After yesterday's post I wanted to ask your opinion. Yes -- you, the readers.
To share, please comment on this post.
"You have trusted Him in a few things, and He has not failed you. Trust Him now for everything, and see if He does not do for you exceeding abundantly above all that you could ever have asked or thought, not according to your own mighty power or capacity, but according to His own mighty power, that will work in you all the good pleasure of His most blessed will. You find no difficulty in trusting the Lord with the management of the universe and all the outward creation, and can your case be any more complex or difficult than these, that you need be anxious or troubled about His management of it?" ~ Hannah Whitall Smith, Joy and Strength, 211
I'm glad you asked for comments, Toni, because I wasn't sure if I should comment or not. I have some very definite thoughts on this subject and many others to do with singleness, but I realise that I'm coming from a different perspective than you are and have no wish to be an offence by being too opinionated.
ReplyDeleteLet me say this, being single in your 20s is very different from being single in your 30s. Not everyone gets to that point so it's not really fair for me to even point that out in some senses, but it is no less a reality for quite a few of us.
The idea of "heartstrings" or giving your heart away...I've been pondering this a lot and for a very long time because I've had a number of situations where that concept has been very prevalent. One thing I'd like to point out is that I don't believe you can give your heart away piece by piece because it is essentially one whole thing. You either have given your heart to God or you haven't. You don't give him bits and pieces. I know that terminology is used, but when you look in the Bible it's not really that way. The heart is a whole entity in itself. It's not like an engine that is comprised of various parts all put together. I don't know if I'm making any sense. Maybe it will help if I add a paragraph from a book I've been working on. It speaks of the concept of the heart and the capacity for enlargement thereof.
Several years ago I experienced the crushing pain and disappointment of losing a relationship that was very near and dear to me and we had hoped would culminate in marriage. It was not meant to be. The pain of loss, disappointment and separation is excruciating and lasts a long time (at least in my case it did). One thing out of the many things I learned from that experience is that the human heart has great capacity for healing and enlarging when I allow the Spirit of God to use such experiences in that way. As a free willed person I have the full right to choose not to allow the healing Balm of Gilead to soothe and strengthen, but that is really my choice. God always wants us to choose to open our hearts rather than close them. It is commonly known and talked about—even sung—about that pain can cause one to fear ever loving again. There are many songs written about that need to shut oneself off from ever loving again because it hurts too much. I think most of us can see how wrong that thinking is, but can we also see that the idea parceling up our hearts into “pieces” and only giving a little bit is also just as wrong. I believe that God allows these pains and losses to expand our hearts and make more room for more love. It is His love that ultimately should fill us and flow out to others. God doesn’t reserve little parts of His love for each one of us, but rather gives each one ALL of it. Every single one of us has access to the complete immensity of God’s heart and God’s love. Should we not offer the same to others then? The idea of saving your heart for “the man you marry” is potentially robbing others of the gift of your heart and your trust and your love. Of course one must choose wisely whom to give the deeper levels of intimacy to and not every single person you meet is worthy of your complete trust. However, you every person you meet is worthy of being loved with Christ’s love and we have no right to withhold that. It is something to be approaching prayerfully and with a spirit of submission to the Holy Ghost and not to our own feelings.
I guess what I'm trying to point out is that God can sometimes send relationships that are not meant for marriage, but are no less valid and real and He can use those things to strengthen and deepen us. We must be careful not to shut ourselves off from those opportunities under the guise of "guarding our heart". Yes, the heart must be kept diligently, but not shut off.
I think I've said more than enough for now.
Dear Jana,
DeleteI appreciate your comment! I enjoy getting feedback. I also feel privileged to have you share your thoughts...I realize I AM a young lady and could be shortsighted in such issues such as singleness. Your wisdom and advice is quite appreciated.
I will pray about what you have shared and will reply soon. You've given me a lot to think about.
Okay....so I would like to comment on what you shared Jana. I am more than willing to agree to disagree...but I did want to point some things out.
ReplyDeleteSo, you mentioned you don't believe you can give your heart away, piece by piece. Perhaps my definition is different than yours?
We can look at giving our heart to Jesus for an example. When I was a young girl I "gave my heart" to Jesus. He saved me....all of me. As I grew older I learned that I am not my own, but bought with a price...and He expected much more than just my trust in salvation. He wanted to be my friend. He wanted to be my meditations. He wanted to be my purpose for living. This required much "more" than I had given Him. He didn't ask for my everything all at once. He knew how selfish and slow I am....and so He asked for one thing at a time...I learned to trust Him with my time. Later I gave Him my media. Still later my health. All little "parts" of my heart that needed surrendering.
