Bushels and Blessings

Spiritual Lessons

Bushels and Blessings

I’ve mentioned before, in previous posts, that I worked at a place called “Bushels”. (A small local Mennonite store with a deli/bakery.) In this post, I’d like to give you just a little bit of back story as to how I actually ended up there and where the Lord took me in it. 

I’ve grown up a very conservative Christian girl, to which I have never once regretted. That being said, my dad has never really been supportive of “women in the workforce”. As young women, our focus should be at home. Being “keepers at home” is one of the things listed to teach young women in Titus 2:4 and 5. It is important. But it also isn’t a sin for women to work outside the home either. My dad has always been very protective of his girls, as any good father should be, and I knew as a young girl growing up, that if I would ever work outside my home someday, it would have to be a very special job that met certain requirements. A safe environment being one of them. And somewhat conservative surroundings another. Because my heart was to both obey and respect my dad’s wishes, and I assumed therefore, that I would probably never have a “real job” anytime soon (other than our local housecleaning business). With a desire to please my dad, I asked the Lord one thing- that if He ever wanted me to get a job outside my normal home environment, that He would open the door in a way that my dad would be more excited about the idea than I even would be. With that being said, I was pretty sure I’d be jobless. J But those were my requirements and I held to them.

In the spring of 2013, I found my life changing unexpectedly, and began to pray about new things. Getting a job was one of them. I mentioned it to my dad and just continued to pray about it. I remember when “Bushels” was first brought to my mind. I thought to myself, “Aw, it is perfect. Conservative and safe.” I remember conniving at one point, to maybe get my dad to have the Mennonite family (who ran the store) over for dinner. Besides we were already somewhat acquainted, and had been meaning to have them over sometime anyways. It would be the perfect way in! But, the Lord never gave me peace to push for it. In fact, He told me to leave it alone and wait for His will and timing, whether that was Bushels or not. So I waited. About 3 months.

Unannounced to me, my dad went into the store early that May and while ordering deli meats & cheeses, had a conversation with the man who would later become my boss. Apparently, the fact that he (Mr. Jeremy) needed extra work here and there came into the conversation, and my dad mentioned that his daughter (which would be me) might be interested. My dad never told me and about a week later, I got a call. “If you are still interested in working part-time, let me know in the next few days.” What? I was never so surprised. So I quickly began to pray about it and consulted my dad. Honestly, at first I was a little nervous about the idea, but my dad had full confidence. And believe it or not, my dad was more excited about it than I was!

 When the Lord told me to wait, I waited, and He dropped the perfect job into my lap.

I asked the Lord that my dad would be supportive and excited about a job that met certain specific requirements, and He answered that request.

The Lord gave me Matthew 14:27- “But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer: it is I; be not afraid.” And there was peace.

So began my almost 2 year career at Bushels. And I learned so much. And more than just simple things like, how to slice the perfect thickness of a piece of Havarti cheese without it crumbling apart, or getting your pound of sliced meat down to the exact ounce on a deli scale, or how to make the perfect deli sandwich in less than 30 seconds, or how to make food labels and package cinnamon rolls efficiently. There were so many life lessons. Like, learning to be more confident in who I am as an individual person. I’ve always struggled with that. But I was no longer introduced or perceived by others as just “the youngest Bickish girl” – but instead, as “Lynea”. I could no longer hide behind my family. I didn’t have my outgoing and bold older sister leading the way! No, instead, I had to step out of my comfort zone. And while learning to be an individual outside your family circle seems a small thing, it actually made a big difference in how I carried myself as a person.

The Lord also gave me many different opportunities to witness and talk with people. It challenged what I believed and why I believed it; to be able to “give an answer for the hope that lieth within [me]” and to defend my faith for myself. I built relationships with many different people and learned how to reach out to them. It was a blessing and a joy. Although there were hard and lonely lessons too. Such as, realizing and learning to be okay with the fact that you are different than “the average Christian” or professing Mennonite and therefore rejected as the “outcast” of the group. Which, isn’t always fun. J But certainly worth it. (Please consider reading my previous blog post: Outside the Camp.) 

