with diligence.

The Writer:  "The benefit of traditional dating is that the lack of exclusivity reduces temptation. It also helps young people find out who they are and who they are looking for faster. Early marriage reduces the number of years a young person must resist sexual temptation through celibacy.”

Response: How would going out with multiple men reduce temptation? By not dating I am in no position to be tempted in sexual sin. If the Lord has asked me to prepare and wait to be a wife, then I should happily prepare and wait until He gives me the gift of marriage. Just as in anything the Lord has asked me to prepare and wait for.

The Writer claims that dating is the short cut to marriage.  Clearly the Writer is trying to make a case for not waiting for the Lord's timing. If we applied this to any other area of Christianity it wouldn't be applauded. The Writer is encouraging us to just go with the fast method (dating) so we aren't made to endure any temptations that we may come up against. This is ludicrous. The Bible says that no temptation has taken us that is not common to man.(1 Corinthians 10:13).  Every “single” will go through singleness. And yet He will never allow any temptation above what we are able to bear. If we are called to singleness at this time of our life, then it is good and is not more than we can handle.

Now Lets Talk Some Specifics

Suggestions For Single Women

The Writer" "If you are a single woman, realize that the reason guys are not asking you out is NOT because you are unattractive. It is because you live in a system where he must want to marry you before he can get to know you. It is the system that is broken, not you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Somewhere out there is a guy who will see you as the most beautiful woman in the world. The more guys you meet, the faster you will find him."

Response: Really? If this is a race to go through all the guys available, this doesn't sound like the efficient way. Courtship relies on God bringing your spouse to your attention. If we have millions of singles to go through, this could be a complication! :)  

There is no reason a godly woman should feel unattractive because of the lack of men calling.  If you carry yourself righteously, and in Christ-like love (charity vaunteth not itself, doth not behave itself unseemly or seeketh out her own. 1 Corinthians 13) then most likely you won't be called on by troops of men.  The majority of men in the world aren't looking for godly spouses.  Don't be discouraged if men do not call.  The Lord knows exactly what we can handle.  He may not want to distract us with callers at this time in our life. The amount of men calling on us is not a scale to our beauty. 

The Writer: "If I Christian guy asks you out for dinner, say 'yes'.  You don't need to love him to say yes to a first date."

Response:  That sounds desperate. Where is the wisdom in that? If a Christian guy asks to get to know you better, you are going to want the Lord's opinion on the matter. Being asked out is not a little thing. The guy is obviously interested in you more than a friend or sister in Christ. If he wanted to take a godly woman out to dinner just to be nice, he could have taken his mother or sister out. Obviously he wants you for a reason. Relationships are complex. To begin anything beyond friendship is a big deal.

The Writer:   "Be friendly.  Give the guy hope that he has a chance with you.  Coyness is not as attractive as the media makes it out to be.

Don't make him run a gauntlet before he can get to know you.  Realize he is not asking to marry you when he asks if he can buy you dinner."

Response: What is a guy asking when he takes you out to dinner?  If he just wanted to be friends he wouldn't be requesting alone time with you.  And yes playing coy is ugly, almost as ugly as playing easy to get. 

Also, if my guy can't run a gauntlet for me, I really don't know that I find him that appealing. Of course there comes some godly fear with approaching my dad for his daughters heart. There is a slight cost. If a guy is willing to make that costly effort, it says something of his character.

The Writer:  "Some guys are gems and more than meets the eye.  Give him a chance to win your attention and to earn that second date."

Response:  What is our goal? To begin a relationship with a future? Or to win that second date? We don't need to go around giving guys chances and making ourselves available and worrying about our attraction status. God is in control! He knows what He is doing, He holds an expected end for us. (Jeremiah 29:11) Life is not about making sure we earn a date.

The Writer: "Don't call in your dad unless he won't take a hint.  Your dad and his shotgun should be the last resort."

Response: The time before marriage is an imperative time in a girl's life. This is when she needs protection, advice, and guidance from her father. Marriage (outside of salvation) is the biggest choice a girl will make. Only cowardice or ignorance would keep a father from participating in his daughters relationships. If a guy wants to take a girl out then it is obvious he has more interest than just being friendly. “Getting to know her” involves intimacy. Maybe that's why the Bible uses the word “know” to describe sexual intimacy (Genesis 4:1). When we bond with someone, 1 on 1,  in an exclusive relationship (which dating is, no matter if it's with one guy on certain days of the week and another one on others) we are giving of ourselves emotionally and the result is “knowing” them. Our bodies are only part of us, but intercourse involves our mind and heart which is part of who we are as well. To get to know a man beyond friendship that you do not intend to marry is emotional adultery. See post "Adultery of the Heart" ). A serious thing. And to share our heart intimately with Bob and Bill is whorish.

Suggestions for Single Men

The Writer: "Start asking girls out.  Most girls would love to be asked out and will say 'yes' if you would just ask them."

Response: Maybe this is the mentality that get's guys a rejection rate of a dozen fathers?

The Writer: "Realize that asking a girl out to dinner is not the same as proposing for marriage."

Response: What is your motive then? 

The Writer: "If she  says you need to talk to her dad first just move on to the next girl.  Don't let the fact that some women have controlling fathers keep you from dating the girls with more normal families.  There are a lot of fish in the sea, and some dads are nicer than others..."

