Missing: Biblical 101 on Guy Friends

Spiritual Lessons

Dear 21st Century Maiden,

Why weren't we ever given a manual on how to treat guys?  Why isn't there a "Guy Relationship 101" in Scripture?  Is it really supposed to be this complex?

These are questions I've asked myself recently.  And I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.  I think we'd all agree that boundaries with guys makes sense.  There's the appearance of evil factor, the fact that Love seeketh not her own and vaunteth not herself, and the desire to set up our brothers to succeed.  If we know that certain things cause inevitable downfalls, we will steer clear away from those things out of love for our guy friends.

But what about the not-so-clear issues?  The "gray areas"?  The constant mysteries --  How often?  How long?  In what settings?

Jesus must have known that each situation would be different.  That each individual would be different.  Because of this, He purposefully didn't give us regulations on our relationships with the opposite gender.

Here are some things I've decided to consider:

1. Am I setting up my brother in Christ to fail?  This could apply to how we dress, how we talk to him, how often we write, how we say something -- the list goes on.  If it's questionable, we should give it some thought and prayer.

2. Would I recommend this behavior to someone else?  If we know this would be wrong for someone else, it might be worth checking into for ourselves.  Of course, just because it is wrong for one person doesn't mean it is for us -- but it's a good reality check.

3. What about my heart?  This is a tricky one.  Just because we're sharing our heart doesn't mean we are committing the unpardonable sin.  We will share our heart with our friend.  Everyone shouldn't be our friend, but those who are, will know and share our heart.  If we have a friend who is a guy, we will share some of our heart -- and that's okay.  That's what friends do.  A biblical mandate against friendship with a guy does not exist.

As women though, we have to be diligent in guarding our heart.  We are responders.  If someone initiates we naturally respond.  We were created to abandon our heart to one man and to be his helpmeet until "death do us part".  It's ingrained into us.  There is nothing more natural in the world than to pledge our heart to someone.  It's beautiful and godly -- if done in His time and in His way.  If we are sharing our heart with someone who has not committed himself to us, we better be alert.  We are in a situation that calls for diligence and care.

He is a friend.  And if he hasn't promised anything else, than that is all he is: a friend.  We have no right, no obligation, no loyalty, no privileges and no prerogative towards him.  He is still our friend and there is nothing to differentiate us between any other girl friend of his.  Even if we feel differently.  We still must act like a friend until something more than friendship has been declared.

I'm not negating that we won't feel more than a friend towards one of our guy friends.  And that's okay. Those feelings are real and need to be addressed, not ignored.  Denying them won't make them go away.  It's an inevitable part of life for any girl.  But to act on that feeling would be treading on dangerous grounds.  And why?  Firstly, because which one of us wants to encourage a relationship into forming that God didn't intend?   Personally I desire for my man to fall in love with me for me -- not because I coaxed him into it.  Not because I rashly acted on a fleeting passion.  Feelings can be deceitful and temporary and incredibly powerful.  To act on any feeling should first be given thought.  And secondly, when a girl acts on her feelings she is in essence pledging herself.  We are forming attachments.  Some attachment might be perfectly innocent.  But we must take into consideration -- are we setting up ourselves to fail in purity?

4. What about my brothers?  Would I be okay with girls treating them how I treat my brother in Christ?  Obviously I wouldn't want every girl I know to be my brothers friend.  But that aside, would I be okay with godly girl friends giving my brothers the same attention that I do to my guy friends?
 If not, we should stop and examine ourselves.  This isn't a perfect rule, but again, a good reality check.  For example, if we'd be upset that a girl was texting our brother, maybe we should consider whether it's alright for us to text our guy-friends.  Just because we'd be okay with something doesn't logically make it alright -- but if we are uncomfortable for our brothers to be treated one way, it might be good to question whether it's alright for us to treat anyone that way.