In the fall of 2014, the Lord began to close the door to the Bushels store. His timing, again, was perfect. I was tired and busy beyond belief, and my family was getting ready to move. It was time. And by December I gave my notice. Some things in life are only for a season, and Bushels was one of those. But it certainly was a blessing in many ways and I am thankful for everything the Lord taught me during that time and how He used it in my life.

Bushels

Recently, I was asked to help fill in at Bushels again for several days during the month of April. Due to certain circumstances, they needed extra help. I was a little hesitant, and the long drive and long days certainly didn’t seem that worth it to me. But the Lord not only opened the door, but actually had to end up pushing me through it. I think He knew that He’d have to, because I wouldn’t have walked through it again willingly of my own accord. J And again, He proved faithful in regards to this little work place. He gave me one of the neatest opportunities to talk to one of the young Mennonite girls there that I used to work with. Just being able to share more of my faith with her, and actually watch her listen and consider what I had to say. It thrilled my soul and I came home smiling to myself, because I knew why He had wanted me to go back.

The truth is, waiting on the Lord is a wonderful place to be. As young Christian women, let’s not settle for what the world tells us is normal! Let’s not settle for what even most “Christians” will criticize or shove down our throats! Who says you have to get a job in "the real world" by the time you are 18? Or go to a Christian or secular college? It's okay to be different than the majority. It’s okay to stand alone, if need be. To stand against the strong tide of society. When He sets a standard for us, no matter how impossible it might seem at the time, we can trust Him to provide through it. Is it wrong to get a job as a single young girl? No. Is it wrong to go to college? No, it certainly isn't. But when Christ sets a standard for us, it is wrong to endanger that standard by compromise. We don’t have to compromise! So many young girls I know are choosing to settle. Don’t! Whether that is a job opportunity you just can’t get peace about, or maybe a standard that has been somehow crossed in some way, or a decision that goes against your convictions, or maybe a young man that just isn’t His perfect will for your life and you know it; it isn’t worth settling for.

Psalms 27:14 says- “Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.” 

We can wait, because He abides faithful. We can stand against the normality of our modern culture, because He gives us the courage to. We can go on in His perfect will for our lives, because He is our strength. 

This is me (on the far right) with some of the other girls there.

Silly Scribbles/ An Open Door with Confidence

Silly Scribbles
#3

~ Or Life as Toni ~

Just recently I started a little series of writings that I titled “Silly Scribbles” or “Life as Toni”.  I began posting them on a private writing club that I joined.  I received such positive feedback I decided to be be brave and share with my Maid Arise readers.  

So often the writer in me throbs and insists, but my current work in progress is strictly grammatical at this point and my creative juices feel cramped and unjustly squelched. So I have decided to allow these juices passage and wait to see what comes of it. I decided to share my experiences with you. Sometimes my life can be quite humorous to the point of disbelief which I have come to accept as normal.... or sometimes I learn new things about myself or little lessons God teaches through the inevitable we've fondly labeled “life”. I hope that these shared stories and bearings of the soul are somehow a blessing, or in the least, a few minutes of entertainment.

An Open Door with Confidence

***

I froze mid step and stopped breathing. Yes, there it was again, the distant rumble of a vehicle. Fear rushed over me like a thousand biting needle points and my heartbeat raced away with my reason. I couldn't stand there just gripping my pathetic little pepper spray and wait for it. Springing like a deer I fled into the dense tree line that followed our dirt road. Crashing through brush and anything that stood in my way I ran to a little indent in the earth under a large tree and stopped to listen once more, like hunted prey. The forest stood silent except for my heavy breathing. The rain ladened pine slowly dripped on my face. I was shaking. And I felt like an idiot – no one was coming. It was all my imagination.