Now for earthly relationships -- I am convinced that to love someone means we are vulnerable, open and real... And I realize that it is obvious that our future man is not the only person we are allowed to love. Jesus gives us many other relationships in our lives (ie: Parents, siblings, and friends). But I really do believe that there is no other relationship that can be compared to our spouse. We will become one flesh with this person....he will have more of our heart than any other human being possibly can.
If we owned some property and we allowed someone an easement onto our property they would have access to it. We can do the same thing with our hearts. And it's not bad in all cases! Allowing access to our hearts with our family and dear friends is a healthy thing. Just as you mentioned in your book, that we are to have an open heart. It's true, it's how we've been created. It's a good thing. But there is a balance. In the end we will give over our title of our property to our future spouse. Until then there's the choosing of who get's easements to our heart (or what I previously called sewing heart-strings).
ReplyDeleteEvery man does not deserve access to our heart. Of course we can love people with Christ's love. But that isn't what I'm talking about. Guarding our purity is not robbing others of the gift of our heart....our heart is a gift, yes, but not for every man.
Maybe pieces of our heart is too confusing of terminology...but I hope you understand what I am saying. Communication is an easement to our hearts. (What I've been calling a heart-string). When we share our thoughts with someone, when we tell them what they mean to us, whether that be through written, oral, or body language....we are opening up an easement. Sewing a heartstring. Giving a piece of our heart to someone. It isn't a bad thing! It's the WHO that matters.
You are right. We have no reason to withhold Christ's love from anyone. We can do this while still guarding our purity. Yet, why wouldn't we hug or kiss every guy we know? Isn't this withholding Christ's love? Of course you would agree that no....this isn't withholding Christ's love. Hugging and kissing is an expression of love, an easement to our heart, a part of our heart, a heartstring. Would it be wrong to hug or kiss our Dad? No. So it's the WHO that matters. We are saving that expression, that easement, that part, that heartstring, for our future spouse. And that is guarding our heart with all diligence.
Also, I totally agree that God sends relationships that are not meant for marriage. Jesus has allowed several different relationships into my life in order to teach me trust and to teach the other person also. I once said here on the blog:
ReplyDelete." Maybe He has allowed that person to be attracted to you so they may learn purity of heart and giving up desires and distractions...and you are just the object lesson. Maybe you are the only “safe” young woman that He could use...He trusts that you will be a sister in Christ who cherishes that persons purity and will at all costs defend it. Even if it costs you the pleasure of being admired. Maybe He trusts you to defend their purity from your own fleshly desire. Maybe it isn't about us after all."
My heart has been at stake. I've sewn heartstrings incorrectly before. You and many other women's hearts have been in the same situation. Praise the Lord that your relationship has taught you so many beautiful lessons and has grown you closer to Him! He doesn't make mistakes. Your relationship was obviously used for good.
I don't think it is too high of a goal to save the title of your heart for your man. When we give easements to our heart with men we are not too far away from giving up the title. That's why it's dangerous and foolish. There have been times in my life where I (even subconsciously) began to allow easements to my heart....and the godly man was such a gentleman that he didn't even encroach. But not every man is like that! We have to be diligent. I want to be one of the ladies that when a young man makes the mistake of allowing me access to his heart I can guard his heart and mine by denying the privilege and not encroaching. Hence my post on Heartstrings. :)
The Bible has many examples of men who partially gave their hearts to the Lord. I was pointed to several kings in the Bible who did that which was right in the sight of the Lord....save.....one little thing that they would hold on to. Usually the high places. Or you will see men such as Caleb and Joshua who "wholly" followed after the Lord. (Num. 32:12). I believe it is possible to give partially. Whether we call it giving only pieces of our heart....or sewing heartstrings....I think it is possible. Hence the commandment to love the Lord with all our heart (Matthew 22:37). If we are told to give all then it may be a possibility that we are capable of giving only parts. And if so, we need to remain diligent.
I hope this was a blessing and not a bunch of vain ramblings. I love you Jana, and appreciate your willingness to share. Thank you for taking the time to do that.
A young lady recently contacted me and wrote the following. I asked if I could share on the blog and she gave me permission. Thought I would share:
ReplyDeleteAbout guarding ones heart… I believe if you have opened up yourself to a relationship that is not God honoring you wouldn't really be keeping your heart with diligence and therefore there would be no way you could be guarding your heart.