5. My conclusion:  If we can make it down such a list and still find our position in good conscience then I think we can proceed with prayer and humility.  Sometimes I double-guess myself and wonder and analyze and worry.  I think -- well, I don't think I am setting up my brother to fail, but what if I'm wrong?  I would only recommend this to some people not all -- so is it therefore wrong?  I'm not acting on my feelings, but I do find myself enjoying this person and growing fond of them and desiring their company.  And, I would only be okay with some girls treating my brothers this way, not all of them -- am I wrong?

In such a case I've learned that this is when I must come to my Father and seek His counsel.  He happens to know exactly what I am to do and what I can handle.  And in loving care He will reveal His desire for me if I am truly seeking an answer.
To act in fear is unhealthy.  To continue in something because we are selfish is wrong.  Either way is unbalanced.

Before signing off I want to say this -- to fall in love with someone isn't evil.  Our responsibility is to act like a loving friend.  God will do the rest.  We have more options than either --
a. throwing caution to the wind, or
b. throwing our relationship out the window.

 It is easier to be an extremist.  It would be easier just to either "go with" our emotions and just be and do everything our heart tells us, OR, to call everything off and shun mankind because it's safer.
But like everything else in life God's way is always balanced.  We can co-exist with the men in our lives in charity and purity.  If God tells you to stop a behavior or to call off a relationship -- by all means, obey!  But there should be no guilt in being an appropriate friend with godly men.  And no shame in "falling in love" either.  It's  a perfectly natural beautiful thing.  We are given the opportunity to do so in balanced purity, in the love of God and in His guidance.

Blessings on your journey,

Toni


Related Post:

Can't We Be Friends?

Can't We Be Friends?

Can't We Be Friends?

Is it possible for guys and girls to be friends? 

For some of us this post might seem odd.  Some of you might be thinking -- "Uh, yeah, of course we can be friends."  But many conservative Christian young people have been taught or raised with the assumption that it is taboo to be friends with the opposite gender. If this is true in your case, this post is for you. 

So before we can answer our question of whether we can be friends, we should ask the opposite.  Why can't we be friends?

What exactly makes friendship with the opposite gender taboo in conservative circles?  There is probably a plethora of reasons, but one of the most common reasons given is the fact that being a friend with the opposite sex can lead to compromised purity or inappropriate behavior. 

The solution?  No being friends!  It's too risky. 

I have witnessed some people benefiting from this rule.  For some personalities, shunning friendships with the opposite gender does save them from temptation.  For others it makes them feel uncertain around the guy/girl.  For a majority of my womanhood I have leaned on the side of "better safe than sorry".  I desired to keep all of my heart for my future husband and if that meant not being friends with guys -- so be it.

The Bible does admonish us to keep our heart.  (Proverbs 4:23).  But does keeping our heart mean that we are to only have friends of the same gender?  Like with many practical issues, the Bible does not give black and white rules and regulations. 

So back to the original question:  Can we be friends with the opposite gender and still be pure?  Still keep our heart?   Well let's ask ourselves what a friend is.  Webster defines "friend" thus:

FRIEND, n. frend.

1. One who is attached to another by affection; one who entertains for another sentiments of esteem, respect and affection, which lead him to desire his company, and to seek to promote his happiness and prosperity; opposed to foe or enemy.  A friend loveth at all times. Prov 17.

This sounds intimate.  Someone you care about.  Will everyone be our friends?  Not likely.  From a woman's perspective, there are some young men it would be foolish to befriend.  They are only interested in your looks, your position, your body, etc.  They are selfish and even dangerous.  Of course we aren't going to be this man's friend.  For similar reasons we aren't going to befriend and selfish woman who likes us for shallow reasons.  Not everyone is going to be our friend.

A friend is someone you love.  Can you love a guy and keep your heart?  Webster defines friendship -- 

FRIEND'SHIP, n. frend'ship. 

1. An attachment to a person, proceeding from intimate acquaintance, and a reciprocation of kind

offices, or from a favorable opinion of the amiable and respectable qualities of his mind. Friendship differs from benevolence, which is good will to mankind in general, and from that love which springs from animal appetite. True friendship is a noble and virtuous attachment, springing from a pure source, a respect for worth or amiable qualities. False friendship may subsist between bad men, as between thieves and pirates. This is a temporary attachment springing from interest, and may change in a moment to enmity and rancor. There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity.There is little friendship in the world.The first law of friendship is sincerity.