***

I had taken every rebuke. The just and unjust. I was told I was inefficient. Told I lacked confidence. Told I was inept. I was lectured, ridiculed, and belittled. Every day I cried out to the Lord for peace and joy and comfort. It would come, but only to be swept away every time I went to work. And now she stood there, her blue eyes piercing into my soul, knowing she had just offered the ultimatum. Would I consent to her conditions or not? If I did, I would be making a huge sacrifice, and disobeying my authorities. She knew that. But then to refuse meant I would lose my job, and worse, a friend. I had to decide, but fear pierced my heart and hung like a led weight.

***

These are paragraphs of real incidents of my life. Snippets that describe and define me. I guess you could say I have lived in insecurity for a long time. Something taught me by my experiences. And yet insecurity isn't a cause, but a result. Actually, I haven't lived with insecurity, but have lived without confidence. Without confidence I am left insecure and exposed for fear.

Before any negative experiences happened I already was a timid person. Nothing my parents ever said or did has given me any right to believe that I was less than anyone else. But for some reason I have grown up thinking that I was just below average. And if anyone thought otherwise it was because, somehow or other, I had fooled them. They really didn't know me. If they had seen me struggle over that math problem. Or had seen how long it took me to master the concept in piano. Or watched over my shoulder while I wrote in illegible cursive. The very same math problem my little brother could figure out in a cinch. Or the piano concept that my brother (who didn't take lessons) could conquer effortlessly. Or the same cursive alphabet that my sibling received compliments from my Grandmother for. I knew I could kind of keep up, and for the most part, if no-one watched too closely, I'd kind of mesh in the crowd and my inadequacy would be overlooked.

I tucked that mindset under my arm and set off to accomplish life. And in life I was hunted down and accused and rejected. Unfortunately I gave into my fear. I believed them. Every new door of opportunity was now opened with anxiety. Every expectation of me was something I dreaded messing up. Every employer was someone to be feared. It climaxed after losing my job as caregiver. My little boy I had so dutifully and faithfully guarded was taken away from me as a punishment for something that wasn't my fault. But I was told it was my fault.

After this I would have nightmares. Sometimes they would seem quite unrelated, but looking back I realize it was rejection and fear eating away at me. I lived without confidence. Until a few days ago.

Losing my job happened last Autumn. So my healing has probably been in little steps since then. But it was just a few days ago that I embraced who Jesus has created me to be. I can't even convey to you the simple radiant beauty in this freedom. I have refused to hold onto other's judgments of myself. Jesus gave me Isaiah 30:15 “In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength...” I claimed it. And applied it practically.

In little day to day problems I tried it. I decided to look at my problem confidently, cheerfully, quietly. And it melted away. I could think clearly and the negative emotion disappeared.

So I tried it in “big” problems. This Monday was my first official day of work. I had gone in last week to get acquainted with the overall process of the secretarial motions of Aspen Wellspring (a natural Health clinic). Every time my employer showed me something or spoke to me gently I was overwhelmed with relief. She wasn't upset with me. She didn't find me inefficient.

Now it was my official day. It started off with several extra feet of snow. After an hour and a half of shoveling out the car to no avail, my brother offered to drive me to town in the beat-up truck. The one at the end of our long quarter mile unplowed drive way. And the one without fuel I might add. So after trudging to the pick up we find that the road is hardly navigable. Our neighbor with the plow is doing her best, but as she passes us she leaves behind her a daunting trail with two narrow ruts. Half way down the mountain we get stuck. We had left 45 minutes earlier than we had to, but it took us at least 30 minutes to get unstuck. Normally this would have gotten me quite anxious. What would my boss say? I was sure to be late. But instead I calmly, quietly took my problem with confidence. I knew the Lord knew, and I would do my best with what He allowed.

