Singleness -- Gift or a Curse?

Spiritual Lessons 

Singleness -- 

Gift or a Curse? 

I know some of us get sick of hearing that singleness is a “gift”.


Many times women echo similar thoughts of my own heart.
Women crave to be held. To experience the ecstatic energy of being thought about and wanted and singular in someone's mind. We see a young family in the restaurant enjoying their children and we yearn for it.


We are tired of providing for ourselves. We want to come behind a man and enable him to be the godly man God envisions him to be. We want to make a difference. We desire the security and protection of our man. Our heart yearns and it cannot be fulfilled. We are sometimes lonely.



How is this a gift?
Say it wasn't a gift. Say it was a curse. What then?

There have been many times in my life I found myself in less than desirable circumstances. Not so very long ago I was curled up on my bed in the fetal position begging God to kill me. I was in so much pain. I faced the possibility of lymphoma. The grueling two year journey towards health. I've experienced people maligning me. I've had good friends misunderstand me. I've fought demons. I've had some of the dearest people in my life break my heart. I've questioned God's mercy. And I've lived with depression.


Were these times in my life a gift or a curse?


These things made me fall on my face desperate for a living God. These circumstances stretched my faith until the breaking point, only to grow it stronger. They molded me. They taught me the sovereignty of God. These experiences led me on a journey of repentance. They taught me thankfulness for my relationships. These “evil” things showed me a better glimpse through that dark glass of who God really is. I no longer took certain things for granted. They are the best things that ever happened to me.


I am convinced that if God cursed me with singleness my response we be almost the same as if I found it to be a gift. I would rejoice. I would thank Him. Even though He slay me – I will still trust Him. And I am also certain that the “evil” parts of being single are the things that grow us. With the right heart, singleness can be the best thing that ever happened to us. It can be that thing that makes us fall on our face desperate for the living God. It can teach us who He really is and bring us on a journey of repentance. And it can give us a thankful heart.


But just as all my other experiences could have led me to be angry or bitter or discontent – so can singlehood. If we find ourselves angry with women who are content in their singlehood we need to take a look at our heart and repent of our selfish behavior. It is selfish. Because we then go around trying to dissuade others' “delusions” of the grandeur of singleness. Plainly, that's called discouragement. Repent ladies. We aren't supposed to be discouraging our sisters.

I understand some women are silly. Some women flaunt their singleness. Some women may even try to be proud of their status to soothe their desires. But, claiming singlehood as a gift does not negate the hardships and the hurts that come with singlehood. Saying singleness is good does not mean we think marriage is bad or under-par. Embracing our singlhood is not a cop-out because we were refused the desire of our heart. And finding joy in our singleness doesn't mean we are starting a girl's club with the years of singlehood as a our badges.


Singleness is a stage of life that can be beautiful. If it is a gift, which I believe it is, rejoice and embrace it. Learn from it. Use it. Give Him glory.

And if you cannot be convinced that it is a gift, rejoice in your curse. Learn from it. Use it. Give Him glory.

What to do with a Helpless Heart?

Spiritual Lessons

What to do With a Helpless Heart?

Feelings: I love him! I know I do. There's times when I look up and he's smiling at me I feel the world move. He is sweet, and kind...

Conscience: Whoa! Okay, you need to put on the brakes. Think of your purity. Take every thought captive, remember?

Feelings: Yes! But I can't help it! I go to bed and I lay there and he comes to mind. I pray, and he comes to mind. I wake up, and he comes to mind. I sing, talk, watch movies, work....and he comes to mind.

Conscience: Okay, take a deep breath, you can get through this. Focus on other stuff, something worth doing. Run after Jesus, and someday the right man will come knocking at your heart's door.

Feelings: But what do I do with myself? When we're together I want to enjoy him. I enjoy his friendship. What about the times I get butterflies?

What to do when you find yourself attracted to someone? There is a constant war between the rational conscientious side of you, and the powerful emotional side. What if that someone isn't just a nice guy you happened to feel a twinge of attraction for. What about the godly young man you'd actually consider marrying?

I just wanted to encourage you, that you can remain pure, while still having those feelings and appreciating the godly young man. Someday God will equip this young man with a helpmeet. In His timing. And if God hasn't opened that door for you, it means this young man doesn't need you. Not now, not yet, and perhaps never. Be content to be this young man's friend! That's exactly all you should be, and all He has thus far allowed you to be. We are doing our brothers in Christ a disservice when we try to move forward in a deeper relationship. Love doesn't vaunt herself, doesn't seek her own.

Can we enjoy this person's company? Certainly! It's actually inevitable. When you are attracted to someone, everything about them is enjoyable. And it's okay. You can enjoy them in purity. But any closeness, learning of their heart, fellowship, even friendship must be directed by Jesus. We don't need to initiate anything. If our future includes this man, Jesus wills see to it. Love doesn't give to get. So next time we interact, we should be alert to our motives. Do we tell them we respect them to encourage or to spark a fire? What is behind the smile we give them?

But what about those times when we innocently look up and find him smiling at us? What about those moments you feel “butterflies”? The moments when you feel you could wrap your heart up in a box and give it away...what then?

To react with guilt is only self inflicted abuse. But then to swing to the other extreme and revel in it and look for, or initiate, that experience again is taking matters into our own hands and reacting selfishly. To decide to ignore their existence or your emotion's existence is foolish and impractical, but then to focus on that person to the point that our duties and friendships are neglected or halfheartedly invested in, is also wrong.

There is a balance! There is a way to love this person, even with all the emotions, the right way. We humbly accept the feelings and give it to Jesus, by letting Him know, and letting Him dictate. To deny ourselves the reveling in the feelings is to think highly of him, and a lesson in love. We respect him too much to give in to our emotions. Do we honestly want to gain attraction by mere flirtatious acts? Of course not! We want him to fall in love with us for who we are, not what we give.

He isn't ours. Even if somehow Jesus promised him to us, he still isn't ours. We know this, but what do our actions show? We might not think we are being possessive, but we should act with this young man, how we'd hope other girls would treat him. Why? He doesn't belong to them either! If we stirred up desires in a man that were more than brotherly, we have caused him to lust! It doesn't matter if he will someday be your man. Today isn't someday – he isn't yours anymore than the other girls in his life.

The emotions will be there. Don't ignore or embrace. Acknowledge them but give them to Someone who can deal with them in righteousness. It does work. It can be done. And if that other person is also trying to treat you with all purity it becomes a mutual respect and love that goes beyond feelings and emotions.

This is something I recently felt encouraged in, and I hope I was able to convey it to you clearly so your heart might also be blessed.

Related Posts:

Purity of Heart

Purity Without Guilt

Heartstrings