Luke 8:54

"And he put them all out, and took her by the hand, and called, saying, Maid arise." Luke 8:54

Monday, August 11, 2014

The One

Spiritual Issues 

The One 

While sharing my heart and my convictions on relationships, singleness, and future spouses it interests me to hear women's responses. Some people tell me, “Wow....that's awesome for you...but quite unrealistic in today's culture.” I know that some peers even think that I will end up an old maid. I've been told I'm "Old fashioned". But not all responses are negative, (not that being "old fashioned" is a negative!). Some women have asked questions. Recently I had someone ask me some very good pointed questions concerning these issues and I thought I would share them with you.

"I am then do young women identify "the one" if not able to get to know the person? ...If you are to save your thoughts and heart for your future husband, how do you know who that man is until you talk to him, share your thoughts and values and determine what his thoughts and values are? Did I misunderstand something? I believe that God knows who the one is for you, but how does He reveal him to you?"

These are quite relevant and even understandable questions. I decided I would not only answer them....but share my answers with you.

Of course the Lord reveals "the one" to us in individual unique ways, since each one of us have unique and individual circumstances.

But, how does the Lord show us anything in our lives? He shows us through prayer, our authorities and His word. And certainly with something so huge as our life's mate I think He has a will concerning such a choice.

It was asked how we will be able to identify "the one" if we aren't able to get to know the person... Of course we can get to know him! But it first starts just as with any brother of Christ: on a careful sisterly/brotherly basic relationship.

I have been told by multiple couples that the best way to learn someone is to see how they handle the real life, day to day situations. Especially if you can BEFORE you are interested in each other and trying to impress the other individual. Seeing how the young man treats his mom is a tell tale sign of how he will treat his future wife. Many of the important issues can be best evaluated on a emotionless level.

For example:

Is he saved?

Is it apparent?

What is his relationships with his family and Pastor like?

What Bible does he believe in?

What's his worldview?

Could you possibly respect him?

Is he diligent in his work?

How does he spend his money?

What do other's think of him?

What's your best friend's opinion of him?

Does he meld well with your family?

Is he respectful of your Dad?

Who are his friends?

You can be quite sure of these things without ever giving your heart away. You don't have to share your thoughts and feelings with the guy to figure out these things. The easiest way to do this is to spend time as families....your family with his family. Obviously our families knows us best...we can't pretend to be someone we aren't with our family there. Same with him and his family. It's a safe and realistic outlook. Of course everyone's circumstances vary....but it's really the ideal.

THEN, if the things that are important to you meet your standards, and he expresses interest in you, that's when you seek God's revealing. He WILL show you. He knows your man! And He will be more than willing to show you either a “yes”, “no”, or “not yet”. He has always made it very clear for me.

That's also a benefit of being close to your protectors (ie: our fathers and if we have them: brothers.). They usually know "the guy" much better than we do....I have asked my brothers opinion on guys before. This way, no heart strings need ever to be attached or at risk of being severed later on.

This is pain free and purity guaranteed. :)

And then, when God does give us the "yes", then begins the journey of learning the person on a different level of relationship...courtship.

But that's a whole separate topic! I hope this was a blessing to you. When the Lord would have you identify your man, He will make it clear. There will be plenty of opportunity to share thoughts and values later on.

Be encouraged dear girls! Your hearts are worth protecting! Be careful for nothing...realize His thoughts toward you are good thoughts and numbered over the grains of the sand. He loves you and if marriage is in your life's plan, then certainly He will not keep you “in the dark” for forever.

Your man is saving his could we do less?


  1. You make some sound suggestions here, Toni. It really should be evident what a man's overall character is before a more serious relationship is pursued. I too believe that can be easily accomplished through observation and with the help of family and friends.
    I do want to put something out there (again--I hope you don't mind me stirring things up a bit in order to generate more thoughts and conversation--I think it's healthy). The question is this: what are your thoughts on the idea of there being "the one" man out there for you? You used this term so I'm questioning your definition thereof. There are different schools of thought on this topic and I've had many discussions on it with my single friends over the years. Some believe that if both the man and woman have a heart for God and apply Godly principles then you can marry anyone that falls within that criteria. There could be several men out there who could make suitable husbands if both hearts are submitted to God and willing to work things through in marriage. I know this is how Mrs. Jones sees it and she is someone I greatly admire and respect. Others firmly believe that there is only one perfect someone designed especially for you, which is a bit fairy tale-ish, but I admit I have thought that at certain times in my life. I'd like to hear your thoughts and the thoughts of your readers on this. It could be an interesting topic for a future post.
    Thank you,