That's when we ran out of gas. Yep. Three and a half miles from town. Right in the middle of the one lane trail. So Chris pushed the back while I pushed the front and steered. As soon as it would get going down the hill, I would jump in the seat and slam the door shut and Chris would jump in the bed. It would pick up speed for a little ways and then stop. We did this a little ways until we ran out of hill. After that, it wouldn't budge. So down the icy mountain we jogged to town. Normally this would have been my limit. I would be overcome with negative emotions and drained. But I was actually laughing. It was raining, our shoes were soaked and Chris had hurt his knee. He looked over at me as I gingerly jogged alongside him in the ice and he reassuringly declared, “You know, if you fall down on this ice I'm going to laugh my head off!” Huttoesque humor at it's best. When everything falls apart you either laugh or cry. And for the first time in a long time... I was laughing. Confidence.

Since then I've been faced with multiple circumstances that should have left me quaking. But every time there He is, holding my hand and with quietness and confidence I find my strength.

After applying it to my daily lifestyle I finally took my great emotional insecurity by the horns and faced it. What caused me to fear and lack confidence? Some of it stemmed from being chased down by men not so long ago. That really had shaken me and left me afraid to jog or even use public restrooms. But I had conquered this fear with some basic training. It only haunted me now and then.

But I stopped to think when I had started having nightmares and insecurities and being afraid of what others thought. And I pinpointed it's climax. It was when I lost my job last year. It hurt to lose my little boy, but the heaping of untrue perceptions on my head was something I couldn't cope with. It drained me and squeezed my “comfort zone” into a small sphere. I was told I was socially awkward and lacked capability and now everything looked complex and I felt inadequate in everything.

I have to pause to say that I don't believe this was my employers intention. I don't think she lay awake at night planning my emotional destruction. But she allowed her flesh to dictate her attitude and tongue and took it out on the closest defenseless person around. And that happened to be me. Nothing personal. :) But it was my choice to hold onto it. My choice to allow it to dictate my dreams and security and relationships and actions. She was right in one thing: I lacked confidence.

How silly to hold onto other people's garbage! And I have found the key to dumping it! In quietness and confidence I find the strength to cheerfully let go. It's not even taking one day at a time but each new emotion, which can be moment by moment.

My dad just recently left for North Dakota to work a 30 day shift, with 10 days off. I can't even explain how this shakes my world upside down. But this time I tried Jesus' promise. I quietly accepted it, and confidently embraced it. It works! I don't dread anything anymore. Life's problems are God-given circumstances that I can quietly accept and confidently embrace.

This life-long struggle has held me back from blossoming into the person Jesus has wanted me (made me) to be. No Father desires His child to cower and tremble in insecurities. It had gotten out of control. I started feeling inadequate in the things I've previously conquered, not just in new things. Now I can open every door of opportunity wide and confidently step in with a smile on my face.

Thinking highly of yourself can be taken to unhealthy extremes, but it is just as detrimental to think that extremely low of yourself. It's life altering, emotionally and physically. You can probably think of people you know who live like this. I wish I could tell them how beautiful and strong and comforting confidence is. True confidence. And this is found in the Vine. In the all-powerful One who calls me Beloved. In Him is true confidence. He makes it possible to quietly accept anything because anything can be accepted if you believe your life is orchestrated by a Lover who looks to your best interest. With that knowledge tucked under your arm you can be sure to take on Life with confidence.

For the first time in over a year I prayed for my “x” employer. And for my sweet boy. Up until now my insecurity was a sore bereavement on my soul. I even lacked the confidence to talk much about him. But now I can think about him and talk about him, and pray for him and it doesn't hurt. No guilt or fear is associated with him anymore. He is my dear baby again.

I now can shut that door, quietly with peace. It was slammed in my face, but I had never found closure. Now it's done and I'm faced with other doors. I've grabbed the knob. I'm going to swing wide and jump in. Who knows what lays before me? But with Jesus I'm going in with confidence.