 Response: Basically, girls that need their fathers permission are out of the Writers league.  Like I have said before, if a guy isn't willing to ask my dad, I don't think he is worthwhile.  I find it slightly insulting that he implies that courtship families aren't normal.  But maybe we aren't.  Maybe being normal isn't such a great thing.  We are called to be a peculiar people.  

The Writer: "If you have been browbeaten by harsh courtship fathers, I feel your pain.  Ask God to heal your heart and to give you the courage to try again.  The tide is shifting.  The leaders that those men used to justify their actions are quickly fading into the past.  We are entering a kinder, gentler age.  Who knows.  Maybe the next girl you ask out could be the one."

Response: A kinder gentler age? Or one filled with compromise? I understand, rejection would not be easy. But maybe there is a reason you have been told no. Perhaps God is using the authorities in your life to point something out to you. Maybe you are rushing ahead of His timing.

The Writer: "Get a job.  Money makes you more attractive."

Response: That seems altogether shallow. But whatever works when its all about “earning” that next date.

Suggestions for Both Single Men and Single Women

The Writer: "Do what your grandparents did and go out on dates with lots of different people before going steady with any of them."

Response: Because Grandma and Grandpa did it that way doesn't make it okay. The predominant Christian worldview was replaced as early as the beginning of the 20^th century. Our culture has been spiritually blind for a long time. Someday you will be a grandparent. Just because you did it this way won't make it right for your grandchildren.  

The Writer:  "Have fun."  

Response: Amazing how often this comes up.  Courtship and marriage both involve the element of "fun", and yet this is not why we court or marry.

Suggestions For Parents

Some of the Writers suggestions were not wrong.  (ie: Pray for your children), but what stood out to me were these --

The Writer: "Encourage your sons to ask girls on dates.  

Allow your daughters to say yes to first dates from Christian guys you don't know.

As your children become adults, give advice instead of commands.  Being a parent does not make you a Pope of another adult.

Encourage your children to find their way to places where they can meet other single people.  

Don't force your daughters to stay at home.  Let them get out into the world where thy can meet godly men.  If you want to catch a fish you must first walk to the pond."

Response: The overlying message is “Parents: keep your hands off”.

Firstly, I'd like to mention that we aren't meant to be fishers of men (unless we are talking about souls). I'm not trying to “catch a fish”. I plan on following God's will for my life. Wherever He sends me I'll go. Wherever He keeps me, I'll stay. Whomever He has me meet and befriend, I will. When I meet my man and God says “He's it”, I'll obey. I'm not walking the pond.

Secondly, fathers in our day and age are actually taught to relinquish their responsibility to lead and guide and guard their children. It's easily recognized in media, especially Hollywood. It may start out as early as Day Care, classrooms, friendships, and later on in employment or on campus., but somewhere at some time the father will be challenged to give up his biblical role. The culture has accepted the mentality that men are tyrannical monsters if they try to take on the biblical headship over their families. The world actually condemns men who try to guard their daughters.

When I was young, my dad taught me in the admonition and nurture of the Lord. He taught me that if I did not obey (right away, all the way) there were consequences to my actions. Not only was I disciplined, but he also strove to win my heart. Because I learned to trust my daddy, as an adult I seek his advice. My dad doesn't need to command my obedience anymore because I know that when he warns me of something it is because it carries a consequence. He doesn't act like a Pope, but as my guardian, my knight in shining armor, my leader.

How to Talk With Your Folks About Courtship

The Writer:  "Share this post with your parents and talk to with them about why courtship is flawed and why you are going to start going out on dates.

I find that even the most controlling parents start to mellow out as their single daughters start entering their 30s. That biological clock waits for no man, even Prince Charming. It will help when their friends start bragging about their grandchildren. If all else fails, play the grandchildren card. Most parents want grandchildren. Try to explain that if they want grandchildren you need to get married and courtship is not helping you do that. Realize that many of their rules were created out of fear.”

Response: This is a scary case of bribery and fear tactics. Play the grandchildren card?

Rules are not made out of fear. Rules and standards are guidelines for security and safe keeping.

Where do we go from here?

The Writer:  "Share this post with your community on Facebook and Google+ to continue the conversation. My hope is that as single people start embracing traditional dating we can restore the fun first date to our culture. The more people who read this post the more guys that will start asking girls out and the more girls who will say “yes” to that first date.”

Response: Again comes the desperation for fun and fast.

Purity and God's way and timing should be “where we go from here”. There aren't many people who are willing to take such a stand in this day and age of fun and fast. But God makes all things beautiful in His time. Thankfully we aren't called to boring decades of nothingness. The Lord has great plans for singles. This is the time we are able to serve Him with little distraction. This is the time of preparation. A time of sweet lessons and triumphs right now. For young woman I would like to recommend a book titled “So Much More” by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin. We are called to more than just surviving our single years. This book is a great encouragement on how to view our singleness through Christ's eyes. Also, my book which is becoming available this next month is called “Maid Arise”. I know how discouraged young woman become when they are told that they are holding out for a fairy tale. I also have my blog maidarise.blogspot.com. For young men I would recommend “When I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris. As well as “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy.  

What do you think?

I would love to get some feedback on your thoughts on this topic!  Please feel free to comment.