On the side of trying to walk with the Lord and guarding your heart… I do not believe one can have a close relationship with a guy without one or both parties getting emotionally involved. I’m not saying you can’t be friends with a guy, but having heart to heart conversations is something else altogether. Maybe everyone is different, but I think relationships with guys whom we do not intend to marry should be approached very cautiously. Spending regular, in depth time together could potentially be dangerous. Even if you don’t have feelings for the guy, how do you know he feels or doesn’t feel the same way? And this is where I believe your heart could “leap out and run away with you, without your consent,” as you so aptly put it. Our flesh is not to be trusted and deeper feelings for the opposite gender is God-given and natural, but can be a threat to us, if we don’t protect our hearts for the one God has for us. Samson is a prime example of this. He was obviously spending too much time with, and tying heartstrings with the wrong people, which led to him always giving his heart away to women who eventually contributed to his destruction. It says in Judges 16:18, “And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart…..[she said] Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart.”
In regards to the question about whether it’s possible to give pieces of your heart away… I was talking to my dad the other day and he said `` Of course we should give God our whole hearts and not hold any pieces back, but sometimes it’s a growing thing… and a slow process.`` I`ve been reading in the Kings in my Bible, and one of the things that keeps showing up is that some of the kings served the Lord, but not with all their heart… They had given God pieces but not the whole thing. And then in Hosea 10:2 it talks about having a divided heart. Of course this is never in a good light, as the Lord wants all of our heart!
So I guess with that, I’m trying to say that the foundation of the whole matter is God completely having our heart. If He has our heart, He can steer us away from wrong relationships. If He has our heart, we will be careful not to tie heartstrings to the wrong people or influences. If He has our heart, we will be sensitive to His voice as He guides us. And if He has our heart, He will make it clear to us when the “right one” does come along.
~ A sister in Christ
Thank you, Toni, for all of your thoughts. I do appreciate you taking the time to explain so thoroughly where you're coming from. Clearly I didn't take the same amount of time and probably gave the wrong impression. I was in a hurry and had already been putting off responding, but really wanted to comment on the whole idea of "heartstings" and "pieces of your heart". I believe that it's more a matter of definitions of words and terminology because at the heart of it (no pun intended ) I think we believe pretty much the same. The only difference is in our experiences thus far, which are bound to be different because we're different people with different lives!
ReplyDeleteI believe our sister in Christ summed it up well, "that the foundation of the whole matter is God completely having our heart. If He has our heart, He can steer us away from wrong relationships. If He has our heart, we will be careful not to tie heartstrings to the wrong people or influences. If He has our heart, we will be sensitive to His voice as He guides us."
This is the principle I was driving at, but not saying very well.
I guess one of the things that I was trying to counteract through my comments was due to my own upbringing. When I was younger the only answer to the "problem" of getting involved with a guy that you shouldn't be was to simply not have anything to do with males period. Just avoid talking to them or engaging in any way and you'll be "safe". My authority meant well, but what it ended up doing is causing me to think of myself as primarily an object of sexual interest to men and the only way to protect myself from their “evilness” was to avoid them. It also robbed me of the ability to approach them as the human beings that they are with some of the same thoughts and feelings as I have. . I battled this especially once I reached the age of eligibility. It was hard to know the difference because I'd never learned how to have a proper kind of relationship with my brothers in Christ because we simply were supposed to avoid each other. It created this great divide that I have striven to cross until I’ve finally found an equal footing in it. I've since learned that I can have a deep and meaningful friendship with someone of the opposite sex and it doesn't have to be improper. I'm not saying it can't be improper...it just doesn't have to be. That's where giving God my heart first comes in. If He has it then He can guide and direct it and the Holy Spirit can check me when I get out of line--and He has done so many times. It's a walk of faith.
I understand the principle of growing and the sense in which we are not "whole heartedly" given to the Lord the first time we say it or pray it. Yet, in that moment of surrender, there is a sense in which, to the best of our knowledge, we are giving all. We just don't know that there is more still to come because God is merciful and doesn't demand more than He knows we are capable of giving. My point was simply that the key is in Who has your heart to start with. I know that's a lot easier to say than it is in reality. I suppose the best similarity I can come up with is the difference between justification and sanctification. Once you accept Christ you can't "un-accept" Him. You're His forever. Now, you still have to grow and learn and be "sanctified", which happens over the course of time and includes many ups and downs. But the initial transaction of salvation happens only once, and then we daily surrender to Him for our ongoing walk. I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but there is a distinction in my mind. I feel as though I would need a lot more time to clearly explain what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated what you have said in the past and more recently about a young man being "safe" with you; the idea of his heart being protected by us as ladies. I think that's more along the lines of what I am getting at. The point is not to completely remove the temptation, but to learn how to surrender my earthly desires to the Lord in exchange for a more pure and heavenly desire, which is Christ and His kind of love which always seeks to give rather than to get. Our love is inherently selfish. We are called to learn a new kind of love which is sacrificial.
I want to reiterate that I don’t “disagree” with what you’re saying about heartstrings and the like. I have only endeavoured to challenge you and your readers to thinking even more deeply on the issue because it is multifaceted.