  2. Toni, I enjoyed reading this and also believe you have made some very great points! Having families interact when you don't even know the young man's family, for example, can be difficult. I know that for you, most of the people you interact with are involved with your church, but living here in the Bay Area, young women meet all kinds of people in many different situations (school, work, through friends, etc.). When meeting someone new, the chances of having families meet and interact are rare and ususally doesn't happen until the couple is becoming more serious to where they want to meet one anothers' families. As for whether God has only One person selected for each of us, I would be interested if there is anything in the Bible that supports that, or where that thought comes from? I have always prayed for God to reserve the right man for Taylor, but now am wondering if there in fact could be different people out there that would be approved by God for her depending on where she is in her development, spiritual growth, etc. As Jana-Lee said, this could be an interesting topic for a future post!

  3. Ah ladies! I love this! I do enjoy when readers comment on how much they have been blessed, but I relish discussion! This is very good, and I am excited about writing back. I will soon. It actually goes with the next post I'm working on called "Holding Out For a Fairy Tale". This is perfect. I will be praying and working on a response this week. Don't give up on me. :) I'd also encourage other readers to share their thoughts. Thank you ladies. Will be writing soon!

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    1. For me, the idea of saying "The One" is just another way of saying "God's will for me", the man HE has chosen. Because I believe that God does have a detailed will. He has a definite opinion in this area, and even more than just an "opinion" but a very specific will. A plan. And a timing. As some have pointed out, yes, that will could very well be a call to singleness. But for most, I think it may be a specific person. The older I have gotten, the more I realize just how specific and personal my God is. He cares about the little details, with our time, our lives, more than we even give Him credit for. If He cares that one sparrow falls to the ground and yet, that sparrow does not fall without Him, how can we doubt that God doesn't care about this very important decision of our lives? He does. And I believe with all my heart, that He is more than able to show us His specific will, if we will but seek Him. The question is not so much whether God is able or not, but am I available? To Him. To His choice. To His timing of that choice. As to the idea that there is only one man in the entire world that I was made for, I don't know that I agree. That every single detail about me, would ONLY fit that one man... or that everything about him was made ONLY for me, I'm not so sure. I think about women, like Elisabeth Elliot, who was married and windowed multiple times. But in each of those certain times of her life, there was obviously only ONE man. [The Lord obviously isn't in favor of polygamy.] Love is a choice. And I want to fall in love with HIS choice.

  5. I loved this comment, Nay! You really put a good balance between the general idea of "the one" and the more specific point of God's perfect will for each person. Thank you!

  6. Perfect Nay! Loved your reply. I have been gathering some thoughts on this topic. It has never left my mind. Such an interesting topic! I might even dedicate a post to it. (I've been so busy finishing up my book "Maid Arise", and then defending courtship on the side, that this one has kind of been put on the side line. :) ). But I really would like to make a few points and get some feedback. SOON. Stay tuned. :)

  7. I decided to dedicate a separate post for my thoughts and answers. But I'd like to share a few thoughts here first.

    Before delving in, I'd like to say that perhaps I should have titled the post “The Best”, or “His Will”, for that is what I meant by “The One.”

    It is obvious that God does not condone polygamy and so with this knowledge we can be sure that there is one man that God foreknows will be our spouse.

    Of course there is the exception of widows (or widowers) that remarry, such as Elizabeth Elliot. In these cases it can be understood that the widow was made to be able to complement more than one man. In Elizabeth Elliot's case, three men! What a woman! God created her with the ability to be the helpmeet of three very different men. Jim Elliot was His best for Elizabeth for that time. Later, Addison Leitch was His best for her at that time. And even later on, Lars Gren was His best for her at that time. And lastly, permanent widowhood was His best for her at that time. He always had “the one” for her.

    One comment I'd like to address is --

    "There are different schools of thought on this topic and I've had many discussions on it with my single friends over the years. Some believe that if both the man and woman have a heart for God and apply Godly principles then you can marry anyone that falls within that criteria. There could be several men out there who could make suitable husbands if both hearts are submitted to God and willing to work things through in marriage.... Others firmly believe that there is only one perfect someone designed especially for you, which is a bit fairy tale-ish, but I admit I have thought that at certain times in my life."

