Spiritual Lessons

  Are We Waiting for Prince Charming?

I recently shared with you the pros and cons of having a Future Husband List, and even shared what kind of man I pray for.  Too often we women become disappointed with the Christian men around us and we compromise our dreams of marrying a godly and pure man.

But recently I read a post that made me realize that sometimes we women can also be so focused on what we hope our man to be, that we dream up unrealistic fantasies and discourage our brothers.  The author in the post "Which Comes First - a woman's respect, or a man's godly leadership?" shares how we woman do great harm to godly young men by our zealous desires of finding the perfect man.

We young woman need to be careful in our attitudes.  It is prudent to pray for our man, with a humble attitude that desires to be made into a virtuous woman.  Our men will be human.  They will have flaws.  Not just now, but even during courtship...even after marriage.

Girls seem to have it wrong, either way.  We either compromise our standard and throw out dreams of marrying a righteous man.  Or, we dream up a fictitious super man that every man we've met fails to meet.

So how do we be balanced in this area?

A man that is saved and has a relationship with the Lord is obviously crucial.  But what about other things we deem crucial, such as financial faithfulness, leadership, vision, godly manhood, spiritual maturity?

They are important, but just as we are maturing, we must remember that they too are learning and growing.

We look to godly older men as examples, or biblical characters for role models.  But it's imperative to understand that the young man we will marry will not be a perfect example of Caleb.  And he most definitely will not have had the experience and wisdom of an older man.  How would we feel if our man expected us to have equal maturity of his mother, the wisdom of Deborah and the spirituality of his Pastor's wife?

Sometimes financial faithfulness begins with a desire to be faithful.  It might mean the big things at first.  Then later on the small purchases.  Leadership might express itself by making wise decisions in life, not a stereotypical take-charge attitude. A visionary man may not begin with a multi-generational plan.  He may only know the first step God wants from him.  Manliness is learned, not achieved by becoming a certain age.  We did not become virtuous women by turning 21.  It's a constant lesson -- godly manhood is as well. A godly man in the making may look different than the ideal man we've imagined.

We should pray for our future man, and for our brothers in Christ.  It's not wrong to pray for a lion of a man.  But we can't look down on the young lions and dismiss them as under-par simply because they are young and learning.  Obviously I would never advocate marrying a man who is less than what God would have us marry, just because he is probably "learning and growing and needs a little grace."  Never.  If anything I am more extreme on the other side.

But if we were focused on who God wants us to become, and humbly prayed for our men to be who He wants to be in them, then we should have no worries.  We can pray for kingly attributes but our men will be knights in training.  Just as we are rare rubies in training.   Let's pray for our men.  They will be leaders, and carry the weight of leading in today's sick world.  And they are human, with faults and frailties.  Just as we will be their helpmeets, their encouragers, standing by their side in this sin-sick world.  And we are human, with faults and frailties.

We never have to compromise.  But we also can expect the best without fantasizing a perfect.

Related:


     Holding Out For a Fairy Tale

  The One    

                                 










The Dream You Hold

 

A Future Husband List

Spiritual Lessons

While growing up, have you ever known girls who made their "future husband lists"?  I knew a few.  The first time I considered doing one was after I read Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin's list in their book "So Much More".  (Highly recommend that book!)

Since then I've also talked to young women who think having a "list" is a silly foolish thing to do.  I recently had a discussion about the pros and cons to having a list and why I do.  I thought I would share with you some of these thoughts.

A Future Husband List

Good Idea or No?

Having requirements and hopes has been such a help to me.  In the past, if I wondered about a certain young man I was able to keep myself level headed because I could compare him to my honest hopes and expectations.  It's amazing what can be "justified" when we feel like we are interested in someone!  More recently it has helped me to realize what type of woman I need to be if I expect such a husband.  Plus it has given me specific things to pray for my man. My "list" isn't a shopping list with requirements, but more of a prayer for my future man.

It's a personal thing to share, but I think I would like to share that prayer with you.  To encourage you and to maybe inspire you to do the same!