Silly Scribble#4 "Starless"

A Willing Heart, with a Ready Mind, through an Open Door

Spiritual Lessons

A Willing Heart, with a Ready Mind, through an Open Door

“God will use what you prepare.” I heard that recently in a message I was listening to. It really struck me. I think sometimes we can be lazy with our time and become complacent with the abilities God has given us. We can be guilty of giving little to no thought or effort to the preparation of important things- and expect somehow a good result when the time comes. At least, I know I am. I believe, as Christians, we should have a higher standard. 

Luke 12:48 says- “...For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.”

Also, I Corinthians 4:2- “Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.”

If the Lord desires to use us, as He does, for His glory and the furtherance of the Gospel of Christ, wouldn’t it just be wise, to be ready? If I was asked to sing a special next Sunday, wouldn’t it be smart to practice? Or if I needed to fix something, to make sure I had all the right tools? I wouldn’t avoid culinary skills in the kitchen and then start working in a four-star restaurant. There is wisdom in being ready for what the Lord wants you to do.

“Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands. For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (II Timothy 1:6-7)

“Nothing is small or great in God’s sight; whatsoever He wills becomes great to us, however seemingly trifling, and if once the voice of conscience tells us that He requires anything of us, we have no right to measure its importance. On the other hand, whatever He would not have us do, however important we may think it, is as nought to us. How do you know what you may lose by neglecting this duty, which you think so trifling, or the blessing which its faithful performance may bring? Be sure that if you do your very best in that which is laid upon you daily, you will not be left without sufficient help when some weightier occasion arises. Give yourself to Him, trust Him, fix your eye upon Him, listen to His voice, and then go on bravely and cheerfully.” (Jean Nicolas Grou- “Daily Strength for Daily Needs” P.24)

Faithfulness in the little things, that can often be overlooked, is very important. Because even though it may feel a “small thing”- it is equally of the same importance to Him. We cannot deem anything small, that He deems of great importance, even when men do. The Lord told me, not long ago, that He wanted me to learn the piano. I don’t honestly know for what reason, He didn’t give one. He didn’t have to. But I know He has a good reason for it. Somewhere, sometime, someday, He wants to use that ability. To neglect it, would be disobedience. It would also be throwing away an opportunity to be used of the Lord in a way I don’t know of yet. And it would not only affect me, but others also. What blessing may we be forfeiting, what opportunity lost? Anytime the Lord has asked something specifically of me, I’ve always been glad I listened and gave it. He is a master planner and knows what I do not. He is trustworthy as He is worthy of all we are and all we possess. However, this doesn’t even include the idea of natural talents and abilities He has given to us, which can either be sad nothingness or gateways of opportunity for Him. What a blessing it might be if we were to develop our natural, God-given abilities and talents. For some, it could be musical talent or artistic ability. A gift for learning languages or writing books. Maybe even certain personality traits or physical differences. The list is endless as it is personal. Often times, He’s given us even those little desires of our hearts for a good reason. Not that “every desire” we have is a good desire. But the desires that are from Him. (Psalms 37) And Philippians 2:13 says- “For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.” So if it is true, that the more we prepare the more He is able to use, why aren’t we preparing?

“It is by doing our duty that we learn to do it. So long as men dispute whether or no a thing is their duty, they get never the nearer. Let them set ever so weakly about doing it, and the face of things alters. They find in themselves strength which they knew not of. Difficulties which it seemed to them they could not get over, disappear. For He accompanies it with the influences of His blessed Spirit, and each performance opens our minds for larger influxes of His grace, and places them in communion with Him.” (E. B. Pusey, “Daily Strength for Daily Needs” P.22)

I Peter 3:15 says- “But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:”