If you are nobly and virtuously attached to someone out of pure motive you are this person's friend.  If you truly love them we also know from 1 Corinthians 13 that we won't be vaunting our self or seeking our own.  This is true friendship, no matter the gender.  If you are only temporarily attached from selfish interest this is a "false friendship".

I'd now like to address us ladies specifically. We can be friends with guys.  The question now is -- how to be friends with a guy?  A friendship with a guy is different in some aspects than a friendship with a girl.  

When we are keeping our hearts we're on guard-duty.  Keeping our hearts doesn't only have to do with keeping purity in friendships, but also keeping purity in every area.  With this in mind, we realize it's easier to keep our hearts in some things over others.  And if we are honest with ourselves we know it could be more challenging to keep our hearts diligently when we are close with a guy friend than with our girlfriends.

  

So if we can be friends -- how close is too close?  Can we share our hearts appropriately?  Or should our friendships with guys be limited to a certain degree? 

I think it's safe to say there are some boundaries that must be drawn -- even if only for appearance's sake.  There are things we steer away from so we are not a stumbling block.  We don't place ourselves in circumstances that are potentially tempting or dangerous just because we are free to be a guy's friend.  

I personally have had to learn exactly what God expects from me as a young woman in the lives of the men God has put into my life.  Growing up my best friends were my siblings so it wasn't as much of an issue until my family began to make close friends with other families.  

I've come to realize that I influence the men in my life whether I liked it or not.  Every look, comment, response and conversation is an opportunity to be a friend (or not). 

There's nothing unbiblical or scandalous in being a friend to a guy.  We just need to actually be a friend and care about them over ourselves.  That being said -- it's natural to appreciate and respect men, (and even find them interesting or attractive). 

In all honesty it is the feminists who promote that men and women are incompatible.  Think Gloria Steinem (Women without a man is like a fish without a bicycle).  It's Hollywood that says

masculinity and femininity are opposites.  It's our culture which promotes the "pink vrs. blue" stereotype. The world tries to put men and women at enmity with one another.

                                                                       

We are different!  God created us differently on purpose.  But just because our strengths and weaknesses are different doesn't mean we are incompatible, but only shows that we are meant to help and co-exist with one another.  Our differences makes us perfect puzzle pieces to each other.  In fact, women were created to purposefully help man.

  

Let's look at biblical examples of friendships.

Jesus was a friend to women.  Mary and Martha.   It can be done!  Of course Jesus was God incarnate and therefore perfect, but he was also 100% man, a priest made like us and tempted as we are.  (Hebrews 2:17 & 4:15)  He cared about them earnestly.  Was grieved when they grieved.  Sought out their companionship when he was tired.  Held meaningful discussions with them.  

Lydia (Acts 16), Mary (Romans 16), Pricilla (Acts 18), Phobe (Romans 16) and Euodia and Syntyche (Philppians 4) all were women who were friends of godly men. 

Being a friend isn't easy.  Being a young man's friend can be even harder.  But honestly shunning men as friends can be a cop out.  We have a choice when it comes to being a guy's friend.  We can be helpful, encouraging, selfless or we can be enabling, a stumbling block and selfish.  Faithful friends remind their companions of God's goodness.  Unfaithful friends distract.  

If we condone friendships with guys just so we can have our own way, so we can bait them or hunt them down, or gratify our flesh -- then obviously our heart motive is wrong and we aren't being true friends.  The solution isn't -- no friendship with males, but -- you need to get your heart right. 

Men are human just like us.  They aren't princes and they aren't chauvinistic cads.  They aren't women's gift from heaven and they aren't cavemen.  They are our brothers in Christ, our fellow human beings and people with emotions.  We can treat them like people.  It might take a little extra care because of the proneness of our hearts to sin, but it can be done.  