My Prayer for My Man

• I pray that You Jesus will save him and You assure him of his salvation.
• That You create a real and evident mature relationship with You in him.
• That You would make it his certain conviction that the KJV is the English translation of the Word of God and that You would establish correct doctrinal beliefs in his heart.
• That without a shadow of a doubt, You would be first in his heart, then family, the the church, then country.
• That You create him to be a man I can respect naturally.
• That You give him Your love for children and make him instinctively a protective man who considers children, not offspring or burdens, but human lives to mold, and blessings with a desire to raise as many or as few as You tell us and to be open minded about adopting and to commit our childrens training to You.
• That You would give him a burning desire to be financially faithful and that You would make him a better steward with money than I am. But that You'd give him a sensitive and generous heart.
• Jesus, I pray that You'd instill my man with a vision. Something he can even pass down to his children. Something that You can (and please will) equip me to encourage and help him attain. Something that furthers Your kingdom in some way. Something greater than he alone can achieve, but needs You (and me :) ) to strengthen him in. Something I can cheerfully follow knowing it is Your will.
• Please give him an irreproachable character. Noticeable fruit. Make him a man in my father's eyes.
• Please establish a strong Christian worldview, making him at least one step ahead of me in politics and education.
• Please mold him into a man that can easily meld into my family and gain their hearts.
• Please give him an enthusiasm and deep appreciation for godly music. And an enjoyment of singing.
• Please establish habitual humility. And a frankness, and reality in his personality. Please establish Your confidence in Him, Holy Spirit. And an appreciation and ability to distinguish real beauty and modesty.
• Jesus I ask that You create a strong sense of manliness in him. Confidence. Leadership. That anyone who sees him would know without a doubt – there's a man. Please convict him now of any childish or effeminate ways.
• And Father, please, with all my heart I desire and pray that You give him a passionate desire to be healthy for You and his family's sake. That he would be well balanced in this issue and inspire me to be also. That he would appreciate that attribute about me.
• I pray that You would give him a sweet gentleman's heart and that a chivalrous nature would be a desire, ever before him, to attain.
• I pray, and with full assurance know, You will make him into a Spiritual leader who desires to pray with me, inspire me and lead me forward. A man who habitually reads good authors and enjoys a healthy spiritual diet and meditates on Phil. 4:8 “food”. Someone who holds this standard as important...even imperative.
• A man who can laugh and cry. A man who desires to express his emotions without embarrassment.
• A good work ethic.
• Someone unafraid to spend quality one on one time with me and enjoys it, craves it and makes the effort to do so.
• Please give him a hospitable heart.
• I give You the choice whether to establish a steady, command or visionary dominance in his character. You know best. But Father, would you please allow him to have some adventurous spirit?
• Also, I ask that You would keep him from becoming obsessed with sports. And that You would give Him a love for some of the same passions I have. And an acceptance of Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday celebrating.
• And a few hopes – that he would dance with me. Not afraid of showing affection towards me, even publicly, that he would crave wooing my heart. That he would enjoy health. He would be a Psalm 112 man. A perfect man (Ps.37). And a non-conformist Caleb.
• That You would teach me to be a woman worthy of such a man, and show me ways to start honoring him right now.   

I would just like to encourage you that there are godly men out there. It can be discouraging to feel like the godly male species is extinct.  But I know several godly good young men.  And what is better -- if we have a God who has destined us to be helpmeets, He must have a godly man handpicked for you.

This worry seems to be a widespread discouragement to Christian girls.  But we have to remember how big our God is.  If He is sufficient in creating a universe, He definitely is able to create and keep a godly man for you.  Our duty is to be faithful in what He has called us to.  With our focus and attention on Him and His kingdom, our singlhood years will be profitable and useful, and certainly not a bore.

The world sees singlhood as "standby".  We are unmarried because we are abnormally sheltered or prudish, self righteous girls with naive goals.   The church wonders at us and feels sympathetic to our plight.  "Don't worry, Prince Charming is right around the corner."

Are we on standby?  Is singlehood a plight?  Or a stage to survive?  Certainly not!  We are kept as treasures.  We do wait for one man, and one man only.  But singlehood is a beautiful productive season of womanhood.  We are not half-persons.  We are not broken.  We are not waiting for life to begin.  Paul even called this time a "better" than married life.  (1 Cor. 7).  It's to be embraced.  Prince Charming might not be around the corner.  Who knows what God has in store for your life.  Even those of us who are certain we are called to be wives someday, have no idea when "someday" is.  What if He has work for you to do as a single until you are 35?  Should this cause anxiety?  Not at all.  He purposes and plans.  We faithfully obey.

  We are to do our man good all our days. (Proverbs 31:12).  It's possible.  We are not to pine for him, worry over his existence, or hunt him down.  Our duty is to do him good.  Praying for him would be a good start.


 

The Dream You Hold

Spiritual Lessons 

The Dream You Hold 

Thoughts and Encouragement on Purity

"He loves me, he loves me not...he loves me, he loves me not...”