The Lord has commanded us to be ready to give an answer for the hope that lieth within us. There is nothing “optional” about that verse. We are told to be ready. Recently, the Lord gave me a special opportunity to witness to someone. As my family was traveling down to California, we all took our designated seats on the airplane. It wasn’t a very full flight and only maybe ¾ or so of the seats were actually taken. So I made my way to 15B. My sister sat beside me. And then, “Cindy”. A middle-aged woman with short sandy-blond hair and a very sad and lonely, but independent, feeling about her. Here were all these empty seats… but the Lord had her sit in 15C. And He had a reason. I didn’t feel very social or talkative, but we started up a conversation regardless. Mostly small chit-chat at first. She was a very lonely person. Experienced “life” to the fullest meaning of the word and found it wanting. She was curious. She listened. She asked questions. So for over 2 hours I talked and witnessed to her. She believed in a “god” (basically a higher power of some sort or religion), but knew nothing about Jesus. I was struck by the realization that people literally don’t know. And I know that many are willingly ignorant, but others, have honestly never heard. Hurts my heart. So I laid out the gospel from the beginning. I shared my personal testimony. She could tell there was something different about me. She remarked how she knew she didn’t have what I had. She admitted that she was a sinner, but still was trusting blindly in a “good vs. bad” heavenly scale. This was when my sister joined our conversation. I’ve never seen someone with so much conviction with nowhere to go. But the more His Spirit brought conviction, the more she seemed to listen. I was thankful for that. In the end, I gave her a “DONE book”. (A short little book that explains the gospel really well.) She was interested enough to tell me that she’d read it. And although I may never see “Cindy” again in this life- I honestly suspect that I maybe will in the next.

“…and be ready always to give an answer.” I believe the biggest part to being “ready” to share Christ with someone is in knowing Him personally for yourself. It is easy to talk about someone you love. To tell someone about a person you know. I've never hesitated to tell anyone that I have a physical earthly father. Because I know him. I believe another important part to being “ready” is simply by being willing. When we are completely surrendered to Him and filled with His Spirit, He delights to open the doors, to bring someone into your life or along the way in His timing. Seeds can be sown. Hearts can be stirred. Souls can be saved. I know that if we asked- we’d receive. And if we dared to knock, He’d open the door. I am amazed and blessed at how often He gives me the words to say. It wasn't something I rehearsed of myself. When we depend on Him, He’ll give us the courage needed and our words can be His words. And with this dependence, came a confidence and a boldness I hadn't experienced before. I wasn't afraid, because I knew He was with me. I didn't feel a panic to think of the right response to a question. He gave the answers. He wants to talk to that lost soul more than I do and He knows just how to do it. It is His Spirit that draws. In a way, witnessing feels like jumping off a dock into deep, cold, and unknown water, just to find that there is really a solid rock on which to stand just beneath you all along. The initial jump is the hardest. One more thought that comes to my mind with being “ready”, is literal preparation. I was encouraged by how much scripture I actually knew without thinking about it. Knowing your Bible, studying and memorizing scripture, and even reading good books are all good ways to prepare.

“Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. Till I come, give attendance to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine. Neglect not the gift that is in thee, … Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all. Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee.” (I Timothy 4:12-16)

Philippians 4:13 says- “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” We have everything we could ever need in Christ, in His strength. When He asks us to do something, He gives us the power to do it. If there is a lesson to be learned, He’s the best teacher. If He wants us to develop a certain useful skill or simply practice what we already know, He gives the ability. He’ll go before us. He promises to make a way, even in the wilderness.

Hannah W. Smith once wrote- “If He commands me to do a thing, I am sure He will give me the power of His Spirit to do it. His commands are not grievous, we are told, but surely they would be grievous if we were unable to obey them. It would have been grievous if God had commanded the children of Israel to go in and possess the land of Canaan, and knowing they were unable to do it, had not intended to supply them with power. But, in fact, His very command was the reason why they should have no fear in undertaking what He had told them to do.”

(“God is Enough” P. 138)

What is it you already know God has asked you to do? What aren’t you preparing for? Will you have a willing heart? A ready mind? And in doing so, allow Him to open the doors of blessed opportunity.