    Let's take the first school of thought out of the marriage realm. How about the job realm? Say there are multiple opportunities to apply for several different jobs. Quite a few jobs fit within your criteria, (they are in your area of expertise, the hours are right, not a long commute, etc....). Each of them could make a suitable match. Does it matter which job you choose? As long as your heart is right and the job matches your criteria, God will most likely bless it.

    OR, there is the second school of thought where there are multiple job opportunities, and quite a few fit within your criteria. Humanly speaking, each of them could make a suitable match. But you believe that God cares about the details, knew you would be faced with multiple job choices, and already has a “best” picked out for you in His will. He knows which job He wants to use you in. So you leave it to Him by asking Him which one is best for you and follow His will. Out of the multiple jobs, you believe there is “one” that is His will for you...the best...or in other words, “the one”.

    That is where I stand on “the one” for me concerning marriage. It isn't fairy tale-ish but quite within the character of how God works.

  8. It would work within the realm of children.
    The children He gives you could either be random chance of personalities – a product of you and your husband's genetics. Or, you can choose to believe in God's care of detail in molding specific human beings for you. A child with needs that can be perfectly matched with the capabilities God has given you. If the Lord can be specific with your children, why not your man? Just as Eve was meant for Adam. This is your life partner. Wouldn't it make sense that He puts enough care and detail into something so magnanimous?

    No wonder girls become discouraged in waiting, if they believe they could possibly match 10+ guys. If any one of the guys could be equally blessed by God, then it puts a lot of responsibility on you to make the right choice.

    Is it fairy tale-ish to think that there is a man near my age that is like minded in the important issues; whose personality won't clash but compliment mine, who will someday meet me in my small sphere and be loved by all of my family? No, but maybe it's on the humanly impossible side of things! In which case, I am thankful I've abandoned my love life to God. For that is nothing for God! That is why I can rest and not worry.


  9. This radical abandonment of the love life can be applied with country girls from small-town areas, to city chic’s in the Bay Area. I have met all sorts of people, even in my small sphere. Most of the time my family knows them, but sometimes they don't. I have met people at dance performances, other churches, Taekwondo, Abolitionist activities, Sign Language classes, my doctors office,

    I believe Solomon is a good example.

    Gods Will – was to bless Solomon and to establish his kingdom forever. (1 Kings 9:4)

    The Condition – “If thou wilt walk before me, as David thy father walked, in integrity of heart, and in uprightness, to do according to all that I have commanded thee, and wilt keep my statues and my judgments... (v.4)

    The Promise – “there shall not fail thee a man upon the throne of Israel...” (v.5)

    The Consequence of Disobedience – “But if ye shall at all turn from following me...and will not keep my commandments and my statues which I have set before you...then will I cut off Israel out of the land which I have hallowed for my name, and this house will I cast out of my sight, and Israel shall be a proverb and a byword among all people.” (v.7)

    It is possible to turn from His will and not accept His best, and choose our own way. Solomon did. (1 Kings 11:1). And God kept His promise and rent the kingdom. There will be consequences.

    God does have a will for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11) and I believe this includes details (ie: where we live, who or if we marry, how we educate ourselves, how we serve Him, what church we attend),

    By following after Him we will be following His will. We will marry His choice for us. And the promise? There shall not fail thee a man. :) We will have His best.

    (Of course this does not mean that the rare cases of people called to life-long singleness are suffering consequences of disobedience!).

    If we turn from His will, we will be settling for 2nd best. It is possible! In any area of our Christian life. Marriage is not excluded.

    I honestly am unsure how this works. If I am unfaithful and turn, what happens to “my best”? The guy the Lord's will it was for me to marry?

    Does “the best” or “the one” now have to marry 2nd best because of my disobedience? I humbly acknowledge the fact that I don't know. Maybe it's different for every circumstance.

    I do know in other ares of life, our actions do cause consequences, not only hurting us, but others as well.

    I also know that Jesus rewards faithfulness, and if “the best” has remained faithful, the Lord cannot go back on His word – He will give this person His best.

    We, as the disobedient child, will be missing out on His best.

    I am unsure how it all works, but the Bible says “I will surely rend the kingdom from thee, and will give it to thy servant.” (1Kings 11:11).

    God rent “the best” from Solomon, and gave it to another. An interesting thought.

    Like in all mistakes, with a repentant heart, Jesus can still bless our lives after we have made “2nd-best-decisions. But Jesus has a will. He has a best, it's just a matter of will we choose His way, or ours.