Did you ever learn as a little girl the silly plucking of flower petals to see if a guy “liked” you? Of course it proved nothing and only resulted in a naked flower. But today, as young women we tend to still “pluck petals” in our imagination. Strong feelings follow. We battle between our emotions, our desire for purity, and guilt if we've fallen short. A constant battle for even us Christian girls.

Many of us Christian singles hold onto a hope of a certain someone. I would like to offer some encouragement in this.

Firstly, I want to hearten you in the fact that it is quite human and natural to admire someone. Most likely you cannot manually change your feelings. You can't help but be attracted to him. It's okay. We don't have to beat ourselves up because we are attracted to someone.

If this man is your future man, you don't have to worry – God is a perfect orchestrator. If He handles the universe, He can handle the details and timing of your relationships.

Our attraction can be viewed as something to keep ourselves cheerfully dependent on Jesus. This guy is a cross in a way. As with any cross we let Jesus do the carrying. We simply accept it.

With Him as our head, we have someone to keep us accountable. We can safely trust Him with our heart and tell Him when those strong feelings come up. He is our outlet. We can pour those feelings into His hands and He will deal with them. He will take every emotion, the natural, the evil or the innocent.

We can also remember, that Jesus loves that man more than we do. We can pray for him and trust Jesus to guide him and not have to feel anxious over anything. We don't have any responsibility in nurturing our relationship with that person. If we follow Jesus and allow Him to rule our heart, our path will be pure and right and best. Jesus can choose whether or not to allow our relationship to turn into anything deeper than friendship. We don't have to woo or prove or “reel in” or keep track or make sure of anything! It's ultimately Jesus' responsibility, and secondly it will be the man's responsibility to initiate anything.  

Secondly, what is our part? To follow Jesus. To remain faithful in what He has called us to do today. We are on an adventure of singlehood right now and He is just as involved and interested in it as in our future marriage. Life isn't waiting...we're living it right now! And He has a plan for our 'right now'. He desires to use us. Are we distracted or are we totally willing and running after Him?

It's okay to have a hope. Without any intentions on your part you may have found yourself suddenly admiring this young man. I understand that you don't want to pine away. To hold your breath. To be silly or giddy. You want Jesus first in your life.

Perfect. That's all He needs. He can do the rest.

This young man is not ours. Even if he is our future spouse, his isn't ours yet. If our heart has selfishly stamped “mine” on anything or anyone we can be sure we've taken our focus off of Him. There's freedom from the tyranny of self in all aspects, not just in this. Just as with every other thing in this earth, this young man belongs to Jesus. Even if Jesus promised him to you. He is still Jesus' son, and we have no right to a child of God. Even if he someday is ours, he will still be a gift... Even if this man is given to you someday, he truly will still belong to the Lord. Acknowledging that fact is freeing.

We also must remember we aren't fighting our hope, and ignoring it or telling ourselves we must throw it away, but simply desiring His will over our own and surrendering our dream to Him.  

  And lastly, what if the Lord does take him away? Hasn't He taken away things before in our lives? Though there was temporary bleeding and pain didn't the joy of being fully His far outweigh the ache? The same in this dear dream. We don't need to fear where He will take us or what He plans to do with this young man. It's so natural to tremble at the thought of pain. If Jesus told us “No...this man is never going to be yours” it would be painful, but the sacrifice does not need to be feared. You and I both know that if He asked there would be no other alternative in our heart. We could burn our hope on the alter. He would provide the grace.

No rival in our heart. No possession. He might ask us to make an Issac sacrifice. He might not. Either way we can trust Him.

True love would allow any baser love to be extinguished. To hope that our future will include this man is not evil, but we also know that true love for him would want God's best for this man over any dream we might hold.

Over analyzing and cross examining our intentions and emotions never helps. We can simply accept it. But we shouldn't only accept our cross but insist that it works our death. It isn't really a cross if we're unwilling to be crucified and completely yielded. Reassuringly, we will not be left hanging there forever. After any spiritual death always comes a resurrection. We don't have to fear. We know He loves us and will work all together for our good – whether that includes this man or not.

Hold up your hands unclenched – palms up and wide. Laying there is your dream, a small and shining hope. You can't rid yourself of it but you don't have to claim it either. If He asks, you will place it on the alter and burn it permanently. Humbly bow and hold it up before Him. He will decide. Even if He doesn't answer for years. You are exactly where He wants you. The young man is only benefited by your true love and prayers for him. Your relationship with Jesus will deepen. It's okay to hold a dream... but with hands opened wide.