Another point I wish to make (and then I’m done, I promise ) is the many times you reference “my man” as if you know that he is for sure out there and you are meant to be married. Perhaps you do know this because God has revealed it to you and far be it from me to discourage you in that. I have no wish to do that. I also, personally have no liberty to live in the future like that and I’ve spoken with other single ladies, or formerly single ladies who said the same thing. Even one who is now married said she never had liberty to pray for her future husband more than a couple of times when she was single because she felt that God wanted her to learn to be content with just Him and not put her hopes in some nebulous future man. All I wish to point out is that should “he” never come along would you (and I’m speaking generally to all single ladies) be able to be content simply being the bride of Christ? For me personally, I believe God has called me to lifelong singleness and I rejoice in that. I realize that it’s the exception and not the rule and that the majority of people will probably marry at one time or another and I appreciate you trying to encourage young ladies in this noble calling. However, what if life turns out differently? I am not coming at this from any kind of cynicism or bitterness, for I have long moved past that and indeed did not linger very long in that place of despair. It was merely a brief stage along the way. I really have come to accept my life as full and rich and complete because I have the best Husband in the world and with Him I lack nothing! Just as an example, my dad said to me yesterday, with the purest of motives coming from a loving father’s heart, he said: “I want you to have a man who will adore you and treat you the way you deserve.” I countered, “I already do! And He already does!” This is the thinking, even among those closest to me that I find I have to challenge on a regular basis because people assume things. I’m here to say that I am MORE THAN FINE to remain single until I die! It is a gift from God and I accept it gladly. If He were to change things and give me the gift of marriage then I just might have to prayerfully submit to accepting a different gift because I’m so tickled by the one I have right now. I don’t know if I can really explain it any better than that, but I’m here to say that it is possible.
ReplyDeleteI know the above digresses slightly from the original intention of these comments, but they’ve been burning in me for quite a while and I so I hope you’re okay with me being so bold in my statements. It’s not exactly common, nor is it popular. I don’t wish to offend, but hope to encourage because there may be another young lady out there who can find complete peace and contentment in being whole and single and having meaningful, albeit Spirit guided, relationships with both genders and it truly can be good and wholesome and fulfilling. God knows what and whom we need in our lives and at what times. I have a chapter in my book devoted to “Brother, Friends and Lovers”. Marriage is not the only means by which we can feel that closeness if our first love is always the Lord. He is jealous and won’t allow anyone to be closer than He is.
Thank you for this forum by which I can express some of the things that have been burning in my heart for a long time. It has helped spur me on in the writing of my book.
Your Friend and Sister
Oh Jana,
ReplyDeleteI love you. :)
I think we were stuck on some terminology. I believe we are both more on the same page than we originally believed.
As far as your new subject.... :) I do have the liberty to speak of "my man" because the Lord has promised me that He is "keeping" him. So I know I will be married someday. When, I have no idea. And I can relate to your friend who was only allowed to pray for her man a few times. I have not been limited in my prayers for "him", but the Lord did ask me not to write letters to "him". Which is sweet....the Lord wants me to reserve that part of myself for Him. I write to the Lord in my diary all the time.
Not all women have been promised marriage. But you are right, the call to lifetime singleness is an exception, and I believe that unless otherwise called to such a rare (yet beautiful) calling, we can assume that we are one day going to be a helpmeet for a man.
I think there is prudence in asking, if God never brought me my hearts desire, would I be satisfied with Him? The Lord probably has brought every woman to this place at some point in their lives. He has in mine. I believe I can honestly say that I could be content to be His bride for the rest of my life. It's been beautiful being His Beloved thus far! I don't know how many more years I have to be only His. It's a precious time, and I can see why you would be loathe to leave it.
I appreciate you pointing this out. And the fact that you can do that without being in a place of bitterness. You ARE rich and complete in Him! You know, I think if someone asked me if I had been called to singleness I would say "Today I am". And smile. Singleness is beautiful. Nothing to be ashamed of in the least. And I can imagine, being single isn't really "popular" in our day and age. (Especially a virgin and single). I can't even imagine what kind of comments you get from being called to a lifelong singleness. I think that most young woman are discouraged because of their time of singleness -- they are melancholy, without purpose, confused what to do with their time after girlhood and before marriage. I want to encourage them. But you are right. What if you never marry? What then? I think it's almost an entire subject altogether. And yet the same principles still apply. To find contentment in Christ. To seek Him in what to pursue. To seek to be a virtuous woman. To serve others and ignore self.
I am more than okay with you sharing your "burning" thoughts. I'm thrilled. It's a good subject. Maybe I'll devote a post to it. Or maybe I should get a guest writer to write about it for me....someone that has been wishing to express these things that have been "burning" in her heart.... (hint hint).