Spiritual Lessons
Guest writer, Jana-Lee Patton, shares with us some amazing thoughts. This was a blessing to me, I know it will be for you!
Fractured People
Two
fractions do not necessarily make a whole number. In a world full of fractured
people it’s no wonder that the divorce rate is so high. You take two fractions
and hope that they are the “right” fractions who fit together just so in order
to make a perfect whole. From a mathematical perspective the odds are unfavourable
at best.
For
some reason, which I have yet to discover, there seems to be a preoccupation in
our day and age with finding that one partner who will complete one’s seemingly
allotted fraction. If you are in the world and playing the dating game, it’s a
matter of getting out there and making yourself available to numerous partners
of the opposite sex (or not) in hopes that you’ll get lucky and find the one
who will fulfill that empty space in your heart and life. If you’re in more
fundamentalist circles and have been brought up to believe in the merits of
courtship and waiting for God to send the “right one” then you find yourself
checking over every eligible male of female who darkens the door of the church
or whom you meet at any church gathering and wondering if they’re “the one”.
I
have found myself in the latter category most of my youth, beginning at the age
when such things become of interest to a teenage girl and lasting into my early
twenties. When Mr. Right failed to appear I was forced to examine a few things.
I’ve found myself questioning why it is that we human beings play this game of
chance with such temerity.
I
have noticed that there seems to be an automatic question uppermost in the
minds of those whom I meet for the first, or second, or third (or more) time.
Casual acquaintances who are themselves either already married or in that state
of “looking”. I can almost feel the question simmering. I can usually see it
spelled out in their eyes and in the thread of small talk usually engaged in on
such meetings before it ever comes out their mouth. They look at me, a
twenty-something, attractive young woman, well-spoken and engaging and they
just have to ask, “So, are you married?” or “Is there anyone special in your
life?” In the past I’ve always shook my head ruefully and made some banal
comment about how I’m still waiting on God. Or, they might see me with a young
child or baby in my arms and make the, oh so redundant comment, “Looks good on
you.” I myself have said it to other singles thinking I was being complimentary
when, really, inside a single person’s heart these comments are often
depressing because it seems painfully obvious, at least to me, that there does
not appear to be enough Godly Christian men to go around. However, that does
not negate the fact that God can do anything and He can bring a husband to
whomever He chooses, but He may choose not to and it is my job as a single
Christian woman to accept His will, whatever that might be.
After
several years of this repetitious pattern I found myself getting annoyed by it
and wondering why it is that everyone seems to be so preoccupied with the topic
of marriage, as though being single was some kind of curse to be endured until
the Lord saw fit to reward me with that “perfect someone” who was going to come
out of the blue and sweep me off my feet and I’ll be so glad I waited. To
paraphrase Jane Austen’s famous first line in “Pride & Prejudice”: “It is a
truth universally acknowledged that a single girl in possession of
attractiveness and domestic talents must
be in want of a husband.” I’ve had young married women relate to me how glad
they were that they waited for the right one and how happy they are now and how
they just know that they were made for each other and it’s because they were
willing to wait so long that this happened, thinking they’re being encouraging
to me. When I’d ask how old they were when they got married and they say they
were 21, or some similarly young age, I’m anything but encouraged! I’m over the
quarter century mark and well on my way to my third decade along with many of
my peers and the options appear to be just as limited now as they did five
years ago – in some ways more limited perhaps because time has cast my
once naive and youthful ideals into serious question.
The
Bible says in Psalm 37:4 Delight thyself
also in the Lord; and he shall give you the desires of thine heart. I recall
my Pastor telling me many times that if I am delighting myself in the Lord then
I must believe and trust that the desires of my heart are from Him because it
says that He’ll “give” me the desires of my heart – in other words, He puts
them there. This prompted me to go to the Lord and ask Him to make His will for
me clear by changing the desires of my heart from marriage to singlehood if
that’s what He wanted for me. “I want to be in thy will, oh Lord,” I’d pray, “So
please bring my desires in line with yours.” All the while I prayed this I knew
that it would take a miracle for this to actually happen. I’ve wanted to be a
wife and mother since I was a little girl. My own mother is, in my eyes, the
perfect domestic goddess and I’ve been said to take after her. I couldn’t
imagine that even God – powerful as He is – could change my heart regarding
this matter. Oh, me of little faith!
A
couple of months ago I got around to searching my heart again and found, to my
surprise, that where I once yearned for a lifelong companion I now yearned for
a solitary life. Where had this new longing come from and where had the old
gone? Had God really answered my prayer? I was amazed and chagrined at my own
doubting heart. Thus, I began to search for information on the single life. As
a librarian I have access to a wide variety of materials, which I quickly
availed myself of as I was suddenly overcome by a passionate craving to read
about other people who have chosen to remain single and the wisdom and
experiences they may have to share. I also began studying I Corinthians 7 and Matthew
19:12 and anywhere else in the Bible where it talks about people choosing
not to marry. I felt like I was engaging in some clandestine and forbidden
activity because it feels like such an anathema in church circles these days to
not desire filial bliss. I was astounded to discover that there is an entire
strata of society, both past and present, who have lived their lives uncoupled
and made notable achievements in ways they might not have had they been tied
down to a home and family.
Just
to clarify: some of the greatest women I know are wives and mothers and
grandmothers and I would never belittle that calling. However, I have always
seemed so well equipped and been intentionally prepared for the married state
that I didn’t stop to consider that perhaps God has another plan for me. By
placing domestic bliss so high up on my own personal scale of noble achievement
I neglected to consider that there are other options in life as well.
I
cannot count how many times in the past decade I’ve heard from well-meaning
people, “You’re so sweet and pretty it won’t be long before some nice young man
scoops you up.” There was a time when I was flattered and encouraged by these
words as my girlish heart soared with the romantic promise of such a statement.
And I’m not saying it’s necessarily a bad thing to say so long as there is
sensitivity to where the single person is at in their life. Now I find that the
Lord has changed my thinking so dramatically that statements such as these
cause me to wonder what I would be fit for if I were ugly and had a tart
disposition. Would I be passed over as undesirable wife material? I began to
realize that my worth involves a whole lot more than just my demeanour and
looks. I say this only because I can see, much to my sorrow and dismay, that
many a young girl falls into the trap of thinking that she must find a guy (who
will preferably marry her) in order to prove her value. I’ve concluded that
there is much more involved in any kind of relationship and the evidence is
that if the only criteria were looks and disposition then there would be many
more of us married, and some who are married, wouldn’t be. I don’t mean to
sound vain, I’m merely attempting to point out that true relationship goes so
much deeper than mere looks and personality, though these things may provide an
initial attraction. However, if it goes no deeper and effort is not made to
know and understand the person inside then when beauty fades (and it always does)
or personality reveals its many varied facets, the relationship suddenly
freezes because there is no depth to it. The depth must begin in the individual
and his or her relationship with Christ.
Paul
says in I Corinthians 7:34-35 “There is a
difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the
things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she
that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her
husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon
you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without
distraction.”
Right
in those verses I saw for the first time that singlehood is not a state to be
shunned or avoided. Rather, it is a gift bestowed that one may serve the Lord
without distraction, and goodness knows there are enough distractions in the
world as it is!
Having
crossed over that bridge from wanton and fractured singularity to blissfully
complete-in-Christ autonomy I now see life in a wonderfully new way. My outlook
has changed as have my relationships with people, particularly those of the
opposite sex. I no longer feel the pressure of “checking out” every prospective
male. It’s as if I’m peacefully asleep to everything relating to that odd dance
that occurs between eligible counterparts whereas before I was keenly awake.
Such a transformation can only be the Lord because I know without a doubt that
I could not achieve such a change on my own.
Returning
to the idea of fractions – I’ve come to see that ½ plus ½ (or any fraction)
does not make a whole. If one is lucky enough to land on the right combination
of fractions they might get really close to a perfect whole. When you add
fractions your bottom number always remains the same regardless of how the top
number may increase or decrease; essentially, it is still a fraction. Only when
you reduce it to its simplest form can you find the whole numbers that may or
may not be hiding within the fraction. However, if one takes a complete 1 and
another complete 1 you will invariably get a complete 2 because you’re working
with whole numbers and not fractions. The Word of God speaks of marriage and says
“they two shall be one flesh.” What I’ve
realised is that you have to have two whole individuals before you can
join them together to become a whole entity. I think many have mistaken this
passage to mean that we are all halves or fractions of a whole and in order to
become whole we must find our other half or fraction. It becomes a game of
chance to see if we can sift through all the pieces and find the one that fits
just right. I’ve seen it so many times among young people where it’s as if they
are playing a game and who ever is the best and most competitive player wins
the jackpot. But, if you happen to be slower than the others or deficient in
some way then you’re out of luck and subject to the sympathetic clucking of
those who already made it to the next level.
I
used to think of singlehood as merely a brief stage between childhood and
marriage (and the briefer the better). Now I see it as an honourable state of
being in which I can be a whole “one” because of Christ who makes me complete (Colossians 2:9-10a For in him dwelleth all
the fullness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in him . . .). As a
single person I have the freedom to do things and go places that my married
counterparts cannot do or go, simply because I am at liberty and do not bear
the burden of a home and family. I’m thankful for those who do marry and do their
best to raise children for the Lord and I admire their courage greatly. I
wouldn’t be here if my parents hadn’t done so. However, for myself, I have come
to see that the Lord can use me in ways that are different than if I were
married and I’m excited to see what ways those may be. I am no longer afraid to
step out and do these things for fear I might miss “Mr. Right” should he come
by while I’m out. There is so much more that God has put in my life that it
would be a shame not to live it fully; it would be a shame to waste it. The
future has opened up for me in a new way and I feel such blissful freedom in
being the bride of Christ knowing full well that He is more than enough to
fulfill every need and desire that He has placed in me as my divine Creator, For he knoweth [my] frame (Psalm 103:14a).
God
doesn’t create fractured people. We became fractured through the fall of man
and the nature of sin dwelling in us. There is no other way back to wholeness
except through the life, death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ who
was broken that we might be made whole. However, one has to choose life
by entering into His death and thereby resurrecting in newness of life.
Because
of Christ’s life in me I am not merely a fraction of a human being. I am a whole
number, a perfect “1”, complete in Him. It is finished and so am I!