I'd like to also mention that we can be friends with our brothers (blood kin).  It's a little off topic, but the world discourages this as well.  We greatly influence the lives of our men in our immediate

family.  This is a privilege.  We can, without any hesitation, be eager listeners in their lives.  We can encourage their leadership skills.  We can enjoy their protection, inspire their chivalrous nature, motivate confidence by confiding in them, and enjoy their companionship.  If you have no interest in being your brother's friend I would encourage you to look at your motives for being any other guys friend.

Conclusion.  It's possible to be a true friend with some guys.  It is possible to be a false friend as well.  True friendship will take an effort on our part, and we have the choice whether to be a true or false friend.

                                                                                                                  

Related Post:

Stuck Between Friendship and Matrimony 

Stuck Between Friendship and Matrimony

Spiritual Lessons

Stuck Between Friendship and Matrimony 

So he is a friend. At least, he started out as a friend. But now it's deeper than that. Or at least it feels that way. You really think he is the most amazing guy in the world, and you're ready to say “I do”.

But there's a slight problem: He hasn't asked. You're sure he enjoys you and you're not like other girl friends of his. There's something different about him and you, but nothing has been said. No pursuing has been initiated. Now what?

I know several young women in this situation. In one circumstance the couple have nothing standing in there way other than the guy simply hasn't asked. In another situation the young man has made an attempt to “get to know” the young woman, but they are just “friends” because marriage isn't really an option for her yet. How awkward is it to be stuck between friendship and marriage? Really awkward.

I just wanted to take the time to write a short post of encouragement to you if this speaks of your circumstance.

Firstly, you have no reason to feel ashamed of how you feel. Ignoring and denying your emotions won't help; neither does feeling guilty about them. They are genuine emotions – accept that.

But with no commitment established you have no ties, no obligations and no entitlements to this man. He isn't yours and you aren't his. He is God's child. You're job is to allow God to guard your heart and to simply treat him as a friend and sister in Christ, just like you have been. You have no idea where this young man is at. Perhaps God has asked him to wait? Maybe his parents have asked him to wait? Maybe he is securing the means to get married? Your impatience will help no-one. You are expected to remain faithful in what God has set before you. And as long as He hasn't asked you to pursue a mate, you can rest assured He is working in your behalf. If it's any consolation, God moves far more quickly with patient surrendered children, than rash self-willed ones.

I've met several young women who have based their self-worth on how many young men have asked to start a relationship with them. For some women they have a lot to boost their ego. For others this is disastrous blow to their perceived worth. I want to encourage you that God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11). He is a master at the art of orchestrating your life. You are worth the shedding of His only begotten son. That means you're priceless.

If the guy of your dreams isn't moving forward, that may be a good sign that you aren't meant to be married yet. It has no bearing on your worth and it has no indication of your capability to be a wife.

Diligently set your heart before your Creator. He knows. He understands. He is able to keep your heart and He will guide you. Moving beyond friendship with a young man is a serious thing. It can either be beautiful because it's in His time, or it can be the worse mistake you'll ever make in your life. Trust the godly authorities He has placed in your life. Run to the One who knows you best.

Marriage is a gift, not a goal. You haven't failed just because you're in your mid twenties (or older) and you haven't “achieved” marriage status. Has it ever occurred to you that your singleness is a gift? That He expects you to use your singleness to give Him glory and to serve Him and His kingdom with? Have you been faithful in your singleness?

Life is a shining adventure. There's no better way to squelch your joy and miss opportunities, than to wait for life to begin at marriage. Obviously if He has set before you marriage as an open door, take it courageously and confidently. But if you're stuck between friendship and matrimony, be encouraged that your part is to simply obey God and charitably treat this young man as a sister in Christ. If you really love him, you will not seek and pursue in impatience. You will not vaunt yourself and make yourself obviously available. You will not hold your breath with little longsuffering. You aren't waiting on him – you're waiting on Him. In fact, love would wish the best for who it loves, even if this means, in the end, your desires aren't granted.

You're not stuck. You're just in an amazing journey. Embrace it! He will